Day 686 Reacting in Worthless - Seeking Comfort and Manipulation
yesterdays blog: https://yoganjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2019/01/day-685-reacting-in-worthlessness.html
Continuing with yesterday's point on Worthlessness in me while looking at how it relates to being Comforted.
So as a child growing up in worthlessness, I didn't seek to change the worthlessness directly, because I didn't know how, I didn't have the tools that I have now that I learned from Desteni (www.desteni.org www.lite.desteniiprocess.com). So what gave me a momentary pause or distraction from feeling worthless was feeling comforted, and being comforted. Now looking at how this developed over the years its interesting.
I remember some of the first crushes I had on women, when I was like 9 years old, that it was with girls in my class who were nice to me, and paid attention to me, who seemed like nice people. So I was being comforted in that moment. And it was very specific, like the smile of the person, making feel that I was being accepted and welcomed.
Fast forward, I can see how with women I dated, how it was something simple as the woman smiling at me, which would bring that Feeling of Comfort. Where I was distracted from being Worthless. So it was a physical action, a moment where a woman physically smiled at me and spoke very nicely to me and positively to me. And when that moment ended I was back in feeling/being worthless. So naturally, when I was in relationships with women and during the moments that we kissed and were intimate, I was being comforted, and that worthlessness was away. It was an action, it was a physical symbol/sign that I was not worthless, and I was being comforted in a physical way. And when the kissing stopped, it was right back to that worthlessness.
Being comforted is part of this design. It serves to protect the worthlessness, through distraction, through enabling it. And not only that, when the kissing stopped, most often initiated by the woman I was with, then I would feel angry/resentment and blame. Because I wanted it to continue. I wanted to continue to be comforted. I wanted to not feel/be worthless again in this moment!
You can imagine how unhealthy being this way in any relationship is like. Almost something akin to Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Such a split between realities of heaven and hell. The torment of moving one to another. The torment of being powerless and depending on someone else to give that to you. It's horrible.
There is something disarming when someone smiles at you and is so friendly for any person, where with your own worthless, its like the person is letting you drop yours for the moment. Unfortunately this is not the same as transcendence, and being independent in living the change point. It doesn't work like, simply smile at someone and free them. Indeed, it can be a point of abuse/trickery, where you know you can manipulate someone else. And that is my next point.
There is manipulation existing within me, because to have gotten these relationships, and even attempting to get into new one, requires manipulation while I continue to exist in worthlessness. Because how else can I get anyone to be with me, someone so worthless? So naturally manipulation is the way. And that is where Ego justifies the manipulation. What else can justify manipulation but ego?
I have lived manipulation in the form of being very nice, and romantic, and so similarly play on someone else's worthlessness.
With another woman, I have lived manipulation in the form of guiding a person to express their views on something like politics, in a very simply way like being Left learning or Right leaning, through just asking direct are you more left or more right? And in that how I say it, I make being Left the correct answer, the answer I want to hear. So also playing on a person's worthlessness through making them feel like I am agreeing with them and being friendly to them.
And the ego's role is to justify what I did, as right, as my choice, as my freewill, and that I was being GOOD, and SINCERE, and being NICE to the person!!!!!!!!
Of course that is what I as ego would say. Of course. Just brush it all under the rug for no one to see ever.
Without all this crap, without all this worthless and fear. Without the need for manipulating someone, because of seeing myself as worthless in the first place, and without the ego coming in to cleanup the mess, something like a Hitman, or a Specialist or Fixer.
Fucking-AAAA I would be free to be me unapologetically.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use comfort as a distraction and an alleviation from being Worthless.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself for staying in Worthless when I was younger, because I didn't yet know, see or understand yet how to change it yet.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame the woman I was with when she would give me the comfort and then take it away.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in this dimension in my mind where I believe such things as me being worthless, and someone else giving me comfort, and me manipulating another, and me being ego and justifying it, when all the while that is not the reality as physical reality.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the mind is real, and me being worthless is real, and someone else giving me comfort is real, and me manipulating someone is real, and me justifying the manipulation is real, creating this whole drama and alternate reality in my mind that is made real through the flow of energy drawn from my body.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enact and act on manipulation due to saying/seeing that I am worthless and need to manipulate.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge and act with Ego to justify the manipulation and hide that I am manipulating by saying I am good and right.
Thank you for reading my blog,
as a special note: Eqafe has launched Eqafe Unlimited, which allows you access to the entire library of Eqafe for a monthly subscription, just like Netflix. Its cheap and affordable. I have used eqafe to find and search for a point I had trouble with in process, such as anger, or fears. It always gave me that extra hint/clue to help me along in opening up a point in writing. Check it out! www.eqafe.com
Relevant eqafe interview:
Continuing with yesterday's point on Worthlessness in me while looking at how it relates to being Comforted.
