The most important thing that I can offer existence is to show that its possible to live and exist without thought, emotion and feeling. To show what its like to no longer feel insulted, intimidated, scared, worried, love, hope, sadness, excitement. To show what it is like to smile for real, laugh real, spontaneously in the moment, unplanned.

Wednesday, January 9, 2019

Day 683 (Staying inside your Shell)Socializing is weird



Socializing is the weirdest thing.
I am just reflecting here.

Like today, I get home, I do some things.... I don't FEEL like socializing or reaching out to people. I don't FEEL like it. I am happy and content as is, and if I reach out to someone.... they might not reach out back... maybe they are busy..... maybe they just don't want to right now.... maybe they just don't want to talk to me, OH THE DREADED FEAR OF THAT!!!!! Fear of Rejection!!!! AHH!!!!! OHH!!!!! NO!!!!!!

Anyway,

So I'm reflecting here, its weird, why would I ever reach out to socialize??? Why bother???

I am happy. I am content..... with just me.... alone....

But,

But I know something.
But I know there were memories and times before in the past. I know that there are people I have a history with, a past with.But I'm forgetting it....


Its weird, why do I feel like NOT reaching out to people and socializing, when i come home from a day's work????

I can hear my mom complaining to brother having an arugmentative conversation... I remember my family nights during the christmas break.... the awkward silences, the awkwardness, the shear difficulty to speak and share and open up intimately, without blame, anger, a weird sense of positivity that is fake.....

I remember my work week, the same thing... awkward moments of complaints, of being passive aggressive, of hearing people speak in irritation. Is this human relationship? Is this what normal is?

No wonder, I would rather stay away from socializing... to run away from people... to be happy and content alone.....

yet, I remember the times I had, how relationships can be with people, how people can be. I need to REMEMBER..... the potential,, the history with people that I have online that are in my life, even though they are online and a 1000 miles away. I need to REMEMBER.... I can't forget....

It's so easy for me to forget..... its so easy for me to exist in my bubble of protection alone, content and happy.  So easy.....

I can't let that happen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




So I have just decided that I'm going to make hiding in my shell the theme of my week!!!! Meaning I'm going to really focus in on this point and look at it in all dimensions.

Cause Here in these moments I felt good, and I was hiding in my shell, feeling tired/resistant to socialize with people, get to know them. I felt too tired/resistance to reach out to people. It felt bothersome. Because I felt comfortable where I am at, in my shell. The SHELL is something to FEAR!!!!!!!!!

And I don't fully understand it, but I have a sense that it does relate to being introvert, and relate to staying away from people, and creating this feeling of comfort/safety in being ALONE....

So im going to start with some basic self-forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel comfort, safety, and happiness in being alone, where I don't want to reach out to people, I don't feel like contacting people, I feel like being alone and being left alone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel this comfort like being in a shell or the womb of my mother, completely having everything I have and everything I need and everything is perfect.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be like those episodes that appear in several different tv series, where the heroes are trapped in an alternate reality where they have everything they ever wanted, they are VERY happy, their life is perfect, so they forget about their mission, and about the people they care about, and they have to fight to overcome this fantasy of perfection and happiness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to drown in happiness, good, feeling and comfort in being alone with me, within me, just me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not reach out to people, to not contact people, to stay in touch.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stay within the fantasy and illusion that everything is perfect and good and I can just stay in this feeling.

I realize that as an introvert, and as myself as Yogan, i have lived a very much solitary life, very much alone. I have developed a comfort in being alone. I have lived that for a long time. I have lived alone for a long time. And I Have to fight to overcome this feeling of comfort, to want to stay ALONE!!!!!!!!!

I have a resistance to reaching out now, to say something intimate, to say what I am seeing, say what I am perceiving, what I am going through...... I am in my shell.

I think my pattern may be that when I am uncomfortable being alone in my shell, then I am extroverted and seek people out!!!!!

But when I suddenly feel comfort again, and feel my life is good, then I retreat into my shell, and I stop interacting, stop contacting, and hide..... in comfort.

There is no motivation, no outside stimulus.... I have hidden. I have to overcome this.

This is my past. This is my challenge. 

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