Monday, December 23, 2019

Day 778 I accept my Brokenness

I accept my Brokenness, and "the Brokenness" itself as it exists in reality, so whether its the Brokenness in other people or things or myself, I accept it.

So what I am saying is that I accept my darkside, my shitty side, my fucked up side and all of that of other people too.

Because yes I was rejecting the fucked up darkside of other people and rejecting them, which was my mistake to do so. I did reject people for being Bullies, for being spiteful, or betraying me or whatever you want to call it. I notice that I hate even describing what they did and rather not even look at it, which is also a mistake and my responsibility. So I am accepting their darksides and the darksides of everyone.

I don't let this fuckedupness define me, nor define them. This isn't all that they are, nor who I am.We are much more and we have the potential for such much more.

So I call on everyone to forgive themselves for their darkside and fuckedupness. I encourage everyone to apply self-forgiveness and to change. I tell you that you can forgive yourself, and you can change. I tell you right now that you have the power to be and become so much more and you don't have to continue to be how you are and stay in this darkness.

I choose to be supportive, and so be a reminder to all including myself of how to change, and that we can change and step out of this, or any level of fucked up shit.

I choose to call, I choose to call out your goodness, potential, or whatever you want to call it. I choose to defy the unpreparedness, the unplannedness and spontaneity of it. I choose to be blind in the face of doing, yet with pure intention all that I have. So I will DO and continuing doing it, with goodwill and good intents and THAT I can promise and commit to do.

Relationships are hard when you really do care and really do put yourself out there, and then if your rejected and judged as bad, when you held that person with such a high degree of care, kindness, love and respect. I do just want to give up when I face such things. And I do have a broken heart when this happens. And I want to express this and have everyone hear it. I don't want to hide it. I don't want to suppress it. I don't want to be told I'm wrong or to be quiet about it. This is what I have went through, this is my experience of myself, and its worthy of recognizing, because all people are worthy of recognition and support, and our relationships with each other are real or have that potential to be real.

I mean, do you know what its like KNOWING how someone else is going to respond, seeing how they are going to react and fucking hate you for SAYING what it is that you KNOW they need to hear. And fucking doing it, with composure, without breaking. Because I do break. Because I have been used to people responding well, or I guess I have been used to not reaching out or speaking up or actually NOT CARING about the other person, like I how I am caring about people. FUCK, I hate it.

I hate giving a damn, I hate seeing someone I care about suffer. I hate seeing someone and knowing I need to say something yet knowing they are going to not listen, yet I STILL have to say something. I have to. Because that is what Growing up means, that is what Being the Best Self, and Being Real in this reality, that is what it means to give a DAMN. To give a damn about others and to actually invest in people, in relationships, and still have a Heart to GIVE and to LIVE that's fucking Real and Tender and Here.

I feel scared. I feel scared of caring, of expressing that care, and have that just be completely thrown at me in their reaction of hate/anger. Why do people have to be so split that I have been a person's great side and potential, and yet they have their split where they have their darkness/hate for what I am offering and representing.

Being Real in this world requires great Courage. And I didn't have that courage before, and so I just gave up. I'm ready to have more courage than before. I am ready to be ready, even though I'm not ready.

I choose to remember all of the great people who have come before me, and to remember them and keep them alive in me, and keep the good of all the people I have met. Cause I do forget, unless I have actually taken them and lived the points already through and through. Until then, I will steal from everyone the greatest treasures they can offer, so I may be greater than before. That includes being a collection of all of the best and potential of all of us.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being rejected when I am open and caring and supportive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate walking into a situation in an attempt to support someone, knowing that they will most likely just reject it out right.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear caring for someone who is possessed and in a deep point in their mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being vulnerable and caring for others and exposed while I reach out to them to help them while they are at the a point of rejecting all support.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear investing in people and being real with them because I fear that moment where a person splits and goes into their darkness and rejection of what is real and what I represent and stand as.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to live in this reality where the reality is that people can hurt you, they can betray you, and can react and change in an instant and reveal their suppressed history, their suppressed selves, and the darkness they hold within.

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