“…simply make things better for someone else, as if I were to be born again, and that someone else, and it doesn't have to be me, but it could be someone like me, that they would have a better life than I had, that everyone was better. There is something seriously wrong with everyone, and that is something I observed when I was very young. We are the problem, and we need to become better, because we are fucking everything up.”
“So this is who I am. There is something seriously wrong with everyone and we need to fix it, if not for us, then for the future generations."
"Everything I have done in this life, and everything I will do, is for this purpose.”

Thursday, January 15, 2015

Knight in Shining Armor 236





Knight in Shining Armor

So the knight in shining armor is a fairy tale archetype, originating from Medieval Europe. It also relates to the widespread framework for stories involving a male character that saves a female character, and they both fall in love. Within me, I notice such a point, operating on an automatic and feeling level. This feeling reaction I would call feel warm and feeling love. I notice too that there is a connection to pornography, which is another form of story telling, but involving sex. Within pornography, believe or not, is the same feeling of warmth and love, in relation to the female character wishing/desiring/wanting sex. In comparison to the archetypal fairy tale story, the female character wished, wants, and desires to be saved. Within these specific words, and situations, there are images within me, which are energetically charged with the same point.

Throughout my life I spent a great deal of time, especially teenage years, thinking about girls, and specific girl crushes. To be specific, it didn't involve masturbation, but it involved the same mechanics, which was thinking, and indulging within the feelings. And there were imaginations which were like the Knight and Shining armor situation. So I really did play with and used my imagination to project my desires into my mind, to in a way live it in my mind, and having some form of temporary satisfaction. When I look at such thoughts I had, they really were quite bizarre. And this was my secret that I kept. In a way I would say that my life literally felt like a story, where I literally felt just like a character in a story. I experienced my day through my emotions, feelings, and so illusions.

I would say it would be accurate to say that I was addicted to my illusion, and that was my daily experience. I would be in my mind, in memories, and fantasies, and projections into the future. I made myself to be the hero and the victim. I created self-pity, and made myself the good guy so I felt good about myself. So I played a tragedy, but also a hero's story. I remember this happening in middle school, and into highschool, for several years. The content of the story changed as I graduated high school and went to college, but it was still the same, it just evolved and progressed. I can remember as far back as elementary school, and early childhood experiences, where I started gathering memories for my story of tragedy.

Love, by my love I mean the feeling of love and warmth, is what I desired in my story. It was the center piece of my focus/attention in creating my story. And it was projected outside of me, into someone else, as the source of origin. That was why I had created the story of the knight in shining armor, so I would have a way of earning it, so in a way making it practical or real, within the illusion. And if I take this a step further I see that I also projected this feeling of love and warmth within and into sex with a person, to also make it real/practical, within the illusion. What is interesting within all of this is that I had created and defined love, what it means in physical reality, before I went out and manifested it. So do you understand? I actually created my life experiences based on the decisions and acts of creations within my mind, and my definitions and ascriptions for love, using feelings, and the creative power of the mind. If I would have defined it differently, then it would have been different, and the things that activated that love would have been different. So knowing this now, it would be kind of crazy to pretend that my self-created illusions of what love is, is real, worthwhile or valid, and neither are my experiences or desires for that, because how can I desire my own self-created limited illusion definition? And spent time trying to attain that? You know?

Its like the same as creating a game, like chess, where you make the rules and limits, and you try to achieve victory within the game, your whole life, where you spend all your time on that. When really you could just as easily define victory here, already. We are the ones that set the limits and boundaries for ourselves, no one else does. And to desire for a limitation that you set for yourself, that you can already in this moment give to yourself, yet not give it to yourself, and so spend time and effort in somehow earning it according to your set rules/boundaries.... well that's what we're doing. It's like we have forgotten that we are the ones creating our experiences, and the rules of what we feel and how we feel, and when we feel it. We have forgotten that. And this forgotten is a separation and has manifested in many forms in how we live daily, what we desire, wish, and hope to achieve, which really boils down to a feeling, like for me with love. Because if we desired practical things only, and not the energy at all, that would make much more sense. It doesn't make sense to desire a feeling, because it is already a part of you here. Feelings are our creation, we have forgotten that.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire my creation as feeling as love, and to define that in separation as a woman/lady/female/girl that I would save and that would love me, and so within that have created an illusions/story wherein I believe such an end result/desire could be manifested and real by being a knight in Shining Armor and saving as a person, and that would lead to falling in love and forming a relationship, and so sex as well, and so defining then as well a life long marriage or partnerships in the hopes that we would forever be together and connected, so that I can feel secure and connected to my feeling experience that is myself that I called love.

When and as I see myself connecting to or accessing this energy that is me, that is a feeling of love, that is manifested in separation of me - I stop and I breathe- I realize that defining me, my experience of myself according to a story/illusion that I must act and play out, in order to generate this energy as this feeling called love, is ludicrous, since it is not living, but enslavement, and is also not loving myself in fact, as a care, honor, recognition of myself, and value that I have as life, and it is at the same time a waste of my potential as a life form/being in what I can do with my time and myself.

I commit myself to stick to moving me in real time in this moment and creating my life and this reality, and so follow through my self-forgiveness statement and truly let go of following fantasies and desires that involve investing time and effort in generating an energy experience.

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