Monday, September 1, 2014

Removing the words good or bad, and finding practicality - day 164


Posting something I shouldn’t have. Writing something I shouldn’t have. Causing harm through writing something self-dishonestly and publishing it. Doing harm. Doing wrong. Wronging myself. Harming myself. Being evil.
I am Evil Character/Self-pity Character

“I am evil” and I feel self-pity, a “OH NO!” “I can’t be EVIL, I just can’t.”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think adamantly I posted something I shouldn’t have.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think adamantly I wrote something I shouldn’t have.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think adamantly I am causing harm through writing something self-dishonestly, and publishing it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think adamantly I am doing harm.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think adamantly I am doing wrong
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think adamantly I am wronging myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think adamantly I am harming myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think adamantly I am evil.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being evil and doing evil things.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be good, and do good things.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel happy when I say the word good, and think about being good, and doing good things.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to think/say I am evil.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel pity for myself, especially for thinking/saying/calling myself as evil.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, “OH No, I can’t be evil, I just can’t.”
This is reminding me of religion. In religion there is good and bad, what you should or shouldn’t do. I grew up in a Semi-christian environment. I was also raised with Guru’s and spirituality from the East or New age. My mom is very judgmental and has her ideas of what is good/bad and right/wrong. To her these things are very clear and indisputable, and to question this would bring out her harsh side. For most of my life I was compliant to her ideas, and took them on as my own.
I feel afraid of saying something bad about my mom, and incurring her wrath.
I feel afraid of not being a good son.
I feel afraid/sad that I am not good enough as a son, as a person, as a human being, soul, being, and that I need to become better and make sure I am good enough.
The whole idea of enlightenment and religion is that I/people are not good enough since we are born, and we need to become something better, holy, divine, when I self-honestly know the exact opposite is true. We are already perfect as who we are. We just need to act, and take our place and position, which takes just a movement, and not a becoming of something, or attaining of anything.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel afraid of saying something bad about my mom and incurring her wrath.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel afraid of not being a good son.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel afraid and sad that I am not a good enough as a son, as a person, as a human being, as a soul, as a being, and so that I need to become better and make sure I am good enough.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I need to become something in order to become better.
I also grew up thinking that we were perfect, because we had a higher self, and that we were born according to out soul level and that we had a karmic history, or past lives. I thought I was an old soul.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am an old soul
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that karmic souls exist
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that past lives exist
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I or people can attain history and experiences that carry onto the next life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that where we are born is determined by our actions in this life that are judged as GOOD and BAD.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to good things and avoid doing bad things because I believed and thought I would be rewarded in my next life or future life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that we are rewarded for the good things we could, and that there is an authority separate from me that has already determined what is good for humans to do, as well as what is bad.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make it natural and accepted part of me to obviously do good things, without question, without investigation, without introspection, as to why I am accepting my behavior and actions as such, and what are the real implications and consequences of taking on these supposed good actions, and why I avoid the supposed bad actions, such as drinking alcohol, and partying too much, because it harms my body.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in fear of doing the evil things, that I have already accepted as such as evil, which is defined in part by whether it makes certain people that I judge as good or holy, angry or upset.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear doing things that harm my body.
Bad. To not help someone when I could have, because they need help, I would be a bad person.
Good. Helping other people, which takes my time and effort, and patience, because I am a good person, because it is what I would have wanted.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do things so that I am not a bad person.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to do things because it would make me a good person.
Bad to hurt someone physically or emotionally, because it hurts them.
Good to help someone who is hurt physically or emotionally, because pain hurts.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid hurting someone physically or emotionally because it hurts them.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to help someone who is hurt physically or emotionally because pain hurts.

I am reminded why I didn’t have sex with a girlfriend. She was a virgin and I didn’t want to hurt her. And there were many times where I didn’t say things to people in my life, including her, because I didn’t want to risk hurting them emotionally.

