day81- Oh my God! @#$%

So one thing I have been participating in, is energy in my words, and specifically negativity. I play myself out in a negative way.

How I feel right now is tons of energy. Now, one reason why I am not stopping is because I seem to be addicted to talking about myself to others. And I perceive writing right now as if I am talking about myself. So this is the primary point, writing and generating energy within writing about myself. And so I am not stopping the energy.

SO I remember as a child, I would share myself with my mother. And when I would share a realization to her, I notice I would immediately forget what I had realized and sometimes I would actually do the opposite of what I realized not to do.

The nature of the realization was to better myself. To acquire some perspective or knowledge that was making me more aware. Yet within sharing it I became less aware. I notice I would feel great within sharing. I see now a connection with the thought pattern  of wanting to learn and improve even if it means I forget everything and start from scratch because I enjoyed the learning process and the growing process. So learning, growing, becoming more is attached with energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when I shared with my mother I would immediately forget about what I shared with her, as a realization.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to generate energy when I shared with my mother a realization. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to generate energy when I share a realization, because I was perceiving myself as becoming more or greater.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget about the realization, because I wanted to generate energy through the process of sharing my greatness as knowledge, again.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach learning to energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach becoming more with energy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach growing with more energy.

SO looking at my first paragraph, now that the energy has died down, I am willing to see, to admit, that something more sinister is at play in me. I am seeing my program of avoiding writing, avoiding JTL daily writing. I see that this overriding energy, as an emergency attempt by the mind, by me, to not go any further, to stop in process, to become unaware, dumbed-down, and just completely reactive to everything. To not make any decisions again. To be a good servant to and never speak again.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow energies within me, positive, neutral, and negative, to determine what I do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stand within the absolute point of being the one who determines what I do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing thoughts, memories, imagination, backchat to determine what I do.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that everything that my conscious mind consists of is thoughts, memories, imagination, backchat, and positive, neutral, and negative energies, that I can easily identify what is the conscious mind, and whether the conscious mind is directing me because one of these expressions of the mind is here and I was not here, I can see how it is determining what I am doing.

When and as I see myself participating in the mind- I stop and I breathe- I direct me, and I learn about my experiences, and I apply myself within awareness, the process of stopping and growing - I realize the ability to stop and say no is an essential ability for everyone to be effective in whatever they do- I realize I fell for temptation within the temptation of never having to say no again- i realize I used others, and within that abusing them, to serve as an excuse to give up my stance of developing inhibition or the ability to say no and change- I realize that no matter what anyone says, or how bad things get, that I am the one that determines whether I stand as what is best for all, as someone that can say no to any participation and uses this power to create himself into a perfect being, as in the human physical form, perfect as defined by reality not consciousness.

I commit myself to apply myself in every moment in physical 3D space and time, in the way that is best for all.  

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge absolute power as evil.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge God to be evil, instead of seeing that god chose to be evil, but god is still god, and so can still choose to be good, as defined by reality.     

I commit myself to create a world that is best for all, including of course me, which would be a life that I would have wanted for myself, one free from energies, and enslavement, and full of expansion, growth, expression, love and care in the physical senses of the words.

I commit myself to give myself the life I always wanted, the life that should have been, but wasn't.