Day 727 The Secret Mind
So the secret mind is something that came up from desteni years ago. And today it came up within me as a support/explanation for what's been going on with this part of me. So my original idea of the secret mind was that it consisted of those thoughts that you were secretly holding on to.
With what I have been going through, the secret mind was the perfect set of words to explain to me how I could be having these thoughts that I have been having and not stop them. The definition I am using for secret mind now are those set of thoughts that I haven't embraced/accepted to be of the mind and requires just immediate stopping/recognition that this is the mind and isn't me.
So I have had a whole range of thoughts that are like that: thoughts that I haven't accepted to be completely thoughts of the mind.
The way I was looking at how this could be is the following. So you know you start walking process and you know what thoughts and emotions and reactions you want to stop. So you start with those. Eventually you get to the point of stopping most of those thoughts and reactions that you really wanted to change. And so you are left with what is left. That which you haven't been wanting to change for some reason. You would think that logically the thoughts that you don't want to let go would be things like dreams or desires, or fantasies or positive things that are too shameful to share or stop. In reality, for me, that's not so. In reality, stopping fantasies, desire and shameful things were very easy and on the top of my list. And in reality the thoughts here that are part of my secret mind are more negative, and self-negative, and self-bashing.
Why is this? So the reason why I am seeing that for me these thoughts are what are part of my secret mind is because the emotions behind that played a close role to my heart/being. So really feeling quite sad or distressed, and really becoming it in past moments. So really believing deeply that there is a part of me still within this thought and more importantly the emotion that is real that is a real part of me. So that is the belief. You can say it left its mark or scar, but in a way that it feels like it is me, it is my self-definition you could say.
So I was testing this point and this is what I found. So when I allowed the thoughts to be here, and see okay: this is a thought.... saying that point or seeing that point... I found that the thought and emotion didn't really move... it stayed still... And I could see that it still was considered and felt to be a part of me... However when I tested the following: saying that this is my secret mind, that this thought is part of my secret mind... Then I was like okay, I am stopping this thought now. So I was stopping it, and moving to stop it.
So here this isn't a question of willpower but more of definition and perception. Changing my perception and using the definition to help myself see something... that this indeed are thoughts and I am thinking them... and one thing I know and live is that if I have a thought that I stop it immediately no matter what. So that has been a clear living definition of mine. However, here was the case where I wasn't clearly seeing a thought to be a thought.
My proof of my application is how when I apply the point of seeing these thoughts as part of my secret mind and then I do go to stop it immediately and then its all chill/stable within me.
Now, to also help illustrate the point... I was testing these thoughts and they were of a different nature than usual thoughts that i have faced. They are thoughts that as if I am speaking and living them... they have that history of me becoming and living these thoughts, and sometimes speaking them. They are have that more intense nature, and "living" nature. At the same time though, the moment I call them as being my secret mind, then whatever strength they had dissipates. At the same time, if I don't call them out, then they do continue and ramble on in my mind.
Now, to be even more specific, the nature of these thoughts are that they are thoughts that I would live and form my thinking and opinions, and seeing and looking within. Meaning that in moments they would activate I did see them as a part of me, as being me. I didn't consider them to be thoughts. At the same time however, I have worked on a subset of these thoughts many times. Meaning that I attempted to work/stop certain thoughts for several years to no avail. Meaning that I knew that these were thoughts, and I wrote about them, but it wasn't enough to stop and change.
So now, however, I can change and stop them in the moment. So I can remember in the past I would try to stop these thoughts with self forgiveness directly and it didn't really work, meaning that yes it would kind of stop for a bit, but it would come back later.
Now, what I am living and experiencing with this application of calling this my secret mind is that point of like no secrets. When you have no secrets you feel quite good right? When you are really exposed and that's it, it feels really good right? So I think that is how and why it works, its that sense of freedom from secrets, like a burden's been lifted. No longer questioning or wrestling with the fact that is this me? Is this the mind? Is there a part of me that's real here?
So again, my definition of the secret mind is now that its those thoughts that we don't want to accept to be thoughts, and we haven't yet accepted to be thoughts and of the mind, still believing that there is a part to it that is real or that is us is some way or another. And again, its not what you may think or expect, meaning it may not be the stereotypical answer of secrets thoughts are like secret dirty desires for example.
So this all above is what I am finding and it is interesting. I remember reaching a point in my process where I was like now what? And going through all sorts of spirals and confusion and having certain thoughts stick and unable to really let go of them. And having this affect me and my words in how I write myself and express myself. I don't think its easy for anyone to really face that which they have been holding to be "as" the truth close to their heart/core. And so really let go of that "truth." Which of course was a belief all along. As with anything I do need to test this out in the long term, however what I am finding immediately here is promising.
So what I am finding immediately here is that yes I do go into those reactions where I do squint my face and move my head and it feels like I am speaking the thoughts aloud, so that happens, but then immediately I call it out as being my secret mind and then it drops. And then I do have that sense of self that I have when I stop a thought and I stand as myself. This process is about stopping thoughts, emotions and feelings. So that living that is what I am living, which leaves me with that sense of self standing and directing and having that space here to direct, create and speak words, like I am doing here with this blog. I can tell that my words in this blog is of that specific nature and directed nature.
