Day 726 Explosive Revenge and Worthlessness Series/Collection

Series Explosive Revenge and Worthlessness 

I am a Bad person

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am a bad person for trying to help my friend
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am wrong to try to help someone
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think its wrong to help someone if they get mad at you after
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am a bad person if I tried to help my friend and they lashed out at me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am a bad person for reacting to my friend lashing out at me, and wanting to no longer be their friend or see them again
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my friend lashing out at me, and wanting to no longer be their friend or see them again.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am bad/wrong for trying to reconcile with my friend with how they lashed out at me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am bad/wrong for trying to clear things up and bury the hachet with my friend after both of us reacted
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am bad/wrong for my friend resisting to reconcile and bury the hachet
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am to blame and I shouldn't have tried to reconcile and bury the hachet
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think my friend is to blame for her own resistance to clearing the air and burying the hachet, I understand that we are all in different places in ourselves.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I was wrong for trying to gently bring up the point of clearing the air and burying the hachet, and reconcile, because my friend resisted
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think it was wrong to care for my friend
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think it was wrong to reconcile
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think it was wrong to try to make things better.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself because my friend got angry at me and started to ignore me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lash out at my friend by giving her the silent treatment and stating within myself that she's not my friend anymore
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of my friend leaving.
If my friend wants to go, I let her go. I don't regret caring and trying to help, and doing what is best. I will keep being myself, and keep my heart warm and open to all my friends, and be there for them if/when needed.

Brother my Brother

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The Stage

FEAR AND WORRY
about how attractive woman sees me. I worry about their opinion of me. I am worried how they see me. I want to distract myself with PORN where its a world where women do ACCEPT me just how I am, and are attracted to me even. It gives me self value
- I am worried if a woman is mad at me, or just sees me bad in anyway
- If such an attractive woman were to give me helpful advice/criticism, I would totally react.
- I am unable to BE MYSELF while I am caring for their opinion, and pining for and making sure they view me well/positive.

Who am I? Living words.
What is best for ALL, Oneness and Equality, Patience.

Forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry about an attractive woman's opinion of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place a woman on the stool on the stage in my mind, in the frame of I CARE about their opinion as I see them as a potential mate for me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry I need to use this stage, that I need attraction, that I need to be able to be this way so I can get a woman one day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to protect the stage and justify the stage.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear, value and care about the Opinion about me of a Attractive woman, and take on what they say as the truth of me, and who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pine for, and hope for, and do whatever it takes for a positive view from such an attractive woman

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to switch between woman to woman, a new woman to sit on the stool on the stage in the frame of my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow this frame and structure and system of my mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow this existence of me living with this frame/structure within me of how I respond to attractive women

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use/live this stage as the way to start and approach a woman as a mate as an potential flame.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use/live this stage as the way to determine who I am, which then determine what I do, and so how I flirt, how i speak to such a woman, and how I initiate any relationship, contact and communication.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with hatred if such a woman who has been giving my positive value, suddenly hates me or rejects me, or attacks me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take it as a betrayal when a woman who i have been receiving positive feedback, suddenly attacks me, or rejects me or is aggressive to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having an attractive woman angry at me, and to take that on as my self-value and self-definition that I did something wrong

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to listen to and take on as myself all of the things that a woman says to me, and who I have been attracted to and have a solid relationship of positive feedback on me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in this reactive way of simply accepting and allowing myself to become this and accept and allow all of these words/definitions, and becoming all of these self-values and self-perception and self-image and self-judgment automatically.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to consider dating, and getting to know a woman to be this reality of self-image, self-perception, taking on the opinions of the other about you as the truth, and this out constantly, and constantly changing/shifting instantly/readily without consideration or seeing/deciding what/who i am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel shame/guilt if a woman that I find to be a potential partner, to be a suitable partner, or attractive, doesn't like that I am finding them as a potential partner or suitable or attractive, or is angry at me, or aggressive towards me or pushes me away.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when a woman is visually and physically/verbally in anger, aggressiveness, or pushing me away because I was viewing them as attractive, a potential partner or suitable for me, that  I take that as who I am, my self-value, as me as someone bad, inappropriate, a creep, weirdo, mean, disrespectful, a bad guy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be direct with a woman if I am considering them or interested in getting to know them because I do see them as a potential partner, or that something may open up through spending some time. 

