I do not care about what others think of me day71
I am very confused. I do not like
what I am feeling, or what I am participating in. But I am doing it anyway.
Why?
I feel like there is something
inherently wrong with me. That I cannot do anything.
I question whether I am just
playing the victim.
Am I?
Why would I accept and allow this,
why would I accept and allow such a hell for myself?
There is something that I believed
I could not do on my own- and I asked the mind for help. Now within
participating with a group I am living this statement, however I have always
existed in a group, everyone does; we all effect each other in every moment.
I feel like I may just be ranting
to get attention. Is this true?
Do I just want attention from
people, where I generate energy from attention and feel good? Within me I am
feeling a response- energy building up and it feels pleasant- so I interpret
this as a clear Yes.
SO what now?
SO obviously if I just run away,
and If I were to come back I would still have the same reaction. I choose to
stay, and I choose to forgive and end the reaction, and then really live and
live my words.
I remember my grandma saying that I
shaved my head just to get attention. I reacted to this possibility and I
though t I was evil for shaving my head just to get attention. I felt
conflicted because I did shave my head to get attention for the EMC, however,
within writing this out I see I was not getting attention for myself but for
EMC. So I made a big deal about getting attention for no reason.
I also had questioned my ex-girlfriend
the night we broke up to get a reason about why she wanted to break up- so that
if it were some real evil shit- she would be able to at least see it- otherwise
she would continue in the same cycle with future relationship- I warned her of
this too, that unless she understood why this relationship did not work out-
then she would have to learn the hard way. I had judged what I was doing as a
possession of the mind, when clearly it was not so. So I also was making a big
deal out of nothing.
Now I am wondering if I am lying
because I did not look deeper into the night that I broke up with my girlfriend
to remember my exact words that I told her. I realize however that what matters
for right now is the intent of what I was communicating. Yes there may be
different ways to communicate, however in honest truth if a person really wants
to listen to you, they will find a way, or ask a question for clarification,
any and all miscommunication between couples where they fight and stuff is
because of the mind- they themselves- wanting to be the victorious, the winner,
the ego! Time to take energy out of competition. The real winner would be the
one that makes sure everyone wins equally.
This last statement reminds me of
when I was playing pool last night with my friend and how in the second game we
played, where I won the first game, I had the opportunity to get a significant
advantage, instead of just trying to go for the win, I chose the shot that
would evenly distribute the balls since they were in the middle. I later
thought that I was being an ego. And I became depressed and started doing
poorly in the game for not being here. At that point I started letting losing
the game effect me. I think what this shows for me, that anything, absolutely
positively anything that is not here
and not the honest truth is of the mind, will lead to possession. This truth
cannot be the truth of what is true as what is really how things are versus
what you perceive. It is the truth of self- what do you perceive, what do you
know, and nowwww what do you did with your situation and with what you know? If
you disregard yourself, which I have directly been experiencing for the past
months since September, you will be officially at war with yourself. You are
either with yourself or you are against yourself. So choose yourself. Choose the
truth that is you. This is what it really means to be Self-Honest. Learn about
everything, be open minded, face every situation both in your imagination and
in your reality, be practical, don’t be stupid, use commonsense, don’t betray
yourself because you think you might
be evil, go out and actually find out whether you are evil, with the most stringent
of tests possible, and be self-honest whether from what you know you can conclusively draw an infallible conclusion. Consider always,
how can I be wrong, and you will find the truth.
Now I was going to go ahead and
post this online. I thought that I was being lazy for not writing more and for
not writing SF. I see I feel excited within sharing this post online.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to feel excited when I am sharing myself with others online or
offline, instead of just sharing myself
unconditionally with another where the space and the opportunity is appropriate
to do so. I realize that I have held a “great” desire to speak and share myself
with others, for in my mind this was something I desired yet believed I was
deprived of the opportunity to do so, because I feared rejection, I feared
losing the opportunity to speak, so I did not speak.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to feel happy when I share myself in words with another,
instead of standing within the clarity of myself expressing what it is I am
directing myself to express directly with the being that is here with me.
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