Sunday, September 21, 2014

Walking my dog Day 174

I was walking my dog and I was present. I was aware of my skin, the temperature felt cool. The sounds, the cars, the distant noises. How my knees creek slightly while walking. Thoughts moving in the background. Ignoring them. Focusing on this moment, on living this thread, of simply walking being here.

There's not much to write about. Except on this resistance of posting something of this nature. This is a judgement. There isn't a mind point to write about. This is simply a sharing about tonight walk with Shana.

Saturday, September 20, 2014

Resistance is futile. Day 173

So it has been about a week, around ten days,  since I have opened up a point, and wrote self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements. Something I find interesting is how in this moment, the very moment that I type these words, I experience a resistance to sharing and speaking about me specifically and the changes and the ways I have changed. There are two choices here, I can push through this and write about the changes I have lived first, or I can write it later, and I can write about this resistance first.

I am considering that this resistance is a veil, so its not something I can take down in one go. i can however, write down one thread of this veil, which would be writing out this blog and thus acting out this action of sharing.

So, there were many moments, during the past days where I was given the opportunity to create conflict with something or someone. Something I find assistive to me is to provide a broad overview of these instances, because then I can look at the overall pattern by taking these instances and seeing what they all have in common.

I started embracing and liking eveyone's facebook point, as I sign of support, as well as commenting from a starting point of support. So in essence being non-threating and accepting of their decisions/choices. Also, not asking them to change.

I listened to and followed all of my mothers requests, and was grateful within and as myself that she reminded me to clean my room and my dishes.

I said yes to my fathers with points that he expressed, seeing the value of his word and perspective, even though within me there were points that I wanted to expressed, I held back and said yes, listening to him. Within understanding him, I could better respond and speak, to give specific support related to him and his life experience. I also learned things that I never knew or could imagine possible for him to live, which gave great insight.

So those are three examples, and there seems to be a pattern, hmmmmmm.......
I would stop myself, and breathe, I wouldn't speak immediately, but also assess first, how/who can I be so that I can be a point of support for this person that has entered my immediate presence. I have been doing this with strangers, which sometimes involves guess-work, though one point is clear, that when a person is excited, and energetic, like their voice is raising, to be calm and relax, and gentle in my voice as well as being agreeable. This movement worked for calming me down, and so far it works for others as well.. Another application is taking a noticeable deep breath, which the sound can be heard by the other person, reminding them to breathe, and be aware of their breath.

Something I did with my dog, hahahaha, I would make a high pitch hum sound that would make him excited and fussed up, as a way to play with him. He does this sound too as a way to express himself too.

I notice the change in these people (and my dog) immediately. I have another dog, who does not change visually while doing this, and she is usually more stable, present, not easily excitable.

Something I observe is how when you're energetic and all fussed up, you essentially become blind to what is here, and what you speak usually have holes in it, and is not clear. I notice too that directly challenging or questioning these holes, only leads the person to become more defensive, and generate more energy. So like with thought out tactics, the best way would be to focus firstly on lowering the energy levels, through showing the person you mean no threat. Like lowering the shields in star trek. You need to indicate to the other person that they can lower their shields, by being agreeable, and expressing agreement with their perspective, and/or deeply breathing loudly and/or speaking in a gentle soft, and possibly high pitch. You can also sound syllables without stress, which is surprisingly soothing. These are points I have lived, and there could be many more applications. I notice the first step is to soothe oneself which is how/why I initially applied these points. I wrote a blog about living acceptance within applying self-forgiveness to create a space of no resistance, and where change, and lasting change is possible.What I notice is that the energy levels dissipate immediately when applying this.

You then can speak in a non-threatening way, and you will notice the change in the other person, when compared to what would happen previously. And it all starts with you which is pretty cool.