Living Word: Commanding
Where I command myself, command the situation- and so direct it to what's best for all.

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Conspiracies and Gossip

Forgiveness and Understanding where other people are at

To forgive them for they know not what they do
Cause we got systems inside of us
cause its a process to change
Cause reactions come out sometimes
Cause that's not who they really are

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to being spiteful against them, see them as my enemy, as my betrayer, judas, competitor, rival, foe.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seeing me in competition, fighting with, throwing remarks at them, passive aggressiveness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seeing we are at war as soon as we share the same space.

"Ex-girlfriend of the past"- women conspiring behind my back, talking about me, taking sides against me. Losing my friends

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that everyone is against me, my friends, people talk about me,
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am alone
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I lost all my friends
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am lost
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid that she is talking to other people about me.


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 Revenge

 
I had a moment of wanting to take revenge against someone. I felt happy in doing so. I did take an action of revenge. I did make a decision to take revenge. I did feel justified. I did feel like I had no choice. I did feel like I couldn't talk to them and be understood. I did decide they were not my friend any longer. I did decide that they meant nothing to me anymore. I did decide to hide this decision. While deciding that they were not my friend, I felt hatred. I felt I was with a stranger. I felt alone. I felt insecure with them and not safe, not protected, not cared for, not watched out for.

I felt like I couldn't share with them how I felt and what I was going through within me. I thought they were my enemy now, and there is no way they would understand. I decided this in a moment, one breath. I still feel this way. I don't know how to stop except through Self-forgiveness and writing. I felt betrayed. I felt like my world was turned upside down. I felt like I lost a friend and gained an enemy the same day. I am confused. I don't know why this happened. I felt powerless to change things. I feel like I can't convince them. I feel like they won't believe what I say. I feel like there is no talking to them.

I feel like I lost something. I feel like I lost my belief that we were good friends. I feel like I lost the belief that we could talk about anything. I feel like I lost the ability to speak to them. I feel like I don't know who I am anymore to them. I feel like I can't be myself when with them or around them. I miss that safe space of comfortability with them, where I can be myself and say anything. I miss them. I miss their presence in how I had known them. I wish I had the power to fix things. I wish that I could magically make things better into how they were. I wish we could have talked about things before it exploded.

I wish they had the same perspective as me. I wish things were different. I hope it will be different. I want it to be different. I don't know who I am if things don't become well again, and fixed. I think to myself: "how can I let this happen? Who am I if I cannot prevent something like this?"  I realize that its not up to me alone, it takes two to tango, there are two people here, this is the nature of all relationships in existence, Parent-child, Teacher-student, Friends, Lovers... all relationships.

I don't want to be in a situation like this again. I don't want it to repeat itself. I don't want to be powerless in a relationship ending, and there be nothing I can do to stop it. I don't want to invest my time and heart into something, for them to just end it. I don't want to feel this loss. I don't want to feel this betrayal. I don't want to take revenge. I don't want to make them my enemy. I want to take responsibility for my part, my contribution, what I said and did. I don't want to fear losing a relationship. I want to be what's best for all.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to take revenge against someone
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take revenge against a person
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel happy in taking revenge
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to decide to take revenge
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel justified in taking revenge
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I had no choice but to take revenge
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I couldn't talk to them and be understood.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not try to talk to them.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to decide they were not my friends anymore
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to decide they meant nothing to me anymore
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to decide to hide these decisions
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel hatred while deciding they were no my friend.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like my friend was a stranger
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel alone
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel insecure when with them
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel not safe with them
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel not protected by them
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel not cared for by them
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel not watched out for by them
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I couldn't share with them how I felt and what was going on through/within me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think they were my enemy now.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like there is no way they would understand what I say now
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to decide within one moment and one breath these decisions about them, and about us.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel betrayed
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like my world is turned upside down
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I lost a friend and gained an enemy
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel confused
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I don't know why this happened
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel powerless to change things
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I can't convince them
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like they won't believe what I say
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like there is no talking to them
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I lost something
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I lost my belief that we were good friends
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I lost my belief that we could talk about anything
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I lost my ability to speak with them
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I don't know who I am anymore in relation to them
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I can't be myself when with them or around them
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss that safe space of comfortability with them, where I can be myself and say anything
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss them.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss their presence
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish I had the power to fix thing
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish that I could magically make things better into how they were
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish we could have talked about things before it exploded
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish they had the same perspective as me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish things were different
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hope it will be different
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want it to be different
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not know who I am if things don't become well again between me and my friend, and so fixed
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think How can I let this happen?
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think Who am I if I cannot prevent something like this?
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that its not up to me alone, it takes two to tango, two people to create something, so its never just me alone who's deciding and creating a moment when it involves the relationship with another person
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to be in a situation like this again, where things explode unexpectedly
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want it to repeat itself between me and my friend or me and another person
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to be powerless in a relationship ending.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I am powerless when someone else decides to end a relationship, in the sense that it is their decision in the end, and that's been true and always will be true
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to feel this loss
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to feel this betrayal
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take revenge
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make them my enemy
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take responsibility for my part, my contribution, in what I said and did.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing a relationship


