The Non-emotional, and DUTY Personality 270
So I had a telephone conversation just now. I had called to set up a doctors appointment. I notice how I spoke by default, because I was seeing how I could express myself. So within this process of expressing myself, I will be facing my preprogramming in how I expressed myself for much of my life. I can say I have a familiarity with this, yet at the same time I do not intimately know it. This is why I am writing this blog right now.
So I present myself as someone "professional." For me this means being very collected, non-emotional, straight to the point. Also "on the job." If you ever worked with me on project you would see this clearly about me. I am focused on the work that needs to get done, and this is how I become. So how did I develop this personality or presentation of myself?
Through school projects mostly, and studying, doing homework, and taking tests. I found that I did better when I was non-emotional, focused on the job, and straight to the point. I have one clear memory that shows the contrast of my personality with other students. Basically they spent time making jokes, conversing about other subjects, while we had our project to do. I notice that I reacted in that moment with indignation, and contempt, and a jealousy. I wished I could be like them, but I saw that I had to do the work, so I didn't have a choice from my perspective.
Something funny about things now, is that now that I am involved in my own independent business, I actually need to be like how these other students were. To be able to joke around, talk about other things. So be expressive, and enjoying myself and with others.
This word expressive reminds me of something I would do in the car on the way to school. My mom and I would say prayers out loud. This included praying for a good day, good tests, good teachers, and at my request for me, good self-expression. So I was aware that I wasn't expressing myself. And from my point of view, I didn't have a choice in terms of how I approached school work, studies. My personality in school, was the same. I was focused, unemotional, straight to the point. So I sat in class quiet, paying attention to the teacher. I would focus.
I remember now the times I would daydream in class, and how from sometimes thinking and being distracted, I had some poor grades/marks on a class or assignment, so I took these results emotionally. I remembering crying in some cases where I received the worst grades.
My perception throughout the choices I made, and how I lived was that I didn't have a choice. Within this statement of myself, I feel worthless and powerless.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel worthless and powerless within the statement that I didn't have a choice.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live the statement, I don't have, and didn't have a choice.
So I see clearly that, I always had the choice and potential to express myself, and that I didn't have to take on this non-emotional personality in order to do the work and assignments.
When and as I see myself- thinking now, that I don't have a choice, and feel powerless and worthless, in regards to some project, task, assignment, or work, including business - I stop and I breathe - I realize that this thought that I don't have a choice is a lie, and this feeling of powerlessness and worthlessness is a lie too- I realize that I always have the choice and potential to express myself, because I always have this choice/potential of creating myself and deciding who I am in the moment here-
I commit myself to be me, express me in the moment, as what I decide, as my direction of myself, based on what I see, and assess of the moment, the people, the situation, the history, and relationships.
There is a second dimension opening up.
DUTY
The personality I am looking at today, could be called the Duty personality. Duty is like a glue that is holding the personality together. Duty had an appeal to me, energetically. I feel stronger, and right.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel right and strong as energy within me in regards to living this non-emotional personality as my "duty," when it comes to work, assignments, tasks, and projects.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trust a feeling that says I am right.
When and as I see myself feeling right or strong when it comes to whether i live a certain way, or do a certain thing, such as taking on a personality when it comes to work, tasks, projects - I stop and I breathe - I realize that I cannot trust something within me that is a feeling that says I am right about something - I realize that I cannot trust a feeling that says I am strong, and by that strength I have the right to assert my authority onto myself or another, when it comes to who i am, and what to do- I realize that a feeling of rightness or righteousness that justifies me taking on a personality, is questionable, and not-trustworthy - I realize that who I really am, my beingness, would not attack myself or another in who we are, what we live or decision I make, therefore the rightness and strength are lies and illusions for furthering the mind or consciousness as the personalities.
Thus I commit myself to be humble, be ME as the humility, and not the righteousness, and that I move gently and honestly within myself in being that which is best for all in the moment, instead of furthering the mind or consciousness as the non-emotional personality, when it comes to work, projects, tasks, and business.
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