So as a child growing up in worthlessness, I didn't seek to change the worthlessness directly, because I didn't know how, I didn't have the tools that I have now that I learned from Desteni (www.desteni.org www.lite.desteniiprocess.com). So what gave me a momentary pause or distraction from feeling worthless was feeling comforted, and being comforted. Now looking at how this developed over the years its interesting.
I remember some of the first crushes I had on women, when I was like 9 years old, that it was with girls in my class who were nice to me, and paid attention to me, who seemed like nice people. So I was being comforted in that moment. And it was very specific, like the smile of the person, making feel that I was being accepted and welcomed.
Fast forward, I can see how with women I dated, how it was something simple as the woman smiling at me, which would bring that Feeling of Comfort. Where I was distracted from being Worthless. So it was a physical action, a moment where a woman physically smiled at me and spoke very nicely to me and positively to me. And when that moment ended I was back in feeling/being worthless. So naturally, when I was in relationships with women and during the moments that we kissed and were intimate, I was being comforted, and that worthlessness was away. It was an action, it was a physical symbol/sign that I was not worthless, and I was being comforted in a physical way. And when the kissing stopped, it was right back to that worthlessness.
Being comforted is part of this design. It serves to protect the worthlessness, through distraction, through enabling it. And not only that, when the kissing stopped, most often initiated by the woman I was with, then I would feel angry/resentment and blame. Because I wanted it to continue. I wanted to continue to be comforted. I wanted to not feel/be worthless again in this moment!
You can imagine how unhealthy being this way in any relationship is like. Almost something akin to Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Such a split between realities of heaven and hell. The torment of moving one to another. The torment of being powerless and depending on someone else to give that to you. It's horrible.
There is something disarming when someone smiles at you and is so friendly for any person, where with your own worthless, its like the person is letting you drop yours for the moment. Unfortunately this is not the same as transcendence, and being independent in living the change point. It doesn't work like, simply smile at someone and free them. Indeed, it can be a point of abuse/trickery, where you know you can manipulate someone else. And that is my next point.
There is manipulation existing within me, because to have gotten these relationships, and even attempting to get into new one, requires manipulation while I continue to exist in worthlessness. Because how else can I get anyone to be with me, someone so worthless? So naturally manipulation is the way. And that is where Ego justifies the manipulation. What else can justify manipulation but ego?
I have lived manipulation in the form of being very nice, and romantic, and so similarly play on someone else's worthlessness.
With another woman, I have lived manipulation in the form of guiding a person to express their views on something like politics, in a very simply way like being Left learning or Right leaning, through just asking direct are you more left or more right? And in that how I say it, I make being Left the correct answer, the answer I want to hear. So also playing on a person's worthlessness through making them feel like I am agreeing with them and being friendly to them.
And the ego's role is to justify what I did, as right, as my choice, as my freewill, and that I was being GOOD, and SINCERE, and being NICE to the person!!!!!!!!
Of course that is what I as ego would say. Of course. Just brush it all under the rug for no one to see ever.
Without all this crap, without all this worthless and fear. Without the need for manipulating someone, because of seeing myself as worthless in the first place, and without the ego coming in to cleanup the mess, something like a Hitman, or a Specialist or Fixer.
Fucking-AAAA I would be free to be me unapologetically.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use comfort as a distraction and an alleviation from being Worthless.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself for staying in Worthless when I was younger, because I didn't yet know, see or understand yet how to change it yet.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame the woman I was with when she would give me the comfort and then take it away.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in this dimension in my mind where I believe such things as me being worthless, and someone else giving me comfort, and me manipulating another, and me being ego and justifying it, when all the while that is not the reality as physical reality.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the mind is real, and me being worthless is real, and someone else giving me comfort is real, and me manipulating someone is real, and me justifying the manipulation is real, creating this whole drama and alternate reality in my mind that is made real through the flow of energy drawn from my body.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enact and act on manipulation due to saying/seeing that I am worthless and need to manipulate.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge and act with Ego to justify the manipulation and hide that I am manipulating by saying I am good and right.
Thank you for reading my blog,
as a special note: Eqafe has launched Eqafe Unlimited, which allows you access to the entire library of Eqafe for a monthly subscription, just like Netflix. Its cheap and affordable. I have used eqafe to find and search for a point I had trouble with in process, such as anger, or fears. It always gave me that extra hint/clue to help me along in opening up a point in writing. Check it out! www.eqafe.com
Relevant eqafe interview:
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