When and as I see myself feeling hatred when someone has said something that seems spiteful, bullying, like they despise me or don't care and are happy about it - I stop and I breathe - I realize that me reacting won't help- I realize that me deciding that they are not my friend and are an enemy won't help - I realize that if they are doing this with these intents then that they are in a reaction - I realize that I need to become support and align myself into a supportive role when someone else reacts- I realize that how I feel and reacting isn't justified- I realize that I can breathe and stop myself, and stop the reactions within me- I realize that i can embrace them for who they are, and listen to them- I realize if i was in fact danger that I can leave and pay for a cab and go- I realize that they may have been triggered by something I said and did and that people are all different and have their different weaknesses and triggers and that to me it may not make sense, but its the reality- I realize I can be understanding of someone else in their weakness, in what triggers them quickly/deeply - I realize I can be supportive through not reacting - I realize that my first priority in taking responsibility is in not reacting, and by doing that I am being tremendously supportive- I realize that by taking care of me, my within myself, I am caring for myself, loving myself, and being what I need for me - I realize that if I can take care of my inner space, then I can walk through such difficult contexts where other people react aggressively, and that I can stand - I realize to walk what is best for all is to be able to stand in all contexts that exist- I realize me reacting to someone in this way is a weakness of mine, is a blind spot in my process, is something I can take responsibility for.

I commit myself to take care of my inner sanctuary so that it stands and is clear within me in all such challenging contexts
I commit myself to stop myself when I start to see the reactions creep up
I commit myself to be steadfast and alert and immediately turn inward to check my stability
I commit myself to make sure I am ready to stop my reactions as they emerge in such difficult triggering contexts that are explosive
I commit myself to take responsibility for me utmost, and be willing to let the other person react/go where they go in their minds, in that I understand I don't have control/power over them, and that my way to help them is in me standing clear and absolute in not allowing the energies in my mind at all.
I commit myself to not judge a person by one reaction, one moment.
I commit myself to talk things through, and keep trying to talk things through and not let it explode.
I commit myself to keep trying to direct the points and the conversation especially as it gets heated.
I commit myself to make sure I stand in the conversation, unaffected by energies

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Bullies

To bullies: I don't care about you!

To people who insult me or make fun of me: I don't care about you!

A deep deep deep statement of I don't care about you. I don't care about your existence. I don't care about your suffering. I don't care about what you say. I don't care what you do. I really just don't care. I feel nothing, absolutely nothing. No anger, no irritation, no interest, no happiness about you. I don't react to you at all. It's like you don't even exist. If you want to make me irritated or mad, you are unable to. Cause I don't care about you, which is like the deepest level of Hatred for you. There's nothing deeper.

I have felt this way, various times across my life. I remember in middle school in the 6th grade, a kid was pointing his middle finger at me, and I went OH NO THE MIDDLE FINGER Sarcastically I am so hurt! Literally feeling this way, of like you mean nothing to me because you have insulted me. I don't care about what you say or do.

People who made fun of me, I would look them in the eye and they would be like DEAD to me, they don't even matter. My eyes became dead too, kind of sunken. Interesting observation/connection between my eyes and how I saw these people.

