Day 715 Thrill in Fights and Sex

Here we are again. Something new to name within me. An energy without a name, that is unique/different from the others. The name is Thrill. Its specific.

Context: Seeing others Fight
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel thrill in seeing others fight
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel thrill in seeing others emotionally fight
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel thrill in seeing others physically fight
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel thrill in seeing others react with energy
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel thrill in seeing others speak in energy to one another in conflict
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel thrill in seeing others argue with one another within energy
 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel thrill in seeing others get personal and attack each other with insults
 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel thrill in seeing underhanded comments and secret fighting going on through words
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel thrill in seeing others exploit others weaknesses in a fight in order to get them to react and join in the fight
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel thrill in seeing someone manipulate a crowd to fight emotionally and physically within energy
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel thrill in seeing blood drawn in a physical fight
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to feel thrill in seeing someone emotionally hurt and triggered through an emotional fight with words
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel thrill in seeing someone successfully trigger someone else's reaction as energy and seeing them possessed by it
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to  feel thrill in seeing the possessions of people to fight with each other, either through words or with their fists
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hope to see others fight and to preemptively feel thrill in the anticipation/hope of a fight
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to edge people on to fight if there are signs of a spark to fight
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to edge/push people to fight emotionally if there are signs for it
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in fights as emotional arguments, saying things that trigger people specifically.

This may seem an unsavory topic, but its true and real. When I scanned within me the other areas of my life that Thrill exists, the signature of when I had sex with my past girlfriends came up. The thrill of the moment, of about to have sex, of being in the situation and then having sex. And within that thrill I would ejaculate quickly. While I did question why at the time, I had no idea. The signature is specific. This energy is specific. Thrill is specific. All energy must end. I do this for me and mankind, there is no shame here.

Context: Preejaculation
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when about to have sex with a woman to feel thrill, and within that thrill to already be ready to ejaculate.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel thrill within being with a woman naked
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel thrill within holding a woman, being allowed to be with a woman naked.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel thrill knowing I can have sex with this woman now and that it is going to happen
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel thrill with starting sex
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel thrill with the thought that I am having sex
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel thrill within thinking about sex with women.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let thrill trigger ejaculation.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let thrill exist within me at all.

I see that this thrill is present in every wet dream as the point of ejaculation. It is the energy responsible for triggering the ejaculation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ejaculate in a wet dream due to feel thrill in the dream
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel thrill when dreaming grabbing woman, pulling off their clothes and exposing them
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel thrill when dreaming about naked woman
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel thrill when realizing I am dreaming and then looking for naked woman to have sex with
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel thrill when dreaming about humping a woman, or grabbing their breasts
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel thrill about doing all sorts of sexual things with women in a dream.

This same thrill is the same signature in looking at Porn, especially in my first memories of Porn.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel thrill in slowly looking at a naked image of a woman in a posing fashion for the first time.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel thrill in no one else knowing what I am doing with looking at this pinup image of a woman
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel thrill in doing something I am not supposed to, since its something no one talk about, and yet I am doing it anyway.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel thrill in seeing a part of a woman's body that I never saw before, that is hidden normally, and women feel/show shame/resistance to showing it
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to thrill where its like I want to jump up and down and run around the room and move very quickly, and also being very observant to make sure I don't get caught and lose access to this.

I realize that a lot of my experience with porn as thrill initially was just because it was taboo and secret, especially the point of woman's bodies. The thrill of doing something i am not supposed to. The thrill of doing things in secret. The thrill of being bad and getting away with it. That is specific.

Looking back across my memories now, I also felt that signature of thrill in having sex with a woman because also, no one else knew about it. I didn't tell my parents, even though it would be perfectly fine to tell them I was dating and had a girlfriend. I didn't announce it and tell it to people living nearby and around, and friends. It felt like being in the room, that it was like a secret. It felt like a secret, like something hidden that the world cannot know or see.

With the dream its the same thing, in the dreams it felt like everything was secret, hidden away. No one will know what I am doing. And so the thrill of doing it, and a getting away with it, with no consequence. That is what Thrill is and represents!

For the fights, the thrill is knowing that I am not supposed to feel this way with fights, and to support fights, and want others to fight.

Since thrill loves operating in the shadows, I bet you ten bucks that its going to be a non-issue, cause its strength was in its secrecy.

Okay so ENERGY you now have a name. You name revealed itself to me. It is thrill. And I see what you are, I see you are a part of me, and now I stop and redefine it. As energy you were limiting me. If I express physically with my hands, body, face as thrill including my voice that is cool. No longer will you just be an experience I feel secretly/silently within me as energy. Only physical expression is allowed. So this is what it will be.

Isn't it something interesting or Poetic that the Thrill is the same in the contexts of Sex and Violence? The secret is that it relies of secrecy. On doing something I am not supposed to. Something criminal. Subversive. The greatest thrill of all is Secrets it seems. Its awfully poetic that being expressive now physically as Thrill will redefine the point, since its no longer tied to secrecy.