Day 780 My Friend

When I had my First Friend, I was around 7 years old. I remember that being the first time that its like I decided, or knew that this person here is my Friend. This was the first time, and it was very clear and strong that I felt this way and became this way. So this programming was here and established. And it was very specific, because I went over his house for one day and that is where I decided that point. And so after that day I never saw him again. Because my mom told me that he had moved away to the UK.

It was sudden. The news was sudden. And I never said goodbye or saw him again.

I was shocked and surprised. Devastated really. And it became a point of where I was right at the point of where I could express myself with a Friend, and have all of those expressions and points come through and it was all just immediately shut down and taken away from me.

It was like losing my Friend and being powerless about it. I didn't have any say about it. I couldn't stop it. It was simply happening to me, I was a victim and powerless.

And that one point defined me. It defined all of my future friendships and relationships with all people. I was traumatized and I was scared of being myself again, being a Friend to all.

And I experienced the same thing this year. The promise of Friendship and all of it just being slapped away in an instant without warning, without reason, and me perceiving it as simply being powerless and out of my control and out of my ability to stop it or change. BAM, I lost a friend. And it was devastating.

But now I understand finally why this is this way, and why I felt this way. Its a programming. It is an emotion. It is me.

Because I know the true potential and expression of Life is to be a Friend to ALL, and express those qualities and expressions with everyone in every moment, at least potentially.

 So I do miss my friend, but I also miss who I was or am while I was with my Friend. I miss qualities and expressions of myself. I enjoy being a Friend.

Happy New Year 2020