Day 691 Update and Addendum to yesterday's blog
Yesterday's blog: https://yoganjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2019/01/day-690-about-being-alone-as-trauma.html
So first an update. Things have been pretty quiet in my mind. Like I have the moments where the thoughts and experience would come up, and they start to creep in, but then I remember and am applying my application in the moment to change with understanding. And so I change it, I stop the thought, mind chatter. Negative backchat. Feeling Nervous or Anxious in relation to conversations/messages. I remember the point that its connected to this Trauma of Being Alone, the pain, the agony, the self-hatred, the torture. and voila! done. And just the eerie quietness of the moment, of being alone. That is eerie because its been so long, so not my normal.
If it wasn't obvious, within this system, I have been living my life, I have been pushing in every such way for expansion and growth in every dimension and way I understood thus far. I have been accepting every challenging, embracing the possibilities of new moments, and doing all the self-forgiveness on these very same points throughout time. So the blog, like so many others, are a culmination of who I have been in the moment throughout my process. Just what's cool, is that now I can see and understand this resonant trauma that has been in the background, yet consistently steady within me throughout me, throughout my day. And I realized that after writing that blog and rereading it and reading the self-forgiveness, that all of humanity or the vast majority can relate to it, that are living it. Because this would explain many such behaviors and patterns in movies, tv shows, and media like porn, including romantic novels and such for women. Where that experience of being alone... that pain and agony, like everyone's got it. But who actually dares to face it and change and be free? I don't believe anyone can just right now decide to be free of it, its impossible to do in just one moment, WITHOUT many many many moments beforehand of preparation, of work, of understanding.... but many such moments beforehand, then yes you will eventually change in one moment. Everyone can. It just takes time. ANYTHING good takes time. Anything REAL takes time. Everything takes time.
So this wasn't an accidental realization, this was a constant effort, and a team effort. I didn't do it ALONE. I had many many people support me specifically, in specific ways and they were mostly destonians. They were destonians being themselves, being their presence, being their process that they have lived. Sharing their process, sharing themselves, being themselves as they shared themselves online, sharing their self-forgiveness, sharing their realization, sharing their darkness, their difficulty, and their victories and transcendences. Logically and Rationally it makes sense that people who are living real change, and changing in such deep ways, that their mere presence supports you, BUT, until you actually live it and know it, you can't Imagine it what's it like for someone whose walked this desteni to support you in this way. It must be lived, experienced for you to understand.
For you to understand that when someone else is COMPLETELY stable in who they are, and that the only possible source of a reaction is YOU, that is a great support. That supports you, by simply them not reacting and being stable, and that helps you realize that everything you are thinking or saying is coming out of you, it is your words, it is yours thoughts.
I had a great catalysis of support the last month and a half, through such people being open, sharing themselves, and just supporting. So completely relax, so completely taking responsibility for themselves, so completely walking their own individual process to the MAX. That is how this world will change through people, these people. That is how change is going to happen. And I am just one part, one puzzle piece of this grand mosaic of process.
Addendum
Now for the Addendum, I had one other dimension of the mind come up in relation to this overall system of Trauma from being Alone.
It relates to God.
So something that I experienced right before the starting the desteni process. I was 18 still, and I had believed for many years already since I was 13 years, so for already 5 years believing that there were guides, and spirits, and higher selves, and beings existing that is guiding me on my path, and that God is watching over me, making sure I am where I am supposed to be. So already believing all of this, I started to create a kind of communication, or so I believed, with my guides, which a lady told me I had 3 such guides and that they were 3 kings. And so what happened, while I would be just sitting in my room trying to like connect with this higher energy, was that I would hear a Knock in the Room, a very loud and clear knock like on the ceiling. Like a snap, very quick, very brief, just a hit on the roof or walls of the room. So while within this intense energy, I started to believe I was being communicated with by such spirits, by my guides, and specifically it lead to me feeling like I was bad/wrong, like a knock would be telling me something bad that I did, like with thinking.
Basically, I saw this point today because again I heard the ceiling make such a sound and I felt something in my solar plexus. Now I have already worked on this point for a long time, including self-forgiveness way back in my process, as soon as I started it. Because they made it very clear through the portal that all such communication with heaven, with guides beings were cut off WAY before like in 1999. So everything that happens is through your own mind systems. So I immediately questioned my own communication and stopped it, which took time, it was a process to do so. But I was adamant and fierce about it.