Bad to do something that limits me or hurts me, because it is bad to hurt and limit myself
Good to do something that makes me grow, expand, and makes things easier for me, because it is always good to expand and grow like a tree and to make things easier for me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do things that make me grow, expand and so make it easier for me, because it is always good to grow, like a tree, and become stronger.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid doing things that limit and hurt me, because it is bad to hurt or limit myself.
I forgive myself to do things because I see them, learned them to be, taught myself to think, that they are bad or good.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge any thing, person, animal, plant, object, or abstract concept, including myself, as good or bad.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a good person.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a bad person.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge any action, or behavior as good or bad.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that people who do bad things have bad things happen to them.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that people who do good things have good things happen to them.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect good things will happen to me if I do good things.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect bad things will happen to me if I do bad things.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being an evil son, an evil brother, a evil cousin, an evil nephew, an evil grandson, or an evil friend, or evil boyfriend.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be a good son, a good brother, a good cousin, a good nephew, a good grandson, a good friend, or a good boyfriend.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see some people in this world as good people, and some people in this world as bad people.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see gurus as good.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see teachers as good
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see parents as good
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see families as good
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see women as good.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see wise people as good
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see wizards as good.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see ancient people as good.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see native americans as good
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see the European settlers as bad for wiping out the Native Americans.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see Men as evil.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see fathers as bad.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see mothers as good
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see young people as bad.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see older people as good.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see Ekhart Tolle, Yogananda, and other self-proclaimed enlightened people as good.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see guides, angels, and souls/spirits as good.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see god as good.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see man as evil.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see babies as pure, innocent, and not yet evil.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see children as innocent and become corrupted by the adults around them, or things on tv, or other already corrupted kids.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think or believe that there are a few uncorrupted people like me out there, and that I must find them.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself alone, that everyone around me is evil, and corrupted and requires saving and showing the way, but I must first show myself the way by listening and following the few uncorrupted people.
I see that I am like a robot that has been programmed with information and been living on Auto Pilot this whole time. My sequencing told me exactly what to do, what to say, how to say it, who to meet, who to approach, where to go, when to do it, how to do it, why I do, at least the reason I tell myself, my goals in life, what I wanted to accomplish, what was important to me, the memories I accessed, who I said I am, what I didn’t share and speak, what I hid from others, my secrets, what I believed in, what I attacked and judged, what I disagreed with or agreed with, and more.  

When and as  I see myself acting on my good/bad programming as a statement of judgment regarding some thing or action, whether to avoid some action or thing, or approach/engage in some action or thing- I stop and I breathe – I realize that good and bad doesn’t exist in the physical, animals, plants, in the physical bodies, or universe, that instead it only exists in the mind, and so the very statement of existence is in question, because it begs us to ask, does good and bad even exist, since it only exist in the mind and not in the physical reality – I realize that because good and bad can’t be found in the physical reality, that I do not require the good/bad programming to exist either, because I have the physical body and it is not dependent on good/bad programming to exist, just like all the plants and other animals – I realize I can live and express myself without thinking statements of good/bad and also without speaking statement aloud or in writing of the good/bad paradigm – I realize speaking within good and bad actually does not place practical or useful information into word form, as it only expresses an opinion, and not WHY the opinion is held, which would actually be practical – I realize that the only thing that matters is practicality, is what physically has an effect, as that is something real that is happening, and it is best that I align what I speak to reflect practical living for myself and for others, and this planet as a whole.

I commit to no longer speak in good/bad statements, but rather explain what I mean, by saying the actual practical reason why I say what I state.
I commit myself to live and take actions only based on practicality and not on statements on what is good or bad within me.

Sunday, August 31, 2014

Victim/Sadness Characters, also featuring the Paranoid/Fearful Character and Self-Conceited/Reward-seeking Character. Day 163




FYI Cusi is a cat, and you will need to read through the entire document till the end. Enjoy! -yogan

Sadness/Victim Character
Cusi bitting my wrist.
Say aloud “oh no, what did I do?” or “what’s the matter cusi?” or “what is wrong?”
I feel sad.

My neck drops a bit, I stare off into the distance, I am “still” “not moving” and too weak to really move. I just focus in on my sadness and I stay there.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to drop my neck.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be still, not moving.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be too weak to really move.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to just stay there within my sadness, with my focus and attention on my sadness, which is situated within my solar plexus.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to say aloud “oh, no what did I do?”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to say aloud “what’s the matter cusi?”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to say aloud “what is wrong?”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to Cusi biting my wrist.

