Yogan's Journey to Life

Hello World. I have added a Blog Timeline as a Tab!!!! See above. Should make random skimming through my blog easier. I will be reworking/adding to my blog to make it better/easier and my supportive/useful. New Links, Maybe restructuring layout. I will be resetting my blog count in the opposite direction, which means for 2019 I will start with the actual full count or correct # day for my blog. But to explain myself, I have over the recent years, stopped adding the Day of my blog, and had then restarted the count to 1. The reasons I gave was that I was walking a new cycle, a new phase of my life. And indeed the blogs in those counts were unique/different as a whole set. Anyway, now I am choosing to be more STRUCTURED, and promise to STICK to the Structure, of the days. To not fuck around and to ENJOY the structure. Only with this promise will I allow myself to do this new venture, of sticking to the actual count of the day. It's a point of Integrity. I can't fuck around...

So I have been looking at this question about why I wake up everyday. I am looking at the dimension of How I have Woke up in the Past, and Why and for what I woke up for in the Past. I am also looking at the dimension of Redefinition and what I would genuinely like to love, would love to live, what would serve me the best!!!!!!! So let's get started!!!!! I listened to this eqafe interview on Mood Swings, and it help focus in on how I can wake up in a MOOD and how that can affect my day. https://eqafe.com/p/moods-moods-and-our-daily-lives-atlanteans-part-505 And helping me remember that it all comes down to a choice. You are faced with a mood, and you don't want to do the dishes, and you decide to do it anyway, as yourself, as your body, with your presence, and you transform the moment of a bad mood to a simply physical doing that is calm, natural, good-feeling like in a very normal way. Like a very natural like doing. At the same time in the beginning you may have to real...

So why do I wake up everyday? What am I living for? So there are many things that I live for, things that I want happen, and things I want to live. There are people that I want to meet, and to meet again. There are people that I want to know. I want to establish ties with people, connect with them. I live for meeting specific people again one day, and I live for developing and Deepening my preexisting relationship however way I can. I live for getting to know the depths of people. So I live for that human connection, that animal connection, that connection with nature. I want to see people succeed and do well. I live for the moments with people where we are all relaxed and open and just being ourselves and having fun. I live for those moments with people. I seek to create those moments where possible, but at the same time I only have so much say. So it very much depends on the people. Practically in my everyday life, I am seeking to earn lots more money so I can be able to brin...

So reality brought before me moments with people that are from my past, and so recreating the dynamic of relationships and moments from my past in front of me. So here I am literally facing my past again. Within me and as me I reacted, I reacted in the same way I have reacted before in the past. My reaction so to feel stressed, depressed, misplaced, anxiety, unsettled. Within seeing this, that I what I am facing is literally my past in this moment, then what I have to do is walk this moment HERE, the only moment that is here, as the Me that I am now, that I direct here and now. The past is gone, even though people are here recreating the moments and living it as themselves, they are NOT me and I am not bound by the past, or by past rules, or by how I should be because that is how I used to be in relation to them. I can create here, how I am, who I am, in the moment, without Shame, without Guilt, with Peer pressure. I stand as the new me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing ...

So I have been called Courageous one too many times to ignore it. So here I am going to dissect it from a real time moment. So looking at this moment I am within here. I am courageous in just speaking/doing because I am willing to walk a point ALONE. I am willing to speak up and say something because if I am ALONE within it I am okay. So that means if everyone turns their back on me, and I mean literally everyone, I will be okay and stand the point. Now the most dangerous point within this, is the fine line where you don't go into Ego, and don't cut yourself out from other people's support. So the basic SOLUTION to prevent this danger is to always listen to others and test out what they say. And trust in that testing process. And here is another danger, whether your testing out is a REAL testing out. So the danger is whether you fake test things out or don't have that rigor and self-honesty to really test out the truth/reality of things. So developing that habit/d...