So an interesting cross-reference is that this secret mind is like a weight on my shoulders, where its correlated to my eyes drooping down. And when I am standing here as the point and supporting my eyes and body it is clear and obvious that my eyes open up. So that's quite cool.
With what I have been going through, the secret mind was the perfect set of words to explain to me how I could be having these thoughts that I have been having and not stop them. The definition I am using for secret mind now are those set of thoughts that I haven't embraced/accepted to be of the mind and requires just immediate stopping/recognition that this is the mind and isn't me.
So I have had a whole range of thoughts that are like that: thoughts that I haven't accepted to be completely thoughts of the mind.
The way I was looking at how this could be is the following. So you know you start walking process and you know what thoughts and emotions and reactions you want to stop. So you start with those. Eventually you get to the point of stopping most of those thoughts and reactions that you really wanted to change. And so you are left with what is left. That which you haven't been wanting to change for some reason. You would think that logically the thoughts that you don't want to let go would be things like dreams or desires, or fantasies or positive things that are too shameful to share or stop. In reality, for me, that's not so. In reality, stopping fantasies, desire and shameful things were very easy and on the top of my list. And in reality the thoughts here that are part of my secret mind are more negative, and self-negative, and self-bashing.
Why is this? So the reason why I am seeing that for me these thoughts are what are part of my secret mind is because the emotions behind that played a close role to my heart/being. So really feeling quite sad or distressed, and really becoming it in past moments. So really believing deeply that there is a part of me still within this thought and more importantly the emotion that is real that is a real part of me. So that is the belief. You can say it left its mark or scar, but in a way that it feels like it is me, it is my self-definition you could say.
So I was testing this point and this is what I found. So when I allowed the thoughts to be here, and see okay: this is a thought.... saying that point or seeing that point... I found that the thought and emotion didn't really move... it stayed still... And I could see that it still was considered and felt to be a part of me... However when I tested the following: saying that this is my secret mind, that this thought is part of my secret mind... Then I was like okay, I am stopping this thought now. So I was stopping it, and moving to stop it.
So here this isn't a question of willpower but more of definition and perception. Changing my perception and using the definition to help myself see something... that this indeed are thoughts and I am thinking them... and one thing I know and live is that if I have a thought that I stop it immediately no matter what. So that has been a clear living definition of mine. However, here was the case where I wasn't clearly seeing a thought to be a thought.
My proof of my application is how when I apply the point of seeing these thoughts as part of my secret mind and then I do go to stop it immediately and then its all chill/stable within me.
Now, to also help illustrate the point... I was testing these thoughts and they were of a different nature than usual thoughts that i have faced. They are thoughts that as if I am speaking and living them... they have that history of me becoming and living these thoughts, and sometimes speaking them. They are have that more intense nature, and "living" nature. At the same time though, the moment I call them as being my secret mind, then whatever strength they had dissipates. At the same time, if I don't call them out, then they do continue and ramble on in my mind.
Now, to be even more specific, the nature of these thoughts are that they are thoughts that I would live and form my thinking and opinions, and seeing and looking within. Meaning that in moments they would activate I did see them as a part of me, as being me. I didn't consider them to be thoughts. At the same time however, I have worked on a subset of these thoughts many times. Meaning that I attempted to work/stop certain thoughts for several years to no avail. Meaning that I knew that these were thoughts, and I wrote about them, but it wasn't enough to stop and change.
So now, however, I can change and stop them in the moment. So I can remember in the past I would try to stop these thoughts with self forgiveness directly and it didn't really work, meaning that yes it would kind of stop for a bit, but it would come back later.
Now, what I am living and experiencing with this application of calling this my secret mind is that point of like no secrets. When you have no secrets you feel quite good right? When you are really exposed and that's it, it feels really good right? So I think that is how and why it works, its that sense of freedom from secrets, like a burden's been lifted. No longer questioning or wrestling with the fact that is this me? Is this the mind? Is there a part of me that's real here?
So again, my definition of the secret mind is now that its those thoughts that we don't want to accept to be thoughts, and we haven't yet accepted to be thoughts and of the mind, still believing that there is a part to it that is real or that is us is some way or another. And again, its not what you may think or expect, meaning it may not be the stereotypical answer of secrets thoughts are like secret dirty desires for example.
So this all above is what I am finding and it is interesting. I remember reaching a point in my process where I was like now what? And going through all sorts of spirals and confusion and having certain thoughts stick and unable to really let go of them. And having this affect me and my words in how I write myself and express myself. I don't think its easy for anyone to really face that which they have been holding to be "as" the truth close to their heart/core. And so really let go of that "truth." Which of course was a belief all along. As with anything I do need to test this out in the long term, however what I am finding immediately here is promising.
So what I am finding immediately here is that yes I do go into those reactions where I do squint my face and move my head and it feels like I am speaking the thoughts aloud, so that happens, but then immediately I call it out as being my secret mind and then it drops. And then I do have that sense of self that I have when I stop a thought and I stand as myself. This process is about stopping thoughts, emotions and feelings. So that living that is what I am living, which leaves me with that sense of self standing and directing and having that space here to direct, create and speak words, like I am doing here with this blog. I can tell that my words in this blog is of that specific nature and directed nature.
So an interesting cross-reference is that this secret mind is like a weight on my shoulders, where its correlated to my eyes drooping down. And when I am standing here as the point and supporting my eyes and body it is clear and obvious that my eyes open up. So that's quite cool.
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