Im thinking I am doing something wrong to cusi, I hurt cusi. I did not treat cusi well. I scared cusi away. I did not treat cusi right. I damaged cusi. I destroyed cusi. I destroyed our relationship. He hates me. I am a bad friend. I am a bad person. Cusi will never forgive me. I wronged him. I am at fault. I need to ask for forgiveness. I need to make it up to cusi. I need to find a way to make things better. What can I do to make things better? How can I help cusi. What can I do differently, next time?
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am doing something wrong to cusi
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think , I hurt cusi
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I did not treat cusi
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I scared cusi away
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I did not treat cusi right
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I damaged cusi
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I destroyed cusi.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I destroyed our relationship.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think he hates me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am a bad friend.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am a bad person
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think Cusi will never forgive me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think . I wronged him.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am at fault.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I need to ask for forgiveness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I need to make it up to cusi.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I need to find a way to make things better.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think what can I do to make things better?
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think how can I help cusi.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think what can I do differently, next time?

This reminds me of how I reacted to how specific friends I had who reacted negatively towards me, similar to how cusi bit my wrist, but appropriate for human interactions. I have this fear of friends reacting negatively to me and thus leaving me. I therefore fear losing friends. I fear doing something that will drive friends away.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear driving friends away.
I forgive myself ffor accepting and allowing myself to fear friends reacting negatively to me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing friends, especially because of something I did.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being the cause, reason, or excuse as to why a person, whom I considered a friend, chooses to not seek my company.
So the fear of loss leads to sadness, when what I fear losing, “occurs.”
When and as I see myself feeling afraid of losing a relationship or friendship with a person, animal or thing, and I feel sad after experiencing an event which I interpret in my mind as meaning my fear of losing them/it has been realized – I stop and I breathe – I realize that relationships and friendships don’t define me – I realize that I define myself through what goes on within me – I realize that possession or ownership is often the case not permanent, as well as serves as an abstract concept or idea, because I can’t really “own” something or “have something” eternally, really, and the closest I can get is to be in the presence of something with that something’s permission – from this I realize I am always a guest wherever I go, and with whomever I am with, and each thing gives its permission for me to be in its presence, or not – I realize the only thing I hold responsibility for is myself – I realize I cannot own a relationship or friendship, and I can never lose a relationship or friends, as it wasn’t Mine, to begin with – I realize practically I may do things that may incur a response from a person to make a decision to not have their presence near my being, which is fine, acceptable and ok, as my responsibility is over myself, not over them and their decision – I realize I also don’t have a say as to deny my presence to be spent with another person if they wish to spend time with me, on an absolute realm, though practically I may need to schedule time, because I can only be in one place in any single moment – I realize that as my mind I assume too much from small tiny events, like with Cusi, I assumed that him biting me led to my sadness in a quantum moment, because of my patterns of thinking and I do this in many situations where I react to such small events as a person expressing an emotion of frustration or anger, and I make it as if now they wish to spend no more time with me ever again, forever.
I commit myself to never deny a person who wishes to spend time in my presence, and to be practical by, if necessary, schedule times to meet.
I commit myself to remove all concepts of control or ownership over anything in this world, and be humble by restricting my responsibility to just Me.
I commit myself to be humble when approaching a person, and ask them whether I can spend time in their presence.
I commit myself to stop trying to control, maintain, and keep relationships, and instead simply express me, from the starting point of doing things for me, and so by doing so, I allow others to do the same, and be free from this eternal servitude of my own fear of loss of relationships and friendships leading to repetitive actions that I believe, made as if real, maintain or keep a relationship, which is done in fear.
I commit myself to respect another person’s decision to not have their being spent time in my presence.
I commit myself to not be over-presumptuous and assume that because someone wishes to leave my vicinity, or immediate area, to assume that they are trying to get away from me forever or that they left because of me, because maybe they wanted to explore something else, or they had a specific reaction towards me, and left so that they could deal with it, or any number of other possible scenarios.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the worst possible case scenario, and thus make it as real in my mind, and perception, through reactions, and taking on as characters that live this, such as the Victim/sadness character.