I would secretly hate these people. I wouldn't overtly attack them or bully them. I would just hate them and not care about them at all. If I saw them suffer or get in trouble, I would feel glee/happy. They were my enemies.

Me not caring about them, me having an expressionless face towards them or with them, was my way of hating them, of punishing them, of sending them that message that you don't even matter, you're nothing.

So I can turn with some friends and be happy with them, and then toward them I would be expressionless.

I remember this one girl in the 7th grade who was making fun of me for how I was cutting paper with scissors. And how I later on saw her at the school dance being alone and awkward. And how I gave her the stink eye. The same point of because she made fun of me, she was empty of a person, someone that deserved no love, no recognition, no happiness, nothing from me at all.

I hated people that I saw like this.I was righteous, I was casting judgment. I was deciding who they were, as either good or bad. Based on how they treated me once, I took that as the definition of who they are, and who they will be.

Sometimes my anger/hate would build into action or in how I spoke. And it was deep/completely here and me as my body, from my legs up. Just standing as that hate.

This is how I lived. Everyone who ever made fun of me in anyway, I felt this way about them. They were dead to me. It could be hundreds of other students, it could be anyone. And I just didn't care about them, and what they said. I suppose it was a way to survive school. Since I never took what people said personally in the traditional sense. They either accepted me (including leave me alone) or I absolutely hated them.

It happens in a second, in an instant.  The decision, the change of vision, the who i am toward them. And I feel it as a decision on my body, like deep in me, in my legs.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think the statement I don’t care about you

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to punish a bully by thinking that I don’t care about you

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think “I don’t care about you” when a person insults me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when a person makes fun of me and laughs about it to think I don’t care about you

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I don’t care about your existence

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I don’t care about your suffering

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I don’t care about what you say

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I don’t care what you do

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel nothing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view a person as if they don’t exist

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to I hate a person through not caring about them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think you are dead to me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give people the stink eye

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to secretly hate people

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be expressionless to the people I hated

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to treat people I hated like they don’t exist and don’t matter

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel glee and happiness to see people I hate suffer or punished

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to isolate people through treating them as nothing and everyone else as normal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view people I hate as deserving no love, no happiness, no recognition, nothing at all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be righteous in casting judgment of people

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to decide who was good and bad based on one moment of interaction with me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become the hate as my entire body

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to whenever someone would make fun of me to become this hate, wishing them to be dead

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to in a instant decide/react with seeing someone as this bad person who deserves my hate/rejection from existence.

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I am not Good Enough

I believe that I am not good enough for a woman, so I believe I need to do things like make the relationship go smoothly, gain relationship points, manage her feelings, manage the relationships, get cool points, say things a certain way, be a certain way, “At least she is seeing me in this way”  “At least this is adding to our relationship history” “I am proving/showing I am a sensitive guy” “Our relationship history is growing, that means something.”

“Don’t be too hard on yourself”

I believe that I am not good enough for a woman

I wreck things.

I mess things up

I have done bad things to women I have dated

I have wrecked my relationships

I have driven women away and made them uncomfortable

I have rejected women who wanted to be with me or get to know me

I have ignored women, and not listened to them

I am scared and shy and not confident in myself

I don’t have anything to offer to a woman

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress what I have done, and am living now: I am not good enough for a woman and I push women away, dismiss them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to self-sabotage my chances with a woman, when things are going very well

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be unable to accept and take rejection from a woman and so I rather just push her away

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to push a woman away who was genuinely interested in me, open to me, talking to me, when they are normally reserved

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make a woman feel bad by emphasizing to her that she is my Friend

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be dismissive, and ignoring of a woman cause I fear her rejection of me, so I push her away

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I have nothing to offer a woman

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am not suitable for a relationship with a woman

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I will wreck my relationships with women

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I will drive women away and make them uncomfortable

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am scared, shy and not confident with women

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need to prove myself to a woman, as I am not good enough at the start

