Day 934 Darkness within

 I remember a blog i wrote like about 3 years ago. It was about how life is pain. Or how much pain there is in being alive. And its true that even moving around and in physically doing things, there is pain.
And something I remember about how those who never had to suffer much in life won't be able to make it in process. Since this process of becoming life in the physical involves facing so much in the mind and in reality, well the entirety of the mind and reality. To face all of that is tough. 

So what I am seeing now is that I need to embrace the darkness, the pain, the brutality of the mind. To allow myself to feel it and remain here. Because I see myself as not having that difficult or painful life. I wasn't abused. I was treated fairly kind and nice by most people. And I was sensitive to the slightest disturbance. And I can see that others had a more difficult life experience. 

But just because I didn't go through that, and got tough from it, doesn't mean I cant do something about it now. To toughen up. To turn this weakness of not being able to handle pain and suffering, into a strength or high capacity, or ultimate ability to face any amount of pain and suffering. I see it as simply a decision and embrace within me. A decision that says: I will face and feel any pain and I will remain. I will feel it all, and I won't change because of it. I will push for the things needed, I will do what is right/best for all. 

I have gotten through the tough times so far by having a high self-esteem from walking according to principle. Knowing that I walked what is best for all, gave me that high sense of self. But that doesn't prevent or eliminate the pain. The pain of rejection, of insults, of attacks, of disrespect. They aren't polarities. They exist simultaneously on different levels. I can feel these pains and have a high self-esteem. 

So I am going to turn this weakness of low tolerance for pain into a strength. I embrace it all here, in this moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reject the dark and seek the light.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to strive to be good, and avoid the bad. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to run away from pain of rejection. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the mind to use pain against me, by holding it as a threat, to keep me in check.