This reminds me of this guy I watched in this movie. He lived in a bunker and was playing the crazy old conspiracy theorist guy who was preparing for the end of the world, and thus for the worst case scenarios in general. I observed how he lived a debilitated and restricted life, with no contact with real people. He lived in solitude. He was paranoid, which meant he got scared easily by strangers, and scared towards his own thoughts of government agencies looking for him. I can relate to that, in terms of how I feel now. I feel fearful, of not having control, of someone looking for me, wishing to do something to me. I fear the consequences for what I have done to people. I fear doing things by accident that can cause negative outcomes. I fear endangering my own safety. I fear bad things happening to me. I fear being robbed in the streets. I fear being robbed at gun point. I fear

Paranoid/ Fearful character

I fear bad things happening to me, which I can’t control.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear bad things happening to me, which I can’t control
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not having control over bad things that might happen to me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear someone looking for me wishing to harm me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear government agencies or groups or organizations looking for me to harm me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear some great evil super villain killing me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear doing something to someone which causes them to get so angry that they come to kill me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being killed from behind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being killed while I am relaxed and distracted.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear making someone mad, because they might come kill me later.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being hurt in the street, walking alone at night.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being robbed at gun point.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear receiving an STD from having sex with a woman.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being arrested by the cops.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear a person thinking I am dangerous and calling the cops on me, because they might decide to arrest me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear a hurricane that comes to destroy Miami, and that my family and I need to escape by a boat.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear an end of the world scenario where I have to escape Miami with my family.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear a Tyranasauras rex that comes to our house and tries to eat us.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear Chuckie from the horror movie, because its something small that can move fast, and pretend to be just a doll, when it is actually alive and can kill me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear horror movie monsters that try to kill me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fight my fear by imagining a saving scenario that saves and fights the feared scenario, like a superhero, or a magic circumstance that changes things, or I act like a hero, instead of stopping the actual imagined fear.  
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine myself being a hero that fights against the thing I fear that could kill me.
 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine something else coming to save me and act as a hero, to fight the fear I have of that thing that I fear will kill me.
 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine closing my eyes, and hiding from that thing I fear will come and kill me, as if hoping it will go away like waking up from a bad dream.

When and as I am fearful of dying or being killed or harmed by something which I fear of doing this to me – I stop and I breathe- I realize that my fear is killing me, and my ability to live, and even my ability to foresee real probable scenarios that would be undesirable for my life- I realize that having a fear and feeling fearful of something killing me, causes me to freeze, or prompts me to fight back violently, which is both cases not something beneficial, as the best thing is to prevent undesirable circumstances – I realize that most of my fears are delusional and likely never to happen, regarding making someone angry enough to kill me, or monsters, or end of the world scenarios – I realize that most of my fears are irrational – I realize that  fear sucks, I hate living in fear – I realize that I am like that old guy I referenced from that movie I watched, who is paranoid, who is isolated, and spends all his time thinking about things that could happen to him, and takes actions as an attempt to combat them, even though they are really unique situations that are very unlikely to happen and he would also have very little control anyway – I realize that these fears I wrote out are tied to situations or circumstances where I have very little control, and thus I am a victim, who must plead or run away for his life –

I commit myself to remove fear eventually through continuous writing, investigation and commitments.
I commit myself to stop and analyze the situation when something “dangerous” is present.
I commit myself to take responsibility again as an individual who is responsible for himself.
I experience my body/self as the following: heart races, I feel distracted and have trouble concentrating on one thing. My attention is divided on things I am not aware of, or towards danger. I feel like running and fear I am not running fast enough, or I feel very still, slow, and having trouble moving myself, and arms, and legs. So I have a loss of muscle coordination. I feel like I am moving slow, or that time is moving slow, when I am aware that I am actually missing out on much on what is happening, and literally have less control through being less aware of the moment.

