“…simply make things better for someone else, as if I were to be born again, and that someone else, and it doesn't have to be me, but it could be someone like me, that they would have a better life than I had, that everyone was better. There is something seriously wrong with everyone, and that is something I observed when I was very young. We are the problem, and we need to become better, because we are fucking everything up.”
“So this is who I am. There is something seriously wrong with everyone and we need to fix it, if not for us, then for the future generations."
"Everything I have done in this life, and everything I will do, is for this purpose.”

Saturday, January 3, 2015

All about the Positive. Making things Practical 224

What is Actual Happiness?

So I had the opportunity/gift to be in a complete mind/energetic state for several hours. And it did start from the Positive and go into the negative. I say this is a gift because I needed cross-reference and understanding that this was indeed positive feelings, which I was unsure about. I took this entire event and wrote it out, with the detail and specificity where I am confident that future such moments of positivity of any kind, including small moments, won't occur, because I will identify them for what they are, remember this pattern I wrote out, and stop them in the moment, which I have already started to do after having done my writing.

So today, this moment, it will be about the Positive!

Let me say first that to all new readers, note that the skills/tools I am applying were developed through Desteni and the Desteni Courses, which if you're interested in applying such points for yourself, sign up for the DIP Lite course at lite.desteniiprocess.com which is free of charge.

So why did I write this point out if I was possessed? So the first thing I did was question whether what I felt was energy, was a possession. That question allowed me to find out, investigate by writing it out and discovering what is going on. So I wrote out a timeline of events that occurred. So I focused on all moments of emotional and feeling experiences, and wrote those moments down. I described especially what was it about that moment, the people, what they were doing, that I was reacting to. I will place a small excerpt, and after be explaining what I found:

Excerpt

Supermarket
-Fergie Song-Big girls don’t cry happy- anticipating- hoping for a relationship – hope for the future 
-Girl Employee in Aisle looking at me- happy- exciting- anticipating and hoping for a connection.
-Lady at Cash Register Speaking to me- happy/content for recognition

So what I found was quite interesting. This overall pattern linked to a specific moment in my life that occurred over 2 weeks. I was visiting my grandmother who lived elsewhere for 2 weeks, and I met this person, this girl my age, and she showed interested and curiosity in me. Long Story short, I perceived in as flirting and I was very drawn to that. Things didn't work out, and for about 2 weeks, I was in a sad, depressed, mulling state.

So specific moments in the present time triggered this memory. They included how the people were acting. People were calm, walking around the streets, like an idyllic small town, and were kind and friendly. So all these various, almost random appearing points, where actually associated to this girl, based on my own memories and associations.

So for many hours I felt positive and happy, and only later on did I feel the opposite. What was interesting is that how I felt I could exactly relate to how I felt during those two weeks of sobbing/mopping. It was exactly the same.

I am confident my self-forgiveness will show the extent of my programming, because for me to share the whole story would be pointless, or useless for the reader, though it is valuable for me personally.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish for and desire an idyllic fantasy to be my reality, where I live in a small town, meaning that everyone knows one another and is kind, and there are a few people, and there are small town girls who are simple, and would honor and respect me, and consider me as valuable, and so allowing the potential for a marriage for me and one of these girls.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing wish, desire and need to be married to a girl that honors me, respects me, wants me, and sees me as valuable, where if I didn’t have that or if I were to lose that opportunity I would be sad and distraught over losing such an opportunity, and I would wish that I could do anything to get that opportunity back.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not honor, respect, and value me, myself, and find pleasure and desire within someone else honoring, respecting and valuing me, as if that pleasure, excitement thrill  and happiness as what I feel is the same as honor, respect or value.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define these words: honor, respect, and value, to have their meaning/definition to in anyway be substantiated at all within feeling happy, content, excited, thrilled, or any other positive feeling experience.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cry, feel sad about, miss, remorse, be distraught, or any other negative emotional or physical response in relation to losing a positive feeling experience that had been associated to some physical situation/context, because that really is insanity, and self-destructive, and self-diminishing.

When and as I see myself meeting someone for the first time, and feeling hopeful, excited, thrilled or anticipating, I stop and I breathe- I realize that my value, honor and respect, and so myself, is not defined by what I feel while with certain people, and that it is not valuable, honorable or respectful towards myself to allow myself to seek, want and desire to feel happy, excited, thrilled, and anticipating, both because they don’t reflect a real meaning of value, honor and respect, but also because I will feel distraught, sad, and cry when I have entered into feeling happy, excited thrilled, and anticipating, and have lost them because they had been defined according to my circumstance which were these people, persons, girls/women, and how they were treating me or behaving around me, which had to be giving me attention, and how I defined value, honor, and respect, as looking for me and wanting to spend more time with me, and so in essence, wanting/desiring me or my presence, similar to or equal to the desire/want/need I had for these positive experience, and thus this desire/want of being desired/wanted by these people.
And thus, I commit myself to treat people with honor, kindness, respect, and consideration, just like how I would want to be treated. And If I find someone who is desiring or wanting to be desired/wanted, to assist and support them by not feeding into their desire/want, and so showing no sign/indication of desiring/wanting them, to spend time with them, or to give them attention etc… And to in later moments when they are out of possession, to introduce to them what I have found about myself, to assist and support them

 So what have I learned and how will I be changing? So for those not familiar with self-forgiveness, I will be doing what I have already said in both self-forgiveness and self-correction, and self-commitment. To no more allow these positive points. And generally I am extending these to all positive points, and using this writing as a reminder, especially when I am unsure- because one thing that I see as a pattern is that positive energy indicates one thing, the desire for energy. And that is unacceptable because of what energy is.  
One interesting dimension is how this very point of Positivity, has to do with Self-worth, as was written in my self-correction. Positivity is the externalization of self-worth, where self-worth is defined as energy. So Positivity has been my scape goat for abusing self-worth by giving it an abusive definition or value, and thus giving myself an abusive definition and value. Exactly how the Negative polarity was shown to do in my recent blogs of the past weeks. 
For me personally this is a significant milestone because I already have seen me readily identifying positive experiences and linking them to their triggers and stopping them in a moment, after having written out this pattern with the correction. So may this continue and let this be so that no Positive point escapes my grasp. 

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