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need to convince a woman than I am good enough for a relationship, when I believe that I’m not good enough.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need to lie to a woman to present a better image of myself, and a better image of how events transpired, cause I believe I am not good enough.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reject a woman when she was interested in me and wanted to get to know me, and I wanted to get to know her, except I was too scared and believed I’m not good enough for her, so she won’t accept me, so I should push her away.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need to win a woman’s heart and affection

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need to convince a woman, win her heart, prove myself to her, as the starting point that I am not good enough for her, and so I need to make her believe I am, and so then create an uphill battle, involving lying, manipulation, a game, doing tricks, giving gifts, playing it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be petrified of her being mad at me for approaching her and being interested in her

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manage a relationship

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look for cool points in a relationship as a sign that its progressing well

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to treat relationship with a woman like a video game, I’m getting points, and its progress bar is filling

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe through ACTIONS, and DECISIONS I create the relationship, so I can manipulate it and make it go well

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not remember how its Who I AM that determines a relationship, determines what I do and decide.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of being myself since I believe I am not good enough

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am not good enough.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need to manage another person’s feelings and reactions and keep things going well

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that in order to keep a relationship or build one that I need to manage another person’s feelings and reactions through the decisions I make and what I do and say

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be me, and share openly/freely as that me, that I live, and am living self-acceptance, and self-value

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look for ways to be seen in a positive light by a woman.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage my relationships with women where things are going well, except I am so deep in my lack of self-acceptance, self-value, being good enough that I can’t take the rejection, so I push her away, create space, and treat her rudely.

I need to take responsibility, and then reorganize myself, reposition myself, defrag myself, and restructure who I am in relation to relationship.

I hope I can get back what I threw away. I do want it again. With someone. But I need to live the correction:

When and as I see myself reacting in not seeing myself as good enough to be with a woman- I stop and I breathe- I realize that this is a self-fulfilling prophecy, where by living this statement, I will push a woman away, out of fear that she will push me away, and so I literally make it so its not possible to be with her- I realize I have many great qualities, and I have a self that is here that can offer things to a relationship partner – I realize that its simply about being yourself and what a natural fit it is with a woman- I realize that there is nothing inherently wrong with me that would prevent me from being with a woman, except this belief that I can’t, because of this belief of my value – I realize that this belief is a part of my mind and a part of the memory store in my flesh and it can be changed as belief and memory- I realize the past doesn’t define me and that I can recreate myself in this moment forward- I realize that I should treat a woman like how I would want to be treated- I realize that seeing myself as not good enough and bashing myself is how I am treating myself, and so that is how I will treat a woman, so I have to prevent this-

I commit myself to LIVE myself, my self-value, my self qualities, everything that is me that I can offer to any person in any moment through me, with women…

I commit myself Be the My-self that is here, real, and what I have already lived and proven as expression, as insight, as history, as presence… with women.

I commit myself to share, stand within, and express myself with women.

I commit myself to live from my being/chest, and speak from there, as my deep, seated, rooted self.

I commit myself to offer my best to every person, including women I am interested in for a relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear offering/being my best to women I am interested in a relationship in.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am being FAKE if I am offering my best, being my best on purpose with women I am interested in

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need to be my worse or so-so self with women I am interested in

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to purposefully live my worser self with women to drive them away or see if they accept me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live my worser self with women, and not my best cause I want to see how they react/respond

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am being REAL and self-honest in living my worser self with women, in testing them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that being my best self with women, most stable self with women is presenting a false image and is ego.

I regret putting women through this.

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 Conclusion

I have walked more dimensions and SF in my personal writings in addition to the above ones, however they are too personal to share. So here I will be wrapping all the points together with what I have learned and my corrective behaviors.

1st, one thing is very clear is to be standing absolute in myself and not react or be moved no matter what someone says or does, and no matter who it may be. I turned into a silent hate, which I see is because I was willing to stand as what's best for all and direct the moment and myself. So its a form of self-hate. I went into hate because i wasn't living what I should be, what's best for me and the other by directing the moment and my words, and so I hated myself for that. It's similar to being angry at oneself when one didn't take responsibility for oneself and the moment. So that was my first miss-take, missed moments.

So main dimension I see about why I wasn't standing within what is best for all naturally, and to direct the moment and myself to what's best for all is this dimension of worthlessness, in not seeing myself as good enough to be with a woman. And in this rare case the stars aligned so that my worst self was here in the worst possible moments.