I am going to die. I won’t live. I don’t have a chance.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am going to die.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I won’t live.
 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I don’t have a chance.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have my heart race.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel distracted
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have trouble concentrating on one thing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have my attention be divided to things I am not aware of, or towards danger.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like running.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear I am running fast enough.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel very still, slow, and having trouble to move myself, my arms, and legs.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a loss in muscle coordination.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like time is moving slow
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I am moving slow.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss out on what is actually happening.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be less aware of moment and thus have less control over myself and the moment.
When and as I see myself feeling fearful, with my heart racing, etc… I stop and I breathe – I realize I need to really, actually, bring myself here, and increase my presence, and awareness, and being of being here, which I do by focusing on what is physical present, and focusing on my physical body, and my awareness of my senses, and physical positioning of my body in space, in this moment, which includes breathing which is notoriously useful in slowing down my heart and bringing back control over my muscles and body, to more exact precision and movement – I realize I need to take control back, over me, over myself, and my body, my muscles, and bones, my blood, organs, etc… - I realize that this fear is a possessive state, that possess me, my muscles, my ENTIRE body, and moves according to a quantum decision made in the fear part of me – I realize the only way to stop fear, to stop these possessions, is by asserting myself, and stopping! And bringing back me to the physical seat _ I realize that fear is like the mind’s or mine, emergency back up system in case of danger posed to my physical body which is my vehicle- I realize how this emergency back up system, known as fear, is not ideally placed, because it includes irrational fear, as well, it is not effective because it is not focused, and is more distracted, it focuses only on fighting or running away, or standing still, like hiding, which the decision making process of which one to do, appears completely random, and not based on what is actually occurring, e.g. standing when you should be running, or running when you should be acting to help another, or make a better move that was not noticeable or considered as an option previously.
I commit myself to breathe, be here in each moment of breath, and when I see I am not here, as my body, as my arms, legs, and rest of my body, breathing, I start being here again, shift from the mind, into the physical body.


Physically smiling, possession of smiling. Possession of giggling laughing, feeling happiness and joy in my center region, Thinking I am so glad, happy, grateful. I was thinking about how someone was congratulating me on a job well done I felt happy because I was making a difference in someone else’s life.
 Self-conceited/Reward-seeking Character
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel happy because I believe, thought or perceived I was making a difference in someone else’s life.
 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about someone congratulating me on a job well done.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am so glad happy and grateful.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be possessed by giggling, laughing, and feeling happiness and joy in my centered regions.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be physically possessed by smiling.
When and as I see myself feeling happy, thinking about being congratulated for being helpful, and physical possessed as smiling, laughing or giggling – I stop and I breathe – I realize that it is self-dishonest to help someone for the purpose of feeling happy, good, or physically smiling, laughing or giggling, because if that is acceptable then it is also acceptable to harm someone for the same desired experiences, which would be unacceptable – I realize that it is only self-honest to help someone, from the starting point of me, of who I am or who I am trying to be or who I decided I would like to be and so live, and so doing so would be doing it FOR ME – I realize I need to live for me, for my well being, and I wish everyone else would do the same – I realize to live for praise is to live for a lesser life, or potential of living, that I am capable of, and I require to push to live for myself, for the actual reasons I find important, not the ideas or beliefs I have about what would make me happy, but rather what is actually, in actuality what is best for me, and with that I can die happy.
I commit myself to live for me, not for congratulations or applause.
I commit myself to live for me, not for attention or recognition.
I commit myself to live for me, what is best for me, what actually serves me in living the absolute best life, one that I wish for every single person to strive to achieve for their self.
I commit myself to make sure that every single action and movement I take is made within the starting point of what is best for me.



I made a mistake in typing a webpage URL. I closed my eyes, leaned forward and thought very adamantly, as if it were the truth and I was admitting it to myself, reluctantly: Yogan you don’t know what you are doing. My eyes were tight shut, squeezing. I felt sad or pity for myself.
I did it again, but this time I placed my left hand, open palmed, over my forehead region, as if saying, oh shoot I made a mistake, like in a cartoon or tv show. And I had thought the same, Yogan you don’t know what you are doing.
Sad/Victim character
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to say to myself, “Yogan, you don’t know what you are doing”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to shut my eyes, tight, lean my head forward and down.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad or pity for myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to victimize myself or feel sad for myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to victimize myself or feel sad for myself when I am confused, or make a mistake or do something incorrectly, or don’t know the correct thing to do.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to victimize myself or feel sad for myself when I don’t know something.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to victimize myself or feel sad for myself over how much I know or don’t know.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to victimize myself or feel sad for myself in respect to knowledge.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to victimize myself or feel sad for myself when I don’t know something and it affects my grade in school.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear receiving anything less than A in school.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame other things, outside of myself, for why I get grades that are lower than an A, out of fear or within fear, of being the one responsible for the grade I received that was less than an A.

