Day 61 Desperate Desire
It really is a cool alliteration. Desperate Desire, De De,
I'm using it to describe something within me. I had already described Desperation as a key word, along with anxious and nervous. I had a memory where I was pulling on my parents arm, telling her to go, that I wanted to go! I was like cmon! cmon! cmon! lets gooooo!!!! already!!!! CMON!!!! The emotional state that I was in was Desperate.
Looking at my current moment. I desperately want something. I desperately want this, and so desperate desire then. This is in relation to a person. Where I want to be with this person. At the same time I can draw a contrast here to perfectly illustrate the reality of desperate desire as emotion.
In contrast to desperate desire, what I want as having a family, having kids, having a partner that I can share such a deep intimate connection with that we would be connected simply by our words hundreds of million miles away from each other, that I can see their soul, that they bear their soul onto me, all of their secrets, all of the evil and bad they have lived, all of the mistakes they have made, all the wrong and bad things, as well as the good obviously, its just that people are afraid of their own shameful stuff which is why I emphasize that first. Anyway, you get the idea, real intimacy, real openness, unabashed, unafraid, comfortable, and more than willing. What I want as these words are not a desperate desire.
In contrast, desperate desire is an irrational, illogical, want and need of a person for no reason at all. Its an energy field that comes up in me. It's an obsession, a possession, a take over of my feelings. A Coup. It exists out of habit, out of personality that I lived in childhood. And I applied it within women/girls I liked, with my crushes. And it is a such an overwhelming and painful experience. The stress of it, the anxiety, the nervousness is intolerable. It's so chaotic. This Desperate Desire.
Why do you exist? Why should you? Desperate Desire? It's no fun.
Just an addiction to intensity. Addiction to the intensity of anger, sadness, of energy, any energy.
No more!!!!
I can't get what I really want as long as I accept and allow this energy addiction, this allowance of desperate desire.
Let all energy die. I kill it.
No more.
Just me, living here, in physical reality, in physical body, creating real physical relationships and moments shared with real physical people. The era of energy is over. A new life has begun.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing desperate energy within me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing desperate desire within and as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live life through the intensity of emotion and energy, as addiction and habit and personality.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let this painful experience of desperate desire exists for anymore.
I'm using it to describe something within me. I had already described Desperation as a key word, along with anxious and nervous. I had a memory where I was pulling on my parents arm, telling her to go, that I wanted to go! I was like cmon! cmon! cmon! lets gooooo!!!! already!!!! CMON!!!! The emotional state that I was in was Desperate.
Looking at my current moment. I desperately want something. I desperately want this, and so desperate desire then. This is in relation to a person. Where I want to be with this person. At the same time I can draw a contrast here to perfectly illustrate the reality of desperate desire as emotion.
In contrast to desperate desire, what I want as having a family, having kids, having a partner that I can share such a deep intimate connection with that we would be connected simply by our words hundreds of million miles away from each other, that I can see their soul, that they bear their soul onto me, all of their secrets, all of the evil and bad they have lived, all of the mistakes they have made, all the wrong and bad things, as well as the good obviously, its just that people are afraid of their own shameful stuff which is why I emphasize that first. Anyway, you get the idea, real intimacy, real openness, unabashed, unafraid, comfortable, and more than willing. What I want as these words are not a desperate desire.
In contrast, desperate desire is an irrational, illogical, want and need of a person for no reason at all. Its an energy field that comes up in me. It's an obsession, a possession, a take over of my feelings. A Coup. It exists out of habit, out of personality that I lived in childhood. And I applied it within women/girls I liked, with my crushes. And it is a such an overwhelming and painful experience. The stress of it, the anxiety, the nervousness is intolerable. It's so chaotic. This Desperate Desire.
Why do you exist? Why should you? Desperate Desire? It's no fun.
Just an addiction to intensity. Addiction to the intensity of anger, sadness, of energy, any energy.
No more!!!!
I can't get what I really want as long as I accept and allow this energy addiction, this allowance of desperate desire.
Let all energy die. I kill it.
No more.
Just me, living here, in physical reality, in physical body, creating real physical relationships and moments shared with real physical people. The era of energy is over. A new life has begun.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing desperate energy within me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing desperate desire within and as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live life through the intensity of emotion and energy, as addiction and habit and personality.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let this painful experience of desperate desire exists for anymore.
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