Day 690 About Being Alone as a Trauma

Being Alone

There is a system within me that 5 parts to it. Each part relates to this Trauma of being Alone growing up, being alone as who I am, being alone as my story, being alone as my past, the physical behaviors and ways I act out due to this Trauma of being alone.

The 5 parts of the system are:

1.     Feeling/Thinking my life is meaningless and purposeless. This is very well captured by the end of the Bohemian Rhapsody song “Nothing really matters, anyone can see, nothing really matters, nothing really matters to meee…. Any way the wind blows….”

These have been constant and consistent backchats in my recent days going back to several years. Where I would try to stop it and stand up from it, though never really ending it or changing it. But I did use this as a starting point to write out my purpose to become a data scientist and use that money to create my life and support the life of others. So I didn’t let it stop me, I worked with it however way I could. Now though with seeing it as part of this grander system of Being Alone as a Trauma, maybe it will finally end.

Like I am laying in bed and a backchat thought in my voice says, what’s the point of anything, there is no meaning in my life. And seeing how being alone is this point, I am alone, I have no meaning, no purpose, no persons in my life, I am alone.

2.     the second point is feeling Nervous and Anxious with sending an email to someone or a message to someone, and seeing they replied and being very afraid of them hating me or being angry at me. I am nervous and anxious about them leaving me, leaving me alone. The same nervous and anxious energy and presence is here when I speak or write to someone where I am speaking in such a way where I am scared of losing them, them leaving me, so I end up speaking a lot, or saying a lot of things, and really speaking in an insecure nervous way. Like I am anxious to see them. I am anxious being alone, I am so anxious and nervous that I will be left alone and see no one again. This reminds me of some dogs that would act this way, and bark and bark and bark when you leave them alone. They don’t want to be alone, they are anxious, nervous and scared. They don’t want to be alone. That is the nervous and anxious experience of mine when I am speaking/writing someone online, or talking on the phone.

3.     Pornography. I have a long history with porn where I did face already many points and transcended many points, except this one. This one has been nagging at me. And I didn’t understand why I couldn’t let it go. Now I think I got it. Its part of this system. So its basically the positive polarity to all of this negative energy and emotions from the system. I go to porn to not feel alone. To feel like I am with someone. Some of the porn would be games where it would simulate dates. And so simulating dating and having a girlfriend. I understand that it gave me that feeling of intimacy/connection or belief thereof so that I can escape and manage feeling alone.

Flirting. Flirting relates to this porn point above, and as well as generally feeling excited and all those feelings that come with talking to a feemale, who is smiling, and flirting back. Basically the same point, it serves the positive polarity of the system, so I don’t feel alone.

4.     Crying- way back when I was like 13 or 14 I would cry in my bedroom, saying aloud, what’s WRONG WITH ME!!!!! Why doesn’t anyone LIKE ME!!!! Why can’t I change!!!!! Oh god please!!!! (I believed in god and was praying to god) And I was full on tears. This happened many times. In present day, I cry when seeing certain movies or videos or tv series, where I am seeing everyone happy, being together and not alone, and I WISH I COULD HAVE THAT SO MUCH. To not feel alone. So I cry. The crying involves emotional pain, agony, trauma, torture, and self-hate.

5.     Accepting and allowing my mind to speak to me, knowing it’s the mind, just so I don’t feel alone. There have been things the mind says to me that is abusive, and hateful. I have tried to stop it, and stand up, and live my life. Though its there. Now I understand why. Its because at least I wasn’t faced with being alone, so even though I have diminished the mind and pushed back the mind in so many ways and to such extreme, just this one little part and area that it had left, I left it, because of this. Now, it seems like after letting go of this system, there won’t be anything left of the mind.

So playing piano, and masturbation as self-touch, and generally enjoying myself and having fun, has been a difficulty the recent years. Before the recent years it was easy and fun. So I know this is a system, not one that was created in recent years, but one that has been there for a long time. Its probably I wasn’t ready yet in the beginning of process, but in recent years I was. And it has lead to this point.

I don’t know what will happen once I release this system as a whole. We’ll see. This is a  big step for me, I can tell. The final puzzle piece. It’s almost hard to believe. Well, let’s just do it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live within the trauma and pain of being alone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to speak and share, and search for social contact within the starting point of feeling the pain and torture of being alone, and so then feel anxious and nervous to lose someone, lose a conversation, to be left by someone, and so be left alone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look for a simulation of people through porn games, through videos, movies, images, tv series, where I can feel not alone, where I can pretend I am not alone, where I can go into that distraction and high of believing I am escaped my hell of trauma of being alone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cry and shout/yell at myself, WHAT”S WRONG WITH ME!!!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pray to god, why am I alone? Why doesn’t anyone like me?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cry within self-hate, agony, torture, and trauma

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the mind to continue to exist in some spaces in my mind, just so I won’t feel alone, just to avoid that pain, torture, and trauma of being alone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to let the mind speak to me in abusive ways, and spiteful, violent ways like imagining myself being choked by someone, and things like what’s wrong with you! You don’t know what you are doing! Which I allowed simply so I won’t be completely alone, as I considered that at least someone or something here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to flirt with females, and try to find the spaces/places where I am open to be flirted to by females, where it gave me that positive high and distraction from being alone, similar to how I use porn dating games, to simulate not being alone, feeling not being alone, where I could imagine a life with someone, and imagine never being alone again, and feel that positivity, and relief from trauma of being alone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel meaningless and purposeless without having someone, without having people in my life, where I let that take away my joy and enjoyment of playing piano and self-touch as masturbation in a physical way without mind or energy (same applies when playing piano)  because doing so, I did it alone, I played piano alone, I was alone with myself with my body, and that triggered by emotional trauma of being alone.

I let go of my past, of my trauma and pain, all those years in elementary school where I felt alone, in middle school where I felt alone, in high school, and in college where I felt alone. I felt alone for 12+ years of my life, feeling I relate to no one and no one could relate to me. I was in such constant emotional agony and pain that I got used to it. I got numb to it, that seeing these energies seem like something I can easily miss, cause its not “that bad.”

This has been my life, this is what I lived, so I let it go. 

I also forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to say aloud “I have always been so alone throughout my life.” and say this in this emotional way of feeling sad

Thank you for reading my blog,
as a special note: Eqafe has launched Eqafe Unlimited, which allows you access to the entire library of Eqafe for a monthly subscription, just like Netflix. Its cheap and affordable. I have used eqafe to find and search for a point I had trouble with in process, such as anger, or fears. It always gave me that extra hint/clue to help me along in opening up a point in writing. Check it out! www.eqafe.com

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