When and as I see myself feeling afraid of not knowing something, and so think/react as a victim character, “Yogan, you don’t know what you are doing” as an attempt to not take responsibility for myself because I am attempting to claim, “I didn’t know,” which is meant to excuse the responsibility for what I just did as a mistake, or incorrect movement, behavior, or action, that I had just done – I stop and I breathe- I realize that I am always responsible for myself, even when I make a mistake, or incorrect movement, behavior or decision, and even when I didn’t know, or did know that it was incorrect – I realize I always will be responsible for myself, and that I have always been the one that is responsible for myself – I realize that playing the victim and blaming something else for something I did, weakens me, and makes my situation worse, because now that I have stated something else is responsible for what I did, I will begin to live that statement in my life in totality, with everything I do, and all interactions- I realize there are no such things as victims, just people, like me, who harm themselves, or if they choose, help themselves- victimizing myself, and not taking responsibility for myself, and giving excuses for what I did, doesn’t help me, it harms me.
I commit myself to stop all blaming and excuses regarding what I do, or have done, or did in the past, as well as creating future excuses for what I will do.
I commit myself to always take responsibility for my actions, through my spoken words, how I speak, what I say, within explaining why I did something, or had done something, and so within sharing why, I am stating I am responsible, thoroughly and completely, and thus owning myself, my actions, and miss-takes, and every behavior I engage within.

Saturday, August 30, 2014

Are you walking process to make friends, or are you walking it for yourself? Big DIFFERENCE!!!!!! day 162


So Im interrupting my blog series for THIS. VERY IMPORTANT POINT.

Am I walking process for me?

When I ask myself whether I compare doing things FOR ME, VS. Doing this FOR ANY thing else.
I self-honestly choose Me.

Do I help this person FOR ME, or for them?
FOR ME.

Do I wake up FOR ME, or to save the world?
FOR ME.

Whatever I place in this spot: Do I do THIS for me, or ________?
FOR ME always WINS.

But am I LIVING THIS?
NOoooooooooooOOOOOoooooOOOOOooooooooOOOOOoooooooo

I notice how even just 5 minutes ago, how i was doing something FOR SOMEONE ELSE, for the purpose of BEING THEIR FRIEND, which is COMPLETELY self-dishonest.

AND IT WAS AUTOMATIC.

I had to literally slam my hand on the table and yell NOOOO!!!!
So I literally had to take action to stop myself in the moment in Acting that way, and ALIGN myself to doing this FOR ME.

In addition, I had also seen something that would be done FOR ME, but I was HESITANT, I DID NOT ACT IMMEDIATELY. And so it WASn't automatic. But I KEPT looking at the Point. THIS IS FOR ME, and I WAS sitting there looking at the situation, I said to MYSELF, within myself, this is FOR ME, acting this way would be ACTING FOR ME. I Just couldn't take it because I couldn't ALLOW the situation to continue like it was. SO I just went for it. I had to push, and DRAW OUT the words. I had to FORCE and PUSH PAST the, FOR THEM REASONS. 

It is interesting that there is nothing in the mind that is done FOR YOU. It is always done for EVERYTHING ELSE THAT EXISTS, women, cars, friends, houses, money, ideas, beliefs, power, enlightenment, grace, intelligence, etc... BUT NEVER is it for you, (for me).


CAN YOU NAME ONE THING YOU DID FOR YOU?

I grew up doing everything FOR GOD. I did well in school etc... but it was like this resistance, because its A LIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Whenever you do something NOT FOR YOU, its a lieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

When I start doing things for me its like a freedom, because nothing can touch me unless I allow it too. So people can say anything to me, the animals and plants can do anything to me, because it doesn't matter, everything I do is for me, not for them. So people can't guilt me anymore, people can't scare me anymore, people can't give me anything anymore, I have everything I need, which is myself. That's an absolute point in process, DOING EVERYTHING FOR YOU (For me). Breathe for you, eat for you, shit for you, study for you, work for you, dance for you, laugh for you, write for you, etc... And what is interesting is that within this I AM WRITING FOR EVERYONE.