So anyway, this morning I heard the knock, and I felt the reaction, and I saw that I could be holding on to it because it felt like I wasn't alone in the room, which is the whole trauma point. So I approached it from that angle. And I went ahead and see what happened. It did diminish some, so it did have an impact, BUT it was still there. So then I saw that this is probably its own dimension point, so it would be the sixth point in the system, adding on to the other five. So I did specific self-forgiveness in that moment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want my communication with my spirit guides so I won't feel alone.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want my communication and connection with some entity, some being, some higher self, some god so I believe I am not alone.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to feel protected and guided by god, by my higher self, to feel like my life is guided and destined and controlled.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be told I am bad and wrong in a moment by some knock in the wood of the ceiling so that I feel I am guided by something and I don't feel alone, that I can just relax and drop my guard down.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bad, feel wrong, feel dirty, feel evil, feel like I am no good, when believing I am hearing some communication from god or some spirits.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept and allow feeling bad, like I am bad, and wrong, because at least I didn't feel alone, that I could feel like someone or something was telling me I was bad.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let the morality system within me, of feeling like I am bad and wrong for doing certain things and being who I am.
After doing the self-forgiveness I felt the relief from my solar plexus, and energy. Releasing the knot. Releasing the pressure. This relates to the trauma of being alone, the suffering, agony and self-hatred because looked to god and prayed to god, WHY AM I LIKE THIS???? Why can't I fit in?? What's wrong with me???? And I believed God and my higher self had a destiny for me, and that they they would guide me to become BETTER, to be my utmost. So through accepting and allowing this experience of feeling morally bad, like I did a bad thing that I would be guided to change the points about me that would allow me not to feel the trauma of being alone. Which is of course silly. Trauma only exists in you, not in any one else. Its simply to be released and stopped for good. To get to that point, a process needs to be walked, the very process I have been walking since I was 18/19. Process takes time, its best to start right away.
So first an update. Things have been pretty quiet in my mind. Like I have the moments where the thoughts and experience would come up, and they start to creep in, but then I remember and am applying my application in the moment to change with understanding. And so I change it, I stop the thought, mind chatter. Negative backchat. Feeling Nervous or Anxious in relation to conversations/messages. I remember the point that its connected to this Trauma of Being Alone, the pain, the agony, the self-hatred, the torture. and voila! done. And just the eerie quietness of the moment, of being alone. That is eerie because its been so long, so not my normal.
If it wasn't obvious, within this system, I have been living my life, I have been pushing in every such way for expansion and growth in every dimension and way I understood thus far. I have been accepting every challenging, embracing the possibilities of new moments, and doing all the self-forgiveness on these very same points throughout time. So the blog, like so many others, are a culmination of who I have been in the moment throughout my process. Just what's cool, is that now I can see and understand this resonant trauma that has been in the background, yet consistently steady within me throughout me, throughout my day. And I realized that after writing that blog and rereading it and reading the self-forgiveness, that all of humanity or the vast majority can relate to it, that are living it. Because this would explain many such behaviors and patterns in movies, tv shows, and media like porn, including romantic novels and such for women. Where that experience of being alone... that pain and agony, like everyone's got it. But who actually dares to face it and change and be free? I don't believe anyone can just right now decide to be free of it, its impossible to do in just one moment, WITHOUT many many many moments beforehand of preparation, of work, of understanding.... but many such moments beforehand, then yes you will eventually change in one moment. Everyone can. It just takes time. ANYTHING good takes time. Anything REAL takes time. Everything takes time.
So this wasn't an accidental realization, this was a constant effort, and a team effort. I didn't do it ALONE. I had many many people support me specifically, in specific ways and they were mostly destonians. They were destonians being themselves, being their presence, being their process that they have lived. Sharing their process, sharing themselves, being themselves as they shared themselves online, sharing their self-forgiveness, sharing their realization, sharing their darkness, their difficulty, and their victories and transcendences. Logically and Rationally it makes sense that people who are living real change, and changing in such deep ways, that their mere presence supports you, BUT, until you actually live it and know it, you can't Imagine it what's it like for someone whose walked this desteni to support you in this way. It must be lived, experienced for you to understand.
