Day 692 Another addendum --- Sex, Past Relationships and the One
Link, 1st blog on topic : https://yoganjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2019/01/day-690-about-being-alone-as-trauma.html
1st Addendum: https://yoganjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2019/01/day-691-update-and-addendum-to.html
So today is the second Addendum.
I have had several different points come up in the last few day and half that would add up and be part of this original mind system of Trauma of Being Alone.
The first was a more sexual one. Where I have had a problem within masturbation where a certain line of thought would come up of: "you don't know what you are doing!" so what I did this morning was look at this line of thought within the context of the Trauma of Being Alone, and what I have opened up recently. So within that it became clear that I was digging into my Past Relationship and sexual encounters. One of my past partners said to me "Yogan, you don't know what you are doing, you have good intent, but you don't know who you are." So I started doing self-forgiveness on Trauma, Self-hatred, Agony, pain and torture as connected to sex and masturbation, and my sexual expression. In order to release this point and connection of the past. Because if you read my blog on Being Alone and trauma of it, you would see immediately the clear connection that I lived for that distraction that belief that I am not alone, that I can escape my own pain and self-torture through people, through relationships, through being on people's good sides.
In all three of the relationships I had, I was dumped. And in is was that MOMENT, of the person's dumping me, that reaffirmed my belief and trauma of hating myself. I blamed myself for breaking up with me. It was my fault, as I thought and reacted at the time. It added to my hate of myself. Which of course is silly, and not true that's its my fault. It's stupid to blame oneself for the decision that someone else's makes. They could have just as well decided differently. Each person's decision is always on them. Just like my decision within letting myself exist in this self-hatred, though I understand the ignorance I was in, and lack of understanding of the mind and how to change.
So that moment of being Rejected, is one flag point, one dimension for me to correct within and as me in real time moments. Rejection doesn't have to affect me at all. I see the potential of that, and it starts by paying attention to this trauma of self-hatred, agony and torture that is my own constant experience for so many years, that is just energy, just mind. I can stop it.
One thing I noticed with sex with one partner was that she would always go very quickly, and if I look at a physical level, I didn't like that. Though my nature of being submissive and in so much self-hatred, I didn't say anything, for the fear of speaking up and driving her away and so have to face the pain of being alone.The truth of course was that I was already in such trauma anyway, its a lie that I was somehow free from it being in a relationship or having sex. Not true.
Anyway, so I didn't speak up to my partner, and she also didn't speak up to me, I notice. It was just assumed. That moving quickly was good. So looking at a physical level, I would have enjoyed moving much much slower, and really paying attention to my physical body, and be much more gentle and relaxed. I kind of also sense that it was work for her as well, a level of impatience.
So this resonance or presence of moving quickly in sex was imprinted on me I see, where at times in masturbation I do move in such a quick way like how I did with person, or how I experienced it. And because this is what I experience in sex back then, and I had considered that good sex, when it wasn't, that left that imprint, that lie and dishonesty.
And of course what is holding it in place is this self-trauma of being alone as agony and torture!!!!! The very point that held it in place, and kept me from being honest, which I am now releasing for good!!!!! So now I can see the point here, and the imprint and I can change it now. So I am. I have done the self-forgiveness. I can feel the weight and pressure here. And the waters calming inside myself.
This was above was one point from this morning. There was another here at night/afternoon.
Its not something I could express in words very well, because its such a point, so I did a vlog on it instead. See below. https://youtu.be/f6zxW5B9Lbc
So after doing this vlog and looking at the point here, I see the following solutions/corrections that I should have lived and can lived especially whenever such an energy is here. The energy is like a kind of painful excitement with this ONE person, one destined person for me, my fixation on the one who will save me from my torturous trauma of being alone with me...
well first off that give me, myself, time and peace. The time to do what's needed for me, the best for me. To give me my projects, my comforts, my physical things, my physical time to live.... cause the experience of this one, is like sacrificing everything for this one, including my time and my peace. So I give myself time and peace to live unconditionally. I am the one. I am the person. So I live for me. Within that, if I share my life with a person, with a one, then they will be one, and i will be one. Bother of us are our own one. So if we come together we are two. So simple math, lololololol.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek and search for the one, the one I can obsess over, and give all my time and energy and thought, and they can save me from myself, from my self-hatred, from my trauma of being with me alone.
