The most important thing that I can offer existence is to show that its possible to live and exist without thought, emotion and feeling. To show what its like to no longer feel insulted, intimidated, scared, worried, love, hope, sadness, excitement. To show what it is like to smile for real, laugh real, spontaneously in the moment, unplanned.

Thursday, January 10, 2019

Day 684 I have someone dependable, reliable here and its freaking me out!

I have someone who is dependable, reliable, is THERE, and it is freaking me out!

Cause my systems are activating... What are these systems? What is happening within me?

I am going into self-doubt 1. I am second guessing what comes up within me as what I would normally say to the person and share with the person.

I am feeling a strange constant state of happiness for no apparent reason 2.. I see this is here because I believe/see I have this person here, they are always here, they are reliable, they are going no where, an its a FACT. So in my mind I'm reacting in this strange constant happiness.

Another way to look at it, is that it should be normal and the norm for people to ALWAYS be there, to be so trustworthy, and reliable, and simply SHOW UP in the relationship... that its so normal its boring or not exceptional. And we can live normally.

3. I am getting quiet and reserved because of 1. where I am second-guessing myself, not trusting myself, because I am afraid of saying something STUPID and losing this person. I am fucking afraid.

4. I am also getting quiet and reserved, because I get overwhelmed by 2, and then I just black out, I just start falling asleep or start imagination or start drifting in thoughts.





I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow second guessing and doubting what comes up within me to share/express with the person, which I would be normally express with them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a feeling of constant happiness, just cause I know that they are ALWAYS there, and they are reliable and dependable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a constant fear of losing them, because of me doubting myself, and what to say, where I don't want to say anything STUPID.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be overwhelmed by positive energy and constant happiness that I just black out and enter in my mind and drift along, including drift off to bed, and drift off into imagination and dream land.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel comforted when someone is always there, reliable, dependable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel happy knowing that someone is always there, dependable, reliable.

I am dependable and reliable for many many people.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel the stuff of dreams when I see this person being here, and I have them here, they are here part of my life, reliably, dependably, seemingly infinitely so.

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So I wrote all of the above yesterday, and I haven't published it yet. It was what I needed to write just to work on the first layer of energy. Now I am going to work on the understanding and connecting the dots.

I am seeing multiple lines connecting with inside myself. How I have defined what a dependable and reliable person is, and how I have a specific relationship to these words and how I have lived it as energy in the past. Basically it is how I described above, but it may not be so clear to people unless they really stop and take a look. I am participating in two parts simultaneously, with having a person who is dependable, reliable and showing up as the trigger point. So to explain the timeline, there is a person who has consistently showed up and been a part of my life for a time period, and then that realization or the awareness of that dawned on me, and then my mind system activated. I have been calling it a freak out, and it feels like a form of insanity.

The reason why I say insanity is because I am simultaneously within a positive energy and a negative energy, and everything just feels unsettled, I don't feel like myself. I am feeling content/happy and satisfied and I am feeling afraid and scared. And it gets really weird as I describe the exact nature of this experience. I am feeling this odd comfortable FEELING and it overwhelms me, like I literally feel like passing out into a slumber, and I am resistant to reaching out to anyone, or contacting anyone, I suppose the best way to describe it is like what I would expect enlightenment from meditation to be, like pure rays of happiness coming out of seemingly nowhere and placing you in a stupor. It really does fucking suck and its fucking tiring. But it is tempting, and I had no idea what the fuck was happening the first few days in it.

So secondly the point is fear, where its like I don't want to contact the person, and whereas before communication on my part was open and free-flowing where I just shared whatever was here, it was now like second guessing and self-doubt and just not sure what the fuck to say, and so what I end up saying was more often than not, NOTHING at all. Its just so fucking stressful to deal with what to say!!!! and again I wasn't like that before the system triggered.

So the fear too also reaches a point of being overwhelming.

SO I got both parts here, equally the best parts of the perfect storm, feeding off of each other, getting stronger and stronger.

I have had moments where I had friends that I just made as a KID and I saw them as THERE and dependable, and they are my friend and that won't ever go away...... and then they moved away.... That was like a traumatic moment for me. It so fucking weird though why. But I placed so much emphasis on that one person... and what I am seeing is that this left this mark as energy and as a system within me, where I get stuck in that past moment of relishing/enjoying my friend and then being destroyed upon hearing the news that they are moving, and that I wouldn't ever see them again, and I didn't have the chance to say goodbye! Anyway, the energy was like a snapshot image that I brought with me into the next moments....

So I say fuck you energy, Im going to change. Normally I don't say fuck you, but fuck it, this has been way too fucking much and been going on way to fucking long.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stay within this trauma and past moment of losing a friend.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stay within positive energy and negative energy as feeling comfortable with having someone dependable and fearing them leaving or dying, or moving, or whatever.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow this comfort energy within me, to make someone Dependable, and showing up in my life, as someone special, that warrants me to feel this comfortable, everlasting happiness that comes out of nowhere.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view a dependable person, reliable person as like my saving grace, as like my one true joy or desire, that that will fulfill me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make a dependable, reliable person that shows up in my life consistently, to be like my heaven and the thing I fear losing most.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to change who I am , and going into positive and negative energy, when seeing a person as now someone reliable/dependable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not question the energy of comfort, relax, satisfaction as positivity any sooner.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to indulge and naturally float to positive energy and consider it natural.

I realize I have been having a similar relationship to trees in particular since I have for a long time been calling trees as dependable and an example of being dependable. I realize I have made trees my friends, in the sense and context describe in this blog, where I have been retreating myself to the trees and into positive energies as comfort/satisfaction, and thus limiting myself. I have been limiting myself by not putting myself out there with people, and only staying within this particular situation I have sequestered myself to. I realize that its not healthy, and this is not the true form of trees. I realize too that I was traumatized, and have been staying and repeating in this same trauma for a very long time. I realize now I understand my trauma and how I have been repeating it, so I can let go now and stop.

posted below is a eqafe interview that I see is relevant. Also, an announcement that now there is Eqafe Unlimited for one small monthly payment get All of Eqafe available to you. Plus there is online streaming now as well!!!!




I am going to be focused on my living now. Who I am, and changing myself in the moment to not allow or accept this energies within me, positive or negative, and let go of the trauma/pattern of the past as memory, and start living a new, as me, as my expression and openeness and being here living in the moment and interacting fully here.

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