I have for a long time knew that relationships with women in a romantic/dating sense has been my achilles heel, and I have worked very hard at this point. Over the years I have made great strides for sure, and my relationships with men/males have opened up for sure where it is way more natural.

So what I noticed happened with this particular woman, was that the dimension of not being good enough for a relationship with her creeped in. And I started to treat her rudely and pushing her away over time. I was already possessed and within the point of weakness of not being good enough for any woman. So in the height of reactive moment, I had no chance already to stand up as I was already rooted in that point of not being good enough, which means powerless, weakness, and as well as distance, as I have already been pushing her away and becoming progressively rude and ignoring her.

This is a pattern of mine unfortunately. And fortunately I can correct it. The solution is to live my best self with women. It was odd to see how I would be living a lesser version of myself when I was a woman to like test her? to see if she would what, react? Its odd. So the solution is simply to live the overall goal of being my best self which is that self I am with my male friends. I am sweet, I am loving, I am considerate with my male friends. That is who I am, I am here with the person and I am excited to be here with them. So this is definitely a blind spot, and one I can for sure work on. Simply have to be my best self with single women basically or on dates. I can see how throughout the years I would become more rude and distant with single women. I never understood why exactly and I thought I was being respectful or a good friend. I know odd right?

So the summary of the points i am correcting so far:
1. Live my best self with single women, or you know, whenever that system activates of like: relationships, and I don't want them to think I am flirting or interested in them.... so I treat them rudely. Its complicated.... but when its here, I know its here, and its my responsibility to continue to be the real/natural me as living my best self.

2. So with living my best self I am challenging the point of Worthlessness and believing I am not good enough for any woman. So that should correct over time with application/living

3. Standing, and Commanding myself in the moment, and directing into what is best for all really should be easier within this context and walking the above points, especially when such a woman would react heavily. Though to be able to STOP myself no matter what, and stop the reactions absolutely is something I can watch out for. And so will be something that I will be eventually tested on. No matter the situation, to stop the reactions.

So a the point wasn't addressed but is important is how I realized my excitedness and starting point of my expression that I was directing was genuine and cool, and to not suppress that self-expression and stop being myself. That is a key point to be myself.

So a reminder to all that this is a multidimensional process and that there are multiple dimensions to the mind. So here I had multiple dimensions of myself running at the same time. Its not a contradiction. And this is how all humans are living as and existing as. This is the nature of the mind. The way to walk the mind is one point at a time.

So here you can look at how I was within a point of wanting to present a positive image of myself to a woman, and at the same time treating her rudely and pushing her away... realize that this is the mind... the mind isn't ME as the Being who is directing it within commonsense and what's best for all. The mind is in a sense Crazy. It doesn't make sense. It is not a thing that is living responsibility and it can't be, cause that is our lessons as humans, to learn and realize what we have been accepting and allowing.

The mind isn't a personal thing, and it doesn't make sense. Don't make the mistake of believing the mind is a person, or that a person who is living as their mind is a person, has that agency, has that awareness, understanding.... forgive them cause they don't know. They haven't walked the process. This process is real. The mind is a real thing, and through walking the process I am really changing, understanding the mind and applying the corrections:

My goal will lead me to be able to be myself with single women, on dates or otherwise. To be the same best self I am with my friends who aren't them. I am not perfect, but I am striving to be, and I will get there eventually. And I will have the understanding and the experience to be able to assist others directly, after I walk my process.

What has given me the root of myself to trust myself has been all the years of application. Who I am now with friends, mostly males, shows me who I am. It shows my heart, it shows my love, that I am living love as that real good love that is non-sexual, a real care, and really independent of the mind system of relationship. That I have proven to myself in the physical. Now with that proven living I do want to equalize that point with single women or such women who are triggering the relationship dimension. So that I do STAND as me, and be their friend first, and have this living as me clear. It's not easy. It is my achilles heal, and I am dealing with another person who is unique and has their own process. So on the one side I have where I am clear and strong and proven within. On the other is where its a crazy ass storm and confusion. So I have been rooting/grounding myself in my truth and proven living and proven relationships with people. So I know who I am and where I stand.