day80- Difficulty of being yourself + self-forgiveness

Working with others can be very difficult. For me, I often become a different person than when I am alone. One thing that is easy for me to forget is that I am always alone with myself. I prefer to be this person always, because I am standing by myself always. I have not been myself for the last 9 months. I took myself to the metaphorical sacrificial altar to sacrifice myself in the name of the money system, in order to sell myself out, to "know who I am" according to a position in the system of money or education. I highly do not recommend sacrificing yourself. You lose everything and more. You become blind, deaf, and senseless all at once. To others you appear happy. Indeed, it is the only way to cope with the betrayal.It became a free-for-all for the systems of the mind. As I write this I am forgiving all the charges I see that I have placed on my words. So, one thing that has happened is that my words have received positive and/or negative charges. I have a tendency to say certain phrases because I am avoiding some words (negative) and I am attracted to using other words (positive). I suppose at some level I was treating this all like it was a bad dream that I would wake up from. It's very much real. I was waiting for some exterior force to swoop in to save me. I feel a pain when I am with myself. It is not physical, it is an inner feeling. Like I am uncomfortable in my own skin. Like I did something wrong. Like I regret something. Like I forgot something, and I am trying my best to not remember. There is a certain system I have accepted: best forgot about the past, it does not matter. Behind this system is a complacent position of acceptance. What do I accept myself as? Dumb, stupid, intelligent, inexperienced, undisciplined, weak, weak-willed, unable, incapable, worthless. What I am thinking now is about the term dumb-beast. What I am seeing now is the abuse we unleash on animals. And what I am seeing is me accepting this abuse, as everywhere where it exists. I will not stand for abuse from anyone, not even if they are my closest friend, not even if it is something I have a long history with, not even if it is something I respect, not even if it is someone I believe has power over me. Especially not someone who would claim to care for all life, yet they would abuse another. I became this person. I abused myself. I cannot accept and allow abuse from another or myself. No matter the circumstance.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing abuse from another.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing abuse from myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing abuse to another
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing abuse to myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I am not separate from others: how I treat myself, is how I treat others, and how I treat others is how I treat myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as dumb, and in so doing accepting all life as dumb.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see others as dumb
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as stupid, and in so doing accepting all life as stupid.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see others as stupid.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as unintelligent, and in so doing accepting all life as unintelligent.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see others as unintelligent.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as inexperienced, and in so doing accepting all life as inexperienced.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see others as inexperienced
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as  undisciplined, and in so doing accepting all life as undisciplined.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see others as undisciplined.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as weak, and in so doing accepting all life as weak.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see others as weak
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as  weak-willed, and in so doing accepting all life as weak-willed.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see others as weak-willed.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as unable, and in so doing accepting all life as unable
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see others as unable.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as  incapable, and in so doing accepting all life as incapable.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see others as incapable.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as worthless, and in so doing accepting all life as worthless.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see others as worthless.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself as how the animals are abused, and so implicitly accepting and allowing the same abuse that is done on the animals.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see the connection between animal abuse and what I am doing to myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see animals as less than me.
 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see animals as more than me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see others as less than me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see others as more than me.
 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not care enough about myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel nothing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to feel nothing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of feeling something.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore what I am feeling.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress what I am feeling.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of standing for what I see and understand as what is right for life as equals and as one.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create resistance and conflict to what is best for all. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive that what is best for all involves avoiding all conflict and resistance.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create resistance and conflict towards myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to create resistance and conflict.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek out resistance and conflict.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create consequence for myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that what is best for all is whatever the group decides.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that what is best for all is something objective and empirical.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that if I stand as everyone as equals, I am able to see what is best for all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that I do not decide what is best for all, I discover it, and then practically bring it into reality.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value the company of others more than myself standing as the principle of what is best for all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing others for standing as the principle of what is best for all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing people that say they stand for what is best for all, over my stand as the principle of what is best for all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear standing as the principle of what is best for all. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear standing as the principle of what is best for all, alone. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that if I stand as the principle of what is best for all, alone, then that means I am somehow wrong because no one agrees with me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I need confirmation from others in order to know whether I am actually standing as the principle of what is best for all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I can use the perspectives of others to gain perspective on what is best for all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that everyone must individually take responsibility to see what is best for all for themselves, so there are no masters and slaves, but individuals that use commonsense and are able to reason for themselves to reach conclusions that stand within what is best for all, as well as able to fine tune their conclusions as more information is uncovered about reality.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to control the thoughts and beliefs of other people, and so within doing I ended up controlling and manipulating myself into submission by the mind.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allwoing mysef to realize I can only take responsibility over what I can directly direct as myself- I cannot direct another- I can only provide information to them, which they can then use to direct themselves.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire more power than what I possess, which led to a frustration and addiction to energy of frustration, where I attempted to overcome my frustration, which led to more friction.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire a fictional idea of control over others, instead of the real practical control of applying my will within this one life, which I have been given. 
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to apply the principle of oneness and equality such that I cannot have more power over another than what they would have over me.

So I see clearly that the point is not to foster the mind in anyway whatsoever, not to fuel it or support it in anyway, but to truly support yourself to standup and take responsibility over the areas of your life that the mind has been directing. That includes seeing for yourself what is right and what is wrong, which is the very definition of self-honesty. And of course, living it, and actually doing it.