Day 717 My Shame
This is blog post is from my personal writings, unedited. I go through the point as it naturally opens up in me. One point leads to the next naturally. I start with what I know, SF on the energy experience:
Shame
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel shame
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel shameful
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel shame with being a burden to my friends
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel shame with making all of these mistakes across my life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel shame with making all of these consequences across my life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel shame with not knowing what to do.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel shame with not knowing where to go
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel shame with being lost
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel shame with letting down my friends
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel shame with making a huge mistake
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel shame with seeing how I created consequences.
Across my life I have lived/felt shame without even knowing it.
Sunset Sudbury. When I got voted out of the school, I cried within Shame. I made the mistake of doing videos online about the school without the school's permission. They also weren't understanding or supportive, BUT I forgive them for them. I also didn't know what I was doing and I forgive myself for that.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel shame with making a mistake with the school, and not knowing that I made a mistake, and not knowing any better
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel blame the school, they also didn't know any better
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel shame with leaving the school, and cry in shame.
My friends Across my Life
I had so many friends across my Life:
Grayson, Manuel or Manny, Aaron, Mr. Green, Mr. De La Cruz, Willi, Victor, Vicash, Anthony, Michelle, another Anthony, and others....
And I never really shared how much they meant to me, what I thought of them, how great they were. And I led them all astray, I reacted and ended things poorly, said something stupid.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel Shame in misleading my friends and mistreating my friends.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel Shame in making the mistakes with my friends, not knowing any better, not having the understanding of myself of my mind to do better and be better.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel Shame always with what I did to my friends, and keep repeating it throughout the years with my new friends.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel a constant shame for what I did so many times, to all these people, who all deserved so much better for how they were to me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I can't stop Shame, that I should continue to feel Shame and never stop feeling Shame as my punishment forever.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that I don't deserve Friendship without Shame, and I have to be afraid of myself, and I can't trust myself to be a friend.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow Shame within Me, and instead I choose to Learn and Correct me, I choose to be better for my future friends and current friends.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel Shame with my friends, and so Act in shame with my friends, and so consequently do something that is shameful again, a vicious cycle.
I forgive myself for what I have done to these people.
My Backchat
My backchat has been based on Shame all along:
"Yogan you don't know what you are doing" = Shame
"You can't do this" = Shame
I have been in perpetual Shame for years in my head. It has been a normal part of me and my daily life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel Shame with Backchats
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel Shame with being told or hearing that I don't know what to do
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel Shame with being told or hearing that I can't do something.
Honoring my Friends
I never told my friends how deeply they meant to me. None of them: and there's so many.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not tell my Friends how much I cared about them and valued our Friendship
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not honor my Friends, and be honest with them
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not value people enough, Friendship enough
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not open up to people about how I care about them, how much I enjoyed them.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not tell people all the great things I see about them, how intelligent they are, smart, funny, fun to be with, a father figure to me, a mentor to me, a role model, a great guy, a good person to have, caring, attentive, supportive.
They all deserve an effort on my part to say thank you and tell them these things. Maybe in a letter.
So many more moments
There are so many more moments of Shame, things I did and said to Friends. I will walk a process with writing a letter or contacting each Friend and in so doing clear the point. It will be brief and to the point, yet full and effective.
I really did care deeply about all of them. I shouldn't have treated them like that, like they were nothing. This shame is unhealthy, and me believing I deserve to feel shame, and that I will just be recreating the point is a misalignment to what is best for all.
I remember EVERYTHING I did to my friends, everything. And I do feel shame for each thing that wronged them and there was so many such moments.
High school
Mr. Green – You helped me so much with that College Letter.
You deserve a lot better than me. You were always so smart, fun, witty, and had
a smile on your face. I’m really sorry about how things went when I saw you
again with that sales pitch. You deserve better. I wish your family good
fortune. You made my day brighter every classday. Thank you.
Mr. De la Cruz – I regret giving your hopes up. You are a
good person, innocent like a child. I’m sorry that I used you for a sales
opportunity. I wish I could hug you and just say that you are a great person
and you make me smile just by being yourself. Keep being yourself De La Cruz.
Willi – I considered you my bro, my good friend. I liked
having you near, by my side. I felt like I could talk about anything with you.
I wish I could always have you around, with your warm smile, and warm demeanor.
I wish I could hug you and say thank you, for making me feel seen and heard.
Victor – I’m sorry for bringing you into the sales pitch and
just leaving you to dry. You deserve so much better. You are a kind person and
have a sweet heart. You deserve so much Love. Thank you for showing love to me
when I didn’t give you any.
Anthony Scavella – I’m sorry I never contacted you again,
even though you are right there. You were my bro and treated like I was your
best friend when you just met me. You made me feel seen and special. You always
made me feel better and lighter. I really loved your smile and laugh. Thank you
for showing me how to be a Friend.
Middle
Anthony – I’m sorry that I found you on facebook but never
reached out. I just couldn’t, I hope you understand. You made me smile in middle
school. You were my friend. You made every moment brighter. I wish I had the
courage to talk with you and get to know you more.
Michelle- I am sorry. I didn’t know what I was doing, and I
didn’t have control over myself. I’m sorry that things weren’t different. You
made me happy with your presence and positivity and smile. I wish I could tell
you that I did love you, and that I wanted to marry you, maybe it would have
helped me not keep a secret like that. I wish I didn’t keep secrets from you. That’s
the one thing I wish, including how I felt. No secrets.
Elementary
Grayson Chester – I’m sorry that the last thing I said to
you was a passive aggressive comment. It slipped out. I’m sorry, and I didn’t
mean it. You are my good friend, and will always be that. You showed me that it
was okay to be me, to be myself, to enjoy video games, and talk about what I
like. You treated me like a brother. I will always remember our times together,
you made me a much more happier individual. Thank you.
Manuel or Manny Carrera – you were a douche to me a couple
times. But as my friend, as the time we spent in ludlam. I loved you. I enjoyed
your presence, I enjoyed hanging out with you. I enjoyed your confidence. I was
glad to be your friend. I realize that I was never a good friend to you. I
didn’t know how to be. I’m sorry for that, you deserved better.
Vicash- You were so cool. I’m sorry for the fight we had. I
didn’t know it would be so bad for you. You are a good person. I wish I could
have gotten to know you more before you left. I hope you are doing well.
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