WHY? HOW?

Because this is for me, its a present for me, I WANT YOU ALL TO CHANGE, to DO THINGS FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOT FOR ME BUT FOR YOU. Which WHY AM I DOING THIS???

ITS FOR ME!!!!

Because its what I want, how I want the world to be, exactly. WHICH IS DONE FOR ME, not for you, or gifts or praises, or energy, or laughs, or pats on the back or anything thing but the THING ITSELF, and ME.


So if you drew a circle, the center of the circle would be me, and doing things for me would be the starting point of EVERYTHING I DO. On a practical realm, I need to face EVERY SINGLE tendency, automatic movements, learned habits, that ACT by themselves, and ALIGN the ACTION and the REASON, for doing things to..... ME!


ME ME ME ME ME ME. Wonderful isn't it? AND the ONLY REASON YOU WOULD LISTEN WOULD BE FOR YOU!!!!! AHAHAH!

IF YOU YOU DON"T LISTEN, You care about something else more than you!!!!!
SAD, Right?

What's more important the world or you?

HAHAHA. THIS IS A TRICK!!!!! THE IDEAS OF CHARITY, OF SAVING THE WORLD are tricks, are DECEPTIONS!!!!!

Every religion, and every morality TRIES TO MAKE ANYTHING, EVERYTHING MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOU.

EVEN YOUR OWN GOD DAMN HAPPINESS, IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOU!!!!!!!

How sick is that?!!!

That how you feel, your happiness, or sadness, is MORE IMPORTANT THAT YOU!!!!!!
That totality of YOU!!!!!

So its all a deception, the reasons that humans live, have all been lies. FOR GOD, FOR "ME", which translates to "how I feel," FOR SEX, FOR DRUGS, FOR PARTIES, FOR FRIENDS, FOR HONOR, FOR LAUGHS, FOR A GOOD TIME, FOR SAVING THE WORLD, FOR FREEDOM, FOR BLAh, BLAh, BLAh, BLAh.

IF YOU DID THINGS ABSOLUTELY FOR YOU, FOR THE REAL ME, THE TOTALITY OF YOURSELF, HOW WOULD YOU CHANGE?

YOU WOULD BE THE ABSOLUTE MOST AMAZING PERSON WOULDN"T YOU?

YOU WOULD CARE ABOUT WHAT"S HAPPENING TO YOU, WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO YOU.

IS''NT THAT WHAT EVERY PARENT WOULD WISH FOR THEIR CHILD???

IRONIC IS''NT IT?!

SO I was walking this process to make friends. THIS HAS TO STOP. NOTHING IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN ME. TO LIVE FOR SOMEONE ELSE, is a LIEEEEEEE.

To clarify things, when you care for someone else, like physically care, wash your dog, feed your baby, etc... you do it from the starting point of YOU, SELF, WHO YOU ARE. You feed your dog FOR YOU, you feed your baby FOR YOU. BECAUSE YOU RECOGNIZE THIS WORLD, CONSEQUENCE, THE FUTURE, and you create it as such, FOR YOU. Create the world FOR YOU (for me).

DO YOU WANT THAT BABY OR DOG IN YOUR LIFE? THAN YOU BETTER FEED IT!!!!!!!
AHhaha.

ANother interesting dimension within all of this is how when you do things FOR YOU. You ARE recognizing the equal value of LIFE in EVERYTHING ELSE!!!!!!!!!
BECAUSE YOU RECOGNIZE EVERYTHING ELSE IS A SELF.

THAT YOU DO THINGS FOR YOU, and YOU SEE THE BENEFIT THEREOF, and YOU WISH AUTOMATICALLY THAT EVERYTHING ELSE HAS THE SAME BENEFIT.