Some side-effects, as i am calling them, that have also occurred is that I am speaking more excited when I have the opportunity to do so, and speaking in playful ways, which is a decision, so its like I have choice now, which wasn't there before. I suspect its due in part in having no threats to people, not desiring conflict with people or desiring peace, that I can speak this way because my own defenses are dropping. I notice too in small moments, where I could react, but I don't, and choose to make peace and let go. In general, things appear more quiet than before, and there are still remnants of thoughts, though its more like a leaf falling on a still lake, creating a rippling. So there's a choice now to stop it, with ease. Before it was like the world was ending with each thought I had. Now I just want peace with the world and everything.

So witthin all of this I realize and continue to live that all war and conflict of any sort is unnecessary as well as harmful, by the point that one is not actually living with everyone in peace. As long as fighting and resistance towards any point exist, then that constitutes separation. This includes the mind, as nothing is evil, and to be resisted. If you resist rape, or murder, war, or even resistance itself, that leads to no peace. By firstly starting with accepting what is here, as it exist, you can look and investigate how to practically change something. This is commonsense. That is why the first step in looking at yourself is to first stop resisting yourself and what you see. So within so without, the same point applies with every other point. Resistance is futile, as it is pointless.

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Meeting the people of this world Day 172

So a point regarding calling and meeting new people or strangers. There is one particular memory or moment in the past this is still active within meeting new people and creating new relationships with them. The first girl I kissed, we had a relationship that lasted a week. I was just entering college, and I was really excited and looking forward to making great friendships. She broke off our relationship, and afterwards, I had went to her room to speak to her, and told how I still saw her as a cool person and would want to continue our relationship in whatever capacity that she saw fit. Within that moment my body went into this position. My head tilted to the right, my arms felt heavy, like I couldn’t move them and my shoulders drop, and I was leaning on my right leg. I remember looking her in the eyes, and experiencing this shift of my body as more comfortable than if I had tried standing normally. So I expressed myself in that moment and took a stand in the capacity I could, and I felt good within having done that. I had felt crappy before because I was continuously thinking about the situation of our breakup.
So I had all these hopes and dreams of making friendships with people, but it all dissipated and dissolved. I was left in disappointment, and it was like I became so afraid of that point that I never dare go there again, to really be honest, state, and explain/share who I am. Now within what I am doing now, my real self needs to be here, because what I am doing as my business is something real, meaning it is really a service to the people, and it is really the value it has in dollars. It isn’t a get rich quick scheme, it isn’t a fake or a lie, like most things are. It is actually legitimate, and actually represents who I am and what I truly stand for, a world of honesty, truth, justice, within recognizing we are all one and equal. This is what I understood as a child. But I didn’t express or share this point with anyone, REALLY.
So, simplistically, I need to become a little kid again, back to looking at each person and seeing the same person as myself in them. So seeing the potential of friendship, support, and understanding. So being brave enough to seek that point each time with each person, in simply stating and sharing/explaining who I am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry with people, because becoming angry with people is the same as becoming angry with myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see the greatness and wonder that exists in and as each human being.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from any human being through the words I participate silently in my head.

When and as I see myself creating separation between me and another person through thinking- I stop and I breathe- I realize that we are one and equal.
I commit myself to approach and speak to each person in my world, as if I was talking to myself, recognizing them as a real person that is an individual, physically separate, in the sense of having their own individual body, yet one and equal with me in terms of design and structure of the human body, and in our life force.

Sunday, September 14, 2014

A Rod in the Ground, Day 171

Two or more in my name,
the last two characters I wrote, the Justice Character and the Mourning Character, along with the Prideful character that I wrote in my personal writings (not published), are interconnected in some way (I "know" what this is but Im holding it back to give background first)

"the mind suppresses my being"
When I am with a particular someone, a sibling, I react and trigger a certain way. I recognize I react in a similar way to a Buddy I was working with.

I listened to the Sibling Rivalry interview, which assisted me in understand some dimensions.

