Day 939 We Deserve the Truth

 Had an inspiration, and I'm going to write about it before I forget. 

What I went through during the times I voiced my love for someone and they reciprocated, and they returned my love. The young years of life, where everything felt optimistic, where all people are good and kind, and that we all want to love. How someone who loves you can, can unexpectedly turn into a monster.

Things that I had to watch for then, and prepare. Someone freaking out, what you simply saying hi to them now. Now they completely ignore you, when before they supposedly love you. Well obviously that could not have been love, real love. It was instead a feeling of Euphoria. Love, real love, would exist outside the ideas of the mind, or the beliefs, or the feelings. It is something you see and understand in how the value of life of each person, of all beings, of all sized, shapes and form, equally exist in, and deserve care, recognition, respect, and attention. You see it through action, through your being, how you exist, the choices you make, the way you live. 

Now its fucking scary, scary to not fully know anyone, and what they are capable of doing, saying, and changing. What they are capable of hiding about themselves, what they are doing or feeling, thinking... in their secret mind. 

Blind optimism and hope is something that can exist before ruination, before slamming against the reality of people on Earth, the truth that we don't know how to love yet. We are a work in progress. 

I felt so embarrassed that I couldn't see or anticipate or ever expect a person to turn the way they did. I wanted to die of embarrassment. I want to control or predict when it will happen. I don't want to risk ever approaching someone like that again. I want to protect myself. 

I propose a balance, a balance between caution and optimism. Maybe we should have a new word for that. To approach someone with caution, and hope that there can be something here, something that can open up. Vigilant for their insanity to pop through, not risking anything that can't be lost. Patiently visiting. 

A lot of the pain I felt was just being suprised that people can exist that way, and so the world of all people are kind, or good, and that can always shine through, that optimism was false. The losing of my perfect world. The betrayal of everyone around me. How come no one said anything. No warnings. No lessons. No guidance on how to approach love. No direction on what exists really in people. No attempt to bring down a optimistic view of the world, and instead only promotion of that very false view. The sting of betrayal. 

I would regret ever raising a child to believe the world is sunshine and rainbows and that people can be trusted. I just wanted the truth. Simple. 

I blame myself, I feel like I turned them into the dark side. That I caused their hate. Because they did hate me, they did ignore me, they did gossip about me. I must be to blame, is the feeling. But I am not.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel embarrassed about not being able to perceive any person's strange, erratic, scary behaviors.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel pain, and hurt at society, and parent's and everyone promotion of a positive good world, and lack of real information on how people act, and what they are capable of.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel paralyzed in fear of what people can do. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty and blame myself because someone is hating on me, is targeting me, and trying to hurt me, and so I figure, being good people, they must have good reasons to act this way, but good people don't exist. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself, because someone else blames me. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate myself because someone else hates me.