I make myself the one I need, and the one I have.
1st Addendum: https://yoganjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2019/01/day-691-update-and-addendum-to.html
So today is the second Addendum.
I have had several different points come up in the last few day and half that would add up and be part of this original mind system of Trauma of Being Alone.
The first was a more sexual one. Where I have had a problem within masturbation where a certain line of thought would come up of: "you don't know what you are doing!" so what I did this morning was look at this line of thought within the context of the Trauma of Being Alone, and what I have opened up recently. So within that it became clear that I was digging into my Past Relationship and sexual encounters. One of my past partners said to me "Yogan, you don't know what you are doing, you have good intent, but you don't know who you are." So I started doing self-forgiveness on Trauma, Self-hatred, Agony, pain and torture as connected to sex and masturbation, and my sexual expression. In order to release this point and connection of the past. Because if you read my blog on Being Alone and trauma of it, you would see immediately the clear connection that I lived for that distraction that belief that I am not alone, that I can escape my own pain and self-torture through people, through relationships, through being on people's good sides.
In all three of the relationships I had, I was dumped. And in is was that MOMENT, of the person's dumping me, that reaffirmed my belief and trauma of hating myself. I blamed myself for breaking up with me. It was my fault, as I thought and reacted at the time. It added to my hate of myself. Which of course is silly, and not true that's its my fault. It's stupid to blame oneself for the decision that someone else's makes. They could have just as well decided differently. Each person's decision is always on them. Just like my decision within letting myself exist in this self-hatred, though I understand the ignorance I was in, and lack of understanding of the mind and how to change.
So that moment of being Rejected, is one flag point, one dimension for me to correct within and as me in real time moments. Rejection doesn't have to affect me at all. I see the potential of that, and it starts by paying attention to this trauma of self-hatred, agony and torture that is my own constant experience for so many years, that is just energy, just mind. I can stop it.
One thing I noticed with sex with one partner was that she would always go very quickly, and if I look at a physical level, I didn't like that. Though my nature of being submissive and in so much self-hatred, I didn't say anything, for the fear of speaking up and driving her away and so have to face the pain of being alone.The truth of course was that I was already in such trauma anyway, its a lie that I was somehow free from it being in a relationship or having sex. Not true.
Anyway, so I didn't speak up to my partner, and she also didn't speak up to me, I notice. It was just assumed. That moving quickly was good. So looking at a physical level, I would have enjoyed moving much much slower, and really paying attention to my physical body, and be much more gentle and relaxed. I kind of also sense that it was work for her as well, a level of impatience.
So this resonance or presence of moving quickly in sex was imprinted on me I see, where at times in masturbation I do move in such a quick way like how I did with person, or how I experienced it. And because this is what I experience in sex back then, and I had considered that good sex, when it wasn't, that left that imprint, that lie and dishonesty.
And of course what is holding it in place is this self-trauma of being alone as agony and torture!!!!! The very point that held it in place, and kept me from being honest, which I am now releasing for good!!!!! So now I can see the point here, and the imprint and I can change it now. So I am. I have done the self-forgiveness. I can feel the weight and pressure here. And the waters calming inside myself.
This was above was one point from this morning. There was another here at night/afternoon.
Its not something I could express in words very well, because its such a point, so I did a vlog on it instead. See below. https://youtu.be/f6zxW5B9Lbc
So after doing this vlog and looking at the point here, I see the following solutions/corrections that I should have lived and can lived especially whenever such an energy is here. The energy is like a kind of painful excitement with this ONE person, one destined person for me, my fixation on the one who will save me from my torturous trauma of being alone with me...
well first off that give me, myself, time and peace. The time to do what's needed for me, the best for me. To give me my projects, my comforts, my physical things, my physical time to live.... cause the experience of this one, is like sacrificing everything for this one, including my time and my peace. So I give myself time and peace to live unconditionally. I am the one. I am the person. So I live for me. Within that, if I share my life with a person, with a one, then they will be one, and i will be one. Bother of us are our own one. So if we come together we are two. So simple math, lololololol.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek and search for the one, the one I can obsess over, and give all my time and energy and thought, and they can save me from myself, from my self-hatred, from my trauma of being with me alone.
I make myself the one I need, and the one I have.
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