For you to understand that when someone else is COMPLETELY stable in who they are, and that the only possible source of a reaction is YOU, that is a great support. That supports you, by simply them not reacting and being stable, and that helps you realize that everything you are thinking or saying is coming out of you, it is your words, it is yours thoughts.
I had a great catalysis of support the last month and a half, through such people being open, sharing themselves, and just supporting. So completely relax, so completely taking responsibility for themselves, so completely walking their own individual process to the MAX. That is how this world will change through people, these people. That is how change is going to happen. And I am just one part, one puzzle piece of this grand mosaic of process.
Addendum
Now for the Addendum, I had one other dimension of the mind come up in relation to this overall system of Trauma from being Alone.
It relates to God.
So something that I experienced right before the starting the desteni process. I was 18 still, and I had believed for many years already since I was 13 years, so for already 5 years believing that there were guides, and spirits, and higher selves, and beings existing that is guiding me on my path, and that God is watching over me, making sure I am where I am supposed to be. So already believing all of this, I started to create a kind of communication, or so I believed, with my guides, which a lady told me I had 3 such guides and that they were 3 kings. And so what happened, while I would be just sitting in my room trying to like connect with this higher energy, was that I would hear a Knock in the Room, a very loud and clear knock like on the ceiling. Like a snap, very quick, very brief, just a hit on the roof or walls of the room. So while within this intense energy, I started to believe I was being communicated with by such spirits, by my guides, and specifically it lead to me feeling like I was bad/wrong, like a knock would be telling me something bad that I did, like with thinking.
Basically, I saw this point today because again I heard the ceiling make such a sound and I felt something in my solar plexus. Now I have already worked on this point for a long time, including self-forgiveness way back in my process, as soon as I started it. Because they made it very clear through the portal that all such communication with heaven, with guides beings were cut off WAY before like in 1999. So everything that happens is through your own mind systems. So I immediately questioned my own communication and stopped it, which took time, it was a process to do so. But I was adamant and fierce about it.
So anyway, this morning I heard the knock, and I felt the reaction, and I saw that I could be holding on to it because it felt like I wasn't alone in the room, which is the whole trauma point. So I approached it from that angle. And I went ahead and see what happened. It did diminish some, so it did have an impact, BUT it was still there. So then I saw that this is probably its own dimension point, so it would be the sixth point in the system, adding on to the other five. So I did specific self-forgiveness in that moment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want my communication with my spirit guides so I won't feel alone.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want my communication and connection with some entity, some being, some higher self, some god so I believe I am not alone.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to feel protected and guided by god, by my higher self, to feel like my life is guided and destined and controlled.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be told I am bad and wrong in a moment by some knock in the wood of the ceiling so that I feel I am guided by something and I don't feel alone, that I can just relax and drop my guard down.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bad, feel wrong, feel dirty, feel evil, feel like I am no good, when believing I am hearing some communication from god or some spirits.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept and allow feeling bad, like I am bad, and wrong, because at least I didn't feel alone, that I could feel like someone or something was telling me I was bad.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let the morality system within me, of feeling like I am bad and wrong for doing certain things and being who I am.
After doing the self-forgiveness I felt the relief from my solar plexus, and energy. Releasing the knot. Releasing the pressure. This relates to the trauma of being alone, the suffering, agony and self-hatred because looked to god and prayed to god, WHY AM I LIKE THIS???? Why can't I fit in?? What's wrong with me???? And I believed God and my higher self had a destiny for me, and that they they would guide me to become BETTER, to be my utmost. So through accepting and allowing this experience of feeling morally bad, like I did a bad thing that I would be guided to change the points about me that would allow me not to feel the trauma of being alone. Which is of course silly. Trauma only exists in you, not in any one else. Its simply to be released and stopped for good. To get to that point, a process needs to be walked, the very process I have been walking since I was 18/19. Process takes time, its best to start right away.
Plant
Oh and I got a plant! I am calling it my baby. I know that people call pets their babies, and actually call babies.... my baby. But how about with plants huh? A specific relationship to a specific plant in your life. I have had such moments with specific trees that I would go to, and visit from time and again, and just look, and rest on them, and just enjoy. So it sits next to me on my desk. Right here, where I spend most of my time after work, doing my second job online, which is this process. And while I watch a movie on my laptop or such.
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