Day 22 I Remember
Remembering my life and who I have been. I have been many different persons.
I once was a person very much in love and obsessed with one person. I remember all the love and pain I felt. I was in so much emotional pain. Remembering the emotional pain I felt, it feels like no physical pain would mean anything in comparison to that. This is my evidence that love is the real evil.
I once had the relationship I wanted. I had lots of sex. I felt close, intimate. Then I found out the person was someone who was not committed to me. I realized that I made a mistake. I realize I needed to change. That is when I started Desteni. I was ready.
I remember being like 7 years old and sad. I remember being happy in regular class, and when I moved to gifted class everything changed. the kids in regular class were friendly and sociable. The kids in gifted class were super serious and intimidating. It was like being in military school, or where everyone was a robot.
I remember feeling just weird, sad, and that something is wrong with the kids. I longer was surrounded by KIDS, I was surrounded some weird version of kids. School became something serious and demanding.
I remember when I was like 5 or 6 and I took my first multiplication test. I failed. I cried in my desk.
Me feeling this way is one thing, but everyone else just accepting and allowing this, that what was weird. In my head I know there was a different way, and I could see it and imagine it. But no one was really trying to create it. I could see the improvement that could be done in the classroom. I could see the improvements in how people act, how they are. I could see how great life could be. I kept this to myself.
I was quiet. I kept this knowing to myself.
When I was 13 I had a someone who called me quiet boy. I would mostly hangout with people quietly. They would talk and I would be there listening. I would usually hangout with women/girls. They were kinder and accepting. Sometimes there was another guy in the group. This was the closest I had to friends. I didn't hang with anyone after school. It was just during free time or lunch time.
At 13 years old I decided to get straight As for college. I was successful.
I decided to go out of state. I was hoping to make closer friends.
I knew people believed that I was a quiet and intelligent guy. I'm not. That is just a mask.
Everything felt fake. Everyone felt fake growing up. At 18 years old I believed that I would only connect with people when I am like 40 years old. I believed in many things.
I believed in old souls. My parents told me I was an old soul.
At 18 years old when my heart was broken, I determined to change myself. Nothing else mattered. Emotions and Feelings are the problem. Both of them are. They both lead to great suffering and they are the same, just with different masks.
Who would I be without emotoins and feelings? I would be free, I would be free to be myself, to express. I wouldn't need permission to express a certain way or to feel something before expressing. I could express endlessly. I could do everything I couldn't see myself doing. I can break all barriers and all limitations. I could be ALIVE for once in this life.
I could potentially hug someone and give them the biggest hug ever. I could be alone and be amazing, feel amazing, and just be Amazed by everything I see and hear. I could run and dance, and laugh just because, NO Reason. I could do anything, be anything, just be cause.
Now, its about living what is best for all. How to do that? Live that? And facing the challenges of this world. The answer is to help people live the answer I lived with Desteni. The answer of being limitless, expressive, anything/everything. The answer that You are the answer. The answer of all life being one and equal. The answer that you are enough and are ready.
I have lived many lives.
I once was a person very much in love and obsessed with one person. I remember all the love and pain I felt. I was in so much emotional pain. Remembering the emotional pain I felt, it feels like no physical pain would mean anything in comparison to that. This is my evidence that love is the real evil.
I once had the relationship I wanted. I had lots of sex. I felt close, intimate. Then I found out the person was someone who was not committed to me. I realized that I made a mistake. I realize I needed to change. That is when I started Desteni. I was ready.
I remember being like 7 years old and sad. I remember being happy in regular class, and when I moved to gifted class everything changed. the kids in regular class were friendly and sociable. The kids in gifted class were super serious and intimidating. It was like being in military school, or where everyone was a robot.
I remember feeling just weird, sad, and that something is wrong with the kids. I longer was surrounded by KIDS, I was surrounded some weird version of kids. School became something serious and demanding.
I remember when I was like 5 or 6 and I took my first multiplication test. I failed. I cried in my desk.
Me feeling this way is one thing, but everyone else just accepting and allowing this, that what was weird. In my head I know there was a different way, and I could see it and imagine it. But no one was really trying to create it. I could see the improvement that could be done in the classroom. I could see the improvements in how people act, how they are. I could see how great life could be. I kept this to myself.
I was quiet. I kept this knowing to myself.
When I was 13 I had a someone who called me quiet boy. I would mostly hangout with people quietly. They would talk and I would be there listening. I would usually hangout with women/girls. They were kinder and accepting. Sometimes there was another guy in the group. This was the closest I had to friends. I didn't hang with anyone after school. It was just during free time or lunch time.
At 13 years old I decided to get straight As for college. I was successful.
I decided to go out of state. I was hoping to make closer friends.
I knew people believed that I was a quiet and intelligent guy. I'm not. That is just a mask.
Everything felt fake. Everyone felt fake growing up. At 18 years old I believed that I would only connect with people when I am like 40 years old. I believed in many things.
I believed in old souls. My parents told me I was an old soul.
At 18 years old when my heart was broken, I determined to change myself. Nothing else mattered. Emotions and Feelings are the problem. Both of them are. They both lead to great suffering and they are the same, just with different masks.
Who would I be without emotoins and feelings? I would be free, I would be free to be myself, to express. I wouldn't need permission to express a certain way or to feel something before expressing. I could express endlessly. I could do everything I couldn't see myself doing. I can break all barriers and all limitations. I could be ALIVE for once in this life.
I could potentially hug someone and give them the biggest hug ever. I could be alone and be amazing, feel amazing, and just be Amazed by everything I see and hear. I could run and dance, and laugh just because, NO Reason. I could do anything, be anything, just be cause.
Now, its about living what is best for all. How to do that? Live that? And facing the challenges of this world. The answer is to help people live the answer I lived with Desteni. The answer of being limitless, expressive, anything/everything. The answer that You are the answer. The answer of all life being one and equal. The answer that you are enough and are ready.
I have lived many lives.
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