Patience Many people would call me a patient guy. Well, I am patient in some ways and in some moments and with some people. But in other moments, with other people, in other ways I am not patient. So this blog I am writing to assist and support me to be more patient with a certain someone, in a certain situation/context, and in a certain way. So for my situation/context I am facing, I see I can be more patient through yes understanding the person's situation they are in. Understanding does help. However its not enough in this case. For me, even with understanding their situation that they are in, I still am impatient. I still want things to be done faster and happen faster. I want things to move faster. In reality, they cannot. I definitely require patience. This is really out of my hands and out of my control. In addition to this, I am in the state/position of the unknown. I don't know what will happen or how things will turn out and I have no way of making it known or h...

So, having met some Destonians that I have known for like 9 years for some, that its like HOLY SHIT. I don't know them. Like really KNOW them. And that's how it is. Now one VERY specific and PARTICULAR point that I am going to zero in on is the image and face of a person. Now, using one person as an example, if I look at photos of their face on facebook, all of my judgment and preconceptions on WHO that person is based on how they look, how they smile, their facial structure, their eyes, EVERYTHING, is just completely and FLAT OUT WRONG. I am wrong in my assessment of who they are, based on image. So obviously the question is why then do we do this? Why do I do this? Because that goes to show you CANNOT trust the image at all to tell you who the person is. You cannot. Its not trustworthy. And that is Interesting isn't it? I mean really look at it. Because we are all the time judging based on what we see. All the time. We do it so often and so regularly that we forget ab...

A moment where I had a chat scheduled and it didn't go according to plan and expectations.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear letting go of Guarantee I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear letting go of Scheduled I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear letting go of Planned. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear letting go of Expectations. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear letting go of Security as a Feeling I get from having things planned and scheduled. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live Security as having this plans and living in a planned life, instead of Security as always being Secure within myself WITHIN this moment, which may be unplanned, unstructured, unsettled, unstable. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear living Spontaneity and in the Unknown. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rel...

So oddly enough the topic of My Sad Story (in the past) and Creating My future are inherently linked, cause if I stay in my sad story I cannot create my future or any future. Cause being stuck in past.... can't create anything new... My sad story is about where I came from, all the people that wronged me, everything bad that happened to me, how I need pity and help... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the sad story within me, and live within the past. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deny myself the responsibility and the access to what is here. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise my future and creating my future by being stuck within a retelling of my sad story and reliving it over and over again. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stay stuck within sadness and blame towards others in my past. I realize the past is gone, it has passed. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself t...

So I have been practicing speaking and will continue to do so. This is a recollection of the key points that I can do. Find ways to just Speak Aloud. 1. Speaking aloud describing what I am doing: " I am washing the dishes" "I need to use the bathroom"  "I am walking to the bathroom"  "I am eating an apple" 2. Speaking aloud what I am seeing: "I am watching television" "This is third time I am seeing this commercial"  "there is a couple skating on ice" "I am looking out the window" "I see people playing tennis" Points for me to focus on when speaking  1. Projection - which means project as a verb, which means speaking loudly so that you send the sound OUT of you. You project to the room. 2. Place my hands/fingers to my mouth and feel the vibration of my lips, nose, which indicate I am speaking on the edge of my mouth, instead of speaking from deeper within my mouth. I want to speak on th...

So I'm starting a Journey of letting go of my past. There are several dimensions to this, as it is a broad thing, the Past. One dimension I am tackling now is simply all my relationships to every person, including my mother, brother, essentially every damn person. Because something I have been doing is keeping a history of our relationship in my mind, something VERY SIMILAR to how the game Sims works. In Sims you can form relationships with people and gain points, as well as milestone moments, good and bad. Essentially there is a relationship HISTORY programmed in the game. So as you get your sims to make relationship with people it keeps track of things. See here INHERENTLY is the problem when it comes to real life. At the same time though it is a VERY GOOD simulation of how we are operating in our relationships. So its a good copy cat of how we behave actually, which also means its a bad way to actually live. We are not living in our relationships in a very good way. The prob...

