“…simply make things better for someone else, as if I were to be born again, and that someone else, and it doesn't have to be me, but it could be someone like me, that they would have a better life than I had, that everyone was better. There is something seriously wrong with everyone, and that is something I observed when I was very young. We are the problem, and we need to become better, because we are fucking everything up.”
“So this is who I am. There is something seriously wrong with everyone and we need to fix it, if not for us, then for the future generations."
"Everything I have done in this life, and everything I will do, is for this purpose.”

Saturday, April 20, 2013

day78- I am evil

I have been having some internal conflict. I had expectations that the Desteni group would be very focused in on process. Absolutely dedicated, where each moment they live self-forgiveness, that they are trying very hard to be here in every breath, yet being easy on themselves, because it is not a force pressure or a contest, because your dealing with yourself here. If you are harsh within stopping the mind, you are harsh with yourself, which creates conflict. Instead you can be direct and clear with yourself, and simply be firm on your decision and stance of who you are. Obviously we can all be much more effective. Its not like the Desteni group is a select breed of humans, they are ordinary people who are consciously facing the consequences that we all as humanity have accepted and allowed to be perpetrated on Life as ourselves, i.e. humans, plants, animals, and the existence. I was worried of being an ego for saying this. However, I have made the decision to disregard that which ignores physical reality. So fear for instance disregards physical reality. So fear must stop. Fear that is physical that supports the physical would be acceptable. But it must be supportive for the physical. There is no point in including something that is destructive of the physical. Yet I recognize that destruction can support what is best for all. So the guiding principle is to learn how physical reality operates and do what is best for all within that, using anything that achieves this.
So what I am seeing is wanting for others to change before I change. We each must take self-responsibility. This is my responsibility, no one else can take it. Within that I take the responsibility for creating myself absolutely. I will individually investigate what is best for all, absolutely. I will reason and think critically based on the rules of this physical reality. I will test myself in self-honesty in every way. No matter what consequences may arise. Consequences are a gift. This reality is a gift. The mind is even a gift. Everything is here can be used, and perhaps must be used in order to realize who we are, that we overcome every point of acceptance and allowance both negative and positive within us that has led to this reality of pain. So that we learn once and for all, and we ingrain this in our very being this process we have walked, this history so that we never again dare to question the value of life, wondering if there is something more, wondering if I can get more, if I can feel more than the others, if I can enslave others, get them under me, to control them, manipulate them... because WE are ALL that EXISTS. Remember this.... WE are ALL that EXISTS We will remember the con that we have participated in willingly that we dared to have called life as an inferior spec of existence that there were some special and separate individualized piece existence in this universe that was somehow worth more than All of existence. Time to let go and start anew. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be separate from my physical body and this moment, which is all that really exists: this moment; here is where I can plan, where I can understand reality, where I can understand myself, and get to know me, and meet me, and see who I am, and live, and express, and apply myself in various ways, and learn, grow and expand, as well as communicate, share... Also, here is where the mind is, and where the physical is, and my beingness- who I am as the being that is here aware. I recognize that no separation is needed. What is needed is understanding, listening, and learning the history of who I am, the history of who I have accepted and allowed myself to be, and how I have been creating this existence through acceptance and allowance. What I need is myself. I am the answer to my cries of help. I am the one who can correct the wrongs that I have been perpetuating. This firstly starts with being here, being aware of all that I am now.

When and as I see myself focusing on only one thing in my mind, I stop and I breathe- I realize that the physical reality is what is real and that to ignore this would be a vital mistake that I will regret. I realize that this physical reality is a gift, and that the mind only reflects who I am, that to fear the mind would be to fear myself. I realize that there is no use in crying or complaining. I must pick myself up and march towards the shit that has been accumulating slowly over time. I realize the process of clearing myself will probably take time- I also realize that as long as I always focus on living here and applying here, that time won't matter from a certain perspective, because I can only work with this moment here- I also realize that I must respect and make use of time as how I perceive it in days, weeks, months and years, so I can be effective in being consistent in how much I accomplish in a week or day, and also plan for the future. 

I commit myself to focus on the physical reality, and make this my starting point when engaging in any activity that may involve using the mind in some way, e.g. remembering places or events, making predictions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not effectively planning my future.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can only live in the moment with no regard with planning for future opportunities and setting goals.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the future, because I am in fact fearing myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see the future as separate from me.
I forgive myself for accepting adn allowing myself to make excuses for why I cannot plan for my future.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not work with the future because I believed it would require using the mind and I did not want to participate in the mind.