I recognize that I am suppressing my being or that my being is suppressed by the mind. I am reacting in a particular way, a suppression. I describe this suppression in the following way, everything is quiet, but like a forced quiet, maybe like a chocking. I need to focus on myself to experience what is actually here. Its like a withdrawal into a shell. I am a Cancer, in astrology. Someone explained to me, my mother I believe, that the Cancer animal is a Crab, and that people with that sign withdraw within themselves. Whether that I do that because of when I was born, is another question, but I recognize that I do do that. But more specifically it is a suppression of my being. I am beginning to recognize and see what "my being" is. I have been suppressing for much of my life so it is slightly difficult to see the moments where I am not suppressed. It just takes some time. I recognize I allow myself to be shocked by things and so that leading to a retreat within myself.

I recognize that my Justice character is a form of suppression. When I am acting for Justice, it is not who I would really act as, if I was not triggered. Perhaps all characters are just ways the mind suppresses us, it seems that it could be so. The prideful character, I am seeking validation so it is also someone I would not be, if I was not triggered. And the same person who I would be if I was not triggered in either of the two characters, is the same. I would just be here. I recognize that as this person I would express in different ways depending on what is here, but it is more on a practical point, like how could I express with this thing that is now here, not based on energy building up to acting the same way each time. This person is actually not completely predictable as characters are. You can't be spontaneous while experiencing energy, because you always seek for that which gives more energy which isn't spontaneity but is predictable.

My being, myself.
Me, who I am.
My being isn't a character, I can't define it like I would a character.

I suppress myself with energy.

So I sang some of the robot virgins and other desteni songs outloud on camera, to bring myself out. I saw myself in moments I was singing where I was really being here and singing, and that involved stopping/slowing down the energy and be aware of the physical, and stand within myself, and it in a way it was like pushing down on the mind or energy, to slow it down and give myself space to be here.

A fly was crawling on my eye lid, and looking back on what I wrote.... I wasn't really here in the act of writing. 

Im just focusing o myself right now. One reason I am writing this is because I listened to an interview by Bernard and reacted, and one thing he said was how resistance, pain, is a gift, and there is change about to happen if one pushes through. Right now I am pushing to see myself, my real self. I realize it is an assumption that this "real self" even exists, because isn't all that exist already here. So this that is me, that I have been working with this whole time is me, is the "real me", which real in this context is not something special or divine, it is what it is.

I notice I react quite frequently to the tonality of someone's voice.

When I see someone else, or my own memories, I am seeing just the potential of what I can be, not what I am now. But I can practice, live and push this change, which I have already started through singing, and in writing in the way I am now.

I realize that we are intuitively able to learn new words, such as self-honesty and self-forgiveness, granted it takes time, and there may be mistakes, but we are capable of that, living those words.

My being.

My brother said some things to me. And I felt bad. I don't want to look at the point, but it doesn't matter because I will. My brother was complaining to me about my breath smelled, and was talking to me as if I should have plan and seen the consequence of not brushing my teeth, and so I failed. Which, everything he said is true, but his attitude. You can tell he doesn't really care for me. That its really something for him, within getting angry and complaining. After listening to the sibling rivalry, I can say my brother holds resentment and anger towards me. He has been competing with me. I have feared him getting violent and angry, and I realize that the less I participate openly with his anger, the more angry he gets, to provoke a response. When I become quiet, I feel suppressed. This is a lie. I actually feel happy that he's angry with me. Because it is the endless war we have played since we were little. And with him getting angry is the objective. But this happiness I am participating in is suppressing my being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel happy that my brother expresses anger about my bad breath.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek to make my brother angry, because then I am fighting with him, and winning the war.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play the innocent one, by attacking my brother through passive means, through triggering him, and causing his anger, by pushing his buttons.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play the victim, and do so to hide when I cause my brother to get angry, because I secretly enjoy it, and feel good about it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enjoy bringing out reactions in other people.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek to bring out reactions in other people, because I feel happy doing so.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and bring out reactions in people who disagree with me, or with whom I am at war with, even if it means shouting and yelling.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to make playing tricks and little games, and scaring people, done within the starting point of feeling happy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fight with people from the starting point of energy or who is right, or who wins.