Something I had done which was a mistake was to write out what my perfect/ideal partner would be. I didn't realize it at the time that I was making a mistake, and supporting separation between me and other people I meet. To understand why, let me explain. When we meet people it is like a seed is there, we don't know where it will grow, move or bend. It is unknown. We just met the person. So why would we put all of our ideas, thoughts, projections on what it COULD BE, or SHOULD BE, or what you WANT IT TO BE. Why not just be here and See what is here, be here in the moment, make sure you stick to your process, your principles, integrity, and being your best self. And from that, by doing this, something may eventually, through time and participation in moments of being here like this with a person..... something may emerge. And it is there that it is real. It is there and its real because its a process that was walk with being here with the person, sticking to who ...

Getting Haircut, man all those fears and insecurities from the past were still here. Owning my haircut, living Strong Yogan, Strong me, So I got  a haircut, and I did have those fears arise, including like whether other people like it or think its weird. So what I had to do was own it. Because some people did compliment on me on the hair, but still I had fear, so its only when I like own it and as well own my own expression with my words and body and whole self. Because hair is just one part of me. The rest of my expression the rest of me is still here. I am still me. Its just that this me has a new haircut and the haircut is fun, i like it. Its creative, it was done by an artist essentially who loves cutting hair and enjoys it. So I'm glad that she was a part of it, that part of her expression is a part of my hair and so me now. When I saw own it, I mean that in a moment I literally just like took off my hat and be like okay this is me, and then focus on my expression, being...

So I had a moment where I was told by someone else that I am patient, comfortable with myself, I am at ease, very honest, courageous, don't mind being embarrassed, SO I was never told I was very honest before. It floored me. Its amazing really. I consider it more than a compliment, I don't know what to call it. Being seen like that, and being seen, means so much for me. Plus, I never really Saw myself in that way from the perspective of the eyes of another person. So now I can. Its weird. I can see myself as an honest guy. Same with being courageous. I didn't/don't see myself as courageous in walking process. And I initially downplayed that, saying how I am just walking process and how it is just that. And again, seeing myself through someone else's eyes gives me a grander perspective. That I am courageous. That I do face my fears. Hearing these qualities of myself from another person means more to me than anything. It's simply amazing. So the less...

I saw a pattern within me today about fearing the strong woman. I was assisted by someone who I was reacting to. I was reacting to them in nervousness. They suggested for me to see what words they represent to me, and so not to focus on them as the image. So I took this advice, and I started working on it. I also had a celebrity who I had a similar reaction to in my past who I met. So I tried to see what words they represented. I got a few words that I initially identified but turned out NOT to be the main word, however its related. Initially I saw the words of ease of communication and happy/smiling and friendly. So I took these words with me. And at that point I was looking at the words and trying to stop my reactions. It didn't work and what happened was me kind of controlling myself and restricting myself, becoming a controlled silence. What I did at this point was kind of allow it because I wasn't sure, that maybe this is what my expression is supposed to be. Anywa...

Something I have lived is 5 compromises of relationship. I compromised myself. There are two definitions of compromise. The one is essentially to reach an agreement by both sides giving into some demands from the other, so that neither side fully got what they originally wanted. 1. an agreement or a settlement of a dispute that is reached by each side making concessions. The second definition which is the one that is used in this blog is when like when you compromise yourself, which means to give in or give up some very important things about you, something like being corrupted. 2. accept standards that are lower than is desirable. So the five compromises of relationship that I have lived 1. The compromise of Looking to Receive Approval, and Changing yourself in order to Receive Approval     I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to change myself when I have received approval in whatever form, including applause, where in that moment of approval I...

This morning I reflected briefly how I was having a series of perfect moments, where all was really good and going well. I saw I was having some perfect moments. And when I saw this I immediately felt a fear, because in movies and tv shows, and other stories, whenever things are going its BEST, that is when something bad happens. So I felt a fear immediately that something BAD is bound to happen next. So my reaction went from fear to kind of suppressing ignoring that I was having such perfect moments in my life. Then I caught myself. I ended up doing self-forgiveness on this fear, and I went back to embracing/seeing and simply recognizing that I was having some really good moments, a series of them all one after the other. I embraced that and went on my day. The result was that I was really enjoying my day/time. And in a way, kind of giving that joy and relaxation to others, where I smiled and was relax while saying hi. I did have other moments of challenge, where what was ...