When and as I see myself requiring to plan for the future to some capacity- I stop and I breathe- I realize that planning does not have to require energy, nor energy patterns, nor though patterns, nor automatic thinking or backchat. I realize I can move and direct myself to plan as myself in awareness.

I commit myself to direct myself to plan when I planning would be supportive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not write the words "in awareness" because i believed this was indicative of mind possession of a new-ager, that it would completely invalidate anything I said.

From this last SF, is a point of appearance.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to present a picture that is a false picture of who I really am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be self-dishonest (which is being dishonest to myself) in blogging, communication, writing, sharing, talking, speaking, using the written or spoken word in any way whatsoever.  


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid writing self-honest self-forgiveness because i believed that I was self-dishonest because I only felt good with writing self-forgiveness without changing, completely ignoring my history of change with self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow regret to overcome me, and direct me into trying to change myself instantly, without real investigation into this point of regret to find the practical solution for this particular context where regret was manifesting.

I had borrowed the car from my father to go to the Dentist. He said i was ok. I went to pick up the keys at his home. He was sleeping and his dog greeted me. I later returned from the dentist. I went to put the keys back in his home. His dog greeted me again. I placed the keys back and quickly left. I went to my mom's house. I wanted to play a video game on my dad's tv. So I went. I told myself it was ok because I was practicing being here, and directing myself during the game. I did not notice the dog anywhere. In fact, when I first came to the house, i went the back way. I frantically turned the game on, trying to make the most of my time. I was very focused. Later my cousin came. I noticed I reacted to him coming. I did not want to play with him. I did not like his personality, it seems fake, like he is all positive now, but it seems fake. Later my cousin left. And soon after, the neighbor from next door came over. She said that my dad's dog got in her car, and she had unknowingly closed the door via an electronic button on her set of keys. She had been busying gardening. My dad's dog, always wanted attention. He was often left home alone. I would sometimes come over to play with him. Though I also could not take responsibility for caring for him for the whole day. There was a problem with the gate, which I told my father to fix. He said that he would do it. I reminded him again. I felt responsible for his death, and I blamed myself for not being more aware. I blamed myself for beign possessed by the video games. I completely ignored physical practicality. We can all die at any time. The physical death is surely unfortunate, though it is not the end of the world. The real death is what happens inside of us, the death of ourselves as life. I wanted to change instantly. I felt I had to. I felt I had no choice, otherwise who knows what more death or failures I would allow to happen. I did already have a savior complex which I was aware of, though was not resolved on account of not sure what is me, who am I that cares for life? I realize something about the savior complex, it involves ignoring physical reality, such as ignoring yourself here, and only focusing on others. We have to for a moment, focus on self here, and in another moment, focus on another. Though we always have to start with self, and check whether what we are participating is supporting what is best for all in all ways.
I also remember blaming my memory afterwards. My mom told me why I did not remember or realize that the dog was not there since he always greets whoever comes up. I thought I was losing my memory.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame video games for the dog's death.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame memory for the dog's death.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of standing as the principle of what is best for all in all ways, and what self-honesty I have realized within being here and playing a video game as myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allwoing myself to beleive that stopping playign video games is a solution to possessions, it is not, because we have to change who we are within what we do, since nothing in this existence is inherently, evil, we humans live evil as a separation from this physical existence in equality and oneness with all that is here, which includes, among everything, video games and death.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take responsibility for his death, and use his death as an excuse to try and immediately correct myself in every way possible, even if that meant it would lead to my destruction.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see everything that I am as evil, and must be stopped, including playing video games.
The physical is here. Even if humanity wipes itself out, all that would be lost would be an opportunity. Even if that were to happen, it does not have to define me. Death does not have to define me. My past does not have to define me. I can define me, through who I decide to be in this moment, as I have been doing every moment in my life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing fear-mongering within me, as the words "you are evil" or "I am evil."
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the backchat "I am evil" within and as me.

When and as I am feeling hateful while thinking I am evil, I stop and I breathe- I realize there is no such thing as evil, all there is are humans who are acting from a point of self-interest which makes sense because no one has really stood as a support for them to realize who they really are, as life.

I commit myself to be a support for everyone, including me, by standing as life.


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