No more fighting,

When and as I see myself feeling happy within pushing someone's buttons to have them react openly, I stop and I breathe- I realize that no one enjoys reacting as it is not supportive for one's living and being, and causing them to react will just have them resent you and lead to war as now they will try to get you back - I realize fighting is always pointless as it is based in energy, which is pointless since its not even real or tangible.

I commit myself to get along with everyone and support everyone to stop their reactive habits, by remaining stable, here, and not engage and participate within another person's reaction, within reaction, but stand as a rod in the ground, to ground the situation to practicality and what is best for all. 

Saturday, September 13, 2014

Justice Character Day 170

Knight in Shining Armor to serve Justice

When someone tells a lie, my Justice Character activates.
Even though it feels like I am charged up, and shout/speak with a loud voice, I feel peaceful. Something that happens sometimes is that I would suppress this character, especially if I didn't know the person and I was speaking with them in person, not online. So I have become this character online and with people close to me. I was scared that other people may harm me, because I was shouting at them, but I would still get revved up when seeing the "injustice." I notice my blood pumps stronger in my veins. And I stand straight with my head tilted slightly so as to create this look with my eyes and forehead. My hands also sway and move more, as I speak. I sometimes jump too. And my voice is consistently and constantly loud. Sometimes the other person asks me to lower my voice, I agree to it, but I keep shouting, without realizing I am. I think to myself they are lying. I think that they know that they are lying. I think that they are just trying to protect themselves being right. I think that they just don't want to change. I think that they are just in reaction, and I need to speak and be like this so that they have a chance of hearing me, because otherwise they would shout and just ignore me, like how they always would. I notice how throughout my life, I would get upset at even little lies or jokes, esp. if they were about me. So if someone insulted me I would separately react towards the insult and simultaneously react with the Justice Character, because the insult would be a lie, unless I saw it as true, which it wouldn't activate, and I would react as another character. I notice how this started when I was little and would react to my brother or cousin teasing me, and how I would feel peaceful when I got back at them. I wouldn't shout, I would suppress that, even though I wanted to, and I would do something back to them. There were times where I did shout, and I saw my mother shout, when she was upset. It was not really about the lie, but the injustice. On justice, its like everyone knows what is right but no one does it, which I start reacting to that thought. This thought is a lie, since not everyone is aware of the same things. And I am not aware of that. So it was a lie I had within me that justified the Justice Character.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to shout/speak in a loud voice, jump around and wave my hands in the air when someone I know tells a lie.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stand up straight and tilt my head to look the person in the eye when someone I know tells a lie.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tell myself in thought that they are lying, they know they are lying, they just don't want to change, they are just protecting being right when someone I know tells a lie.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tell myself in thought that they are in reaction, I just need to speak loudly so that they have a chance of hearing me, because otherwise they would shout back at me, and ignore/suppress me, like how they always would, when someone I know tells a lie.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get upset at little jokes or teases about me, or about others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I must avenge or serve justice to people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do things as "justice" to my brother and cousins if I felt they had wronged me or done in injustice, and so I must balance things out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tell myself the lie that everyone knows what is right but doesn't do it on purpose/in awareness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel peaceful when I activate and become the Justice character.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become the justice character when someone I know tells a lie. 

When and as I see myself feeling peaceful, as the justice character, when someone tells a lie- I stop and I breathe - I realize that, 2 points, that 1, we each are aware of very little of what goes on, and 2, serving justice does not help anyone to correct themselves, either people who have some awareness of what they're doing, or none.

I commit myself to ask questions to find out what people are aware of who say/write information, which doesn't coincide with what knowledge I have stored within me, because its possible that I or them or both have installed misinformation in ourselves.

I commit myself to speak calmly and clearly what information I have stored within me, if it is relevant to the person I am with, if for example they spoke a statement, which doesn't coincide with the information in me, and to ask that they clearly and calmly do the same with me, so that I may learn as well.