Day 859 Working/my job

 On my phone with the shipt app open:

an offered order pops up. I am reading it's details. I have thoughts: of my mom saying Yogan you have to take what you can get. Also thought of: the only thing that matters is making money. Which I feel stress while thinking this. Stress is like anxiety. My belly gets constricted, I feel this unpleasant experience in my belly. It's like I have to move quickly. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that the only thing that matters is making money.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to through thinking that "the only thing that matters is making money", thus accept the experience of stress and anxiety, for as long as I am making money, my experience of myself doesn't matter.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think: "I have to accept what I can get" 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilt within not accepting an offered order because I am thinking I have to accept what I can get, which is also a result of me judging myself for not following the thought. 

I feel stressed in sharing these self-forgiveness because I imagine people I know reading this and judging me and telling me I am wrong to say this correction. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel stressed in sharing my self-forgiveness because I imagine hearing people telling me I am wrong to say such words, how lucky i am to have a job/work, that I am privileged, that I am not grateful, that I am lazy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that people will read my above self-forgiveness and try to use those words against me, to try to get me to react. 

I feel anger and I believe I am righteous to yell at people who read my blogs and use my words against me. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am right to yell at people who read my blogs and use my words to try to get me to react.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel anger and speak from anger towards people I am judging as less than me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge people for their actions, for what they say or do.

I am here to assist and support everyone to reach their potential, and if I judge them then I am being a hindrance for them to reaching their potential. I accept the potential of people reading my blogs and trying to use it to get me to react. It actually is a way to test my self-honesty, and my standing. 

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New moment

I am looking at my phone and I have already accepted an order. I think "I have an order" and I feel stressed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a thought pop up within me that I have an order.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I have to accept rational thoughts otherwise I won't be able to know things or navigate the world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel stressed when I think "I have an order"

I am able to know things without thinking or having thoughts. I don't need thoughts speaking to me in order for me to know something and remember something or be aware of what is going on.

I am feeling an anger towards thoughts and wanting to argue against thoughts.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel anger at thoughts, to blame thoughts, to judge my thoughts and thinking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to argue against thoughts.

Thoughts are me. It is just that we don't need thoughts, and thoughts are existing in separation of me. So I am ending this part of me, which is thoughts, as me. Which this ending/stopping can only occur moment to moment, so it doesn't happen immediately in one moment forever. 

 

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New moment

I look within myself at the time I had previously saw was a good time to leave, and had the thought "I have to leave now!" while feeling stress

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I have to leave now!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel stress with thinking this thought.

It is odd how the thought was saying I have to leave now, when now is not even the time. But I can see how it relates to me past moments and memories, where I acted this way with others. Whether when it was a time of childhood where I wanted my parents to leave now with me so that we can leave a place, or in my working time as an adult where I am with others and telling them we have to leave now or having that energy of wanting them to leave now to get to some project or work that needs to be done.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to rush my parents as a child in trying to force them to leave now, because of what I felt within me which included feeling bored, tired, annoyed, irritated.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to secretly rush my coworkers through an energy and presence of stress, within a justification that this is to complete the job/work, and that this is what my bosses and superiors do to us as well.

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New moment

I am back from working today, it is night time now. I have the thought: I don't want to live. I interpret this as a way to avoid writing right now, and doing any work. I have this feeling of wanting to have fun and forget about my day. I remember I did feel stress in the day. I also remembering feeling motivated/excited in making money. And that making money is intoxicating. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel excited by making money.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire the energy I feel when I make money.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel high with making money.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself ot feel motivated by making money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to do anything that doesn't involve feeling good.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to feel motivated by what makes me feel good.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowign myself to believe I deserve to make myself feel good after working.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel good as energy when thinking about making money.

I know that after this, writing this, I want to just feel good. I want to just forget. I think it is because of the hours of working where I did make money. It's like the high is still here. 

I am trying to breathe and stopping this high.