YOU EXPERIENCE THE LIFT OF THE YEARS OF LIES THAT HAVE BE COMPOUNDED.
You begin to see that life can be pleasant, free of pain and suffering, and your vision on physical pain and suffering changes, that they are insignificant to this LIE you have been carrying around. LIVING IN A LIE IS THE WORST THING A PERSON CAN DO TO THEMSELVES.

CHOPPING OFF YOUR ARM WOULD BE BETTER THAN LIVING IN A LIE.

THANKFULLY YOU DON"T HAVE TO DO SUCH A THING.

JUST STOP LIVING THE LIE.

EVERY MOMENT YOU STOP, and EVERY MOMENT YOU ALIGN your actions and REASONS, to YOU (for me), the closer you get to.....  Well, that.

Just do it for godsakes!!! This isn't a popularity contest.





I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in the lie of doing things FOR making friends, instead of FOR ME.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do anything that is not aligned to doing it FOR ME.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stop myself when I DO THINGS FOR something Other than Myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing  myself TO not align EVERY THING I DO, to doing it FOR ME, and STOPPING AND CHANGING WHAT I DO TO REFLECT ALWAYS, DOING, LIVING, FOR ME.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do things for god.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do things for love
 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do things for being a good person
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do things for PEOPLE I KNOW
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do things for my dogs
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do things for my teachers
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do things for girls I had crushes on
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do things for girls/ women in general
 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do things for guys/ men in general
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do things for everyone
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do things for people
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do things for any one, or things, or concrete thing, or abstract concept, OTHER THAN MYSELF.

 When and as I SEE Myself- doing something for a reason other than myself, or not doing something that would be from the reason of FOR myself- I stop and I breathe- I realize that, for me, I need to live for me, and that to live for anything else, is a waste of my time, which is limited on this Earth - I realize that the things I believe I would receive from other people and things for living for them, is a lie as well, and are also meaningless, as all meaning is found in  ME, not in things that I can "receive" - I realize I am the most valuable thing in the universe, and that Self is the same gift that each thing in the universe can GIVE itself- I realize that there is nothing else more that I need other than myself.

I commit myself to in real time, stop participating in my habits that are acting from the reasons that are in my mind that is for things other than me, and to realign my actions to living/doing things for me.

I commit myself to walk my process until I am walking 100% FOR ME.

Like, OMG!

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Love and Relationships Day 161

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being alone.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not getting married.
I forgive mysel ffor acceptin and allowing myself to fear not having kids
I foribe mysel ffor accepting and allwing myself to fear not having  awife.
I forgive mysel ffor accepting and allowing myself to fear not meeting my soul mate.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself ot fear not meeting and getting with the perfect person for me.
I forgiv emyself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing the opportunity for the relationship that is meant or destined for me.
I forgiv emyself for accepting and allowing mysefl to believe in destiny and fate.
I forgive mysel for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as powerless because destiny and fate will decide my life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hope and desire for destiny and fate to exist so that I won't have to lose anything, or attempt to try to gain something, because all is already decided.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing things, or opportunities to gain something.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not having enough money to provide for my kids.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being able to provide the best for my kids and wife.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear doing irreversible harm to my wife or kids.


When and as I see myself- seeking a relationship, hoping or thinking about the perfect relationship - I stop and breathe- I realize that I don't need a relationship to be happy- I realize that relationships don't really give me anything, except an opportunity to get to know myself with another person, and that person - I realize that I will never be defined by the person I am with - I realize that no one can really harm me, that I am here always, that we are just physical- I realize that if I enter a relationship I will enter it for me - I realize that the purpose of human relationship of bringing children into this world is sacred, and must be respected and valued accordingly - I realize it takes a great amount of time and commitment to raise children, which is why two people are ideal rather than just one - I realize that the best relationship is one that is built and stands the test of time, and flourishes, grows, and opens up, like a tree, starting out like a seed, sprouting, and becoming sturdier and bigger throughout the years.

I commit myself to find self-happiness in living my commitments, who I am in my written and spoken words, and living in this world daily.
I commit myself to explore who I AM in relationships, my personalities, and characters, in writing, and testing, and realign myself in writing out self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements.
I commit myself to enter into a relationship when I am ready to explore who I am, test who I am, and to build something sturdy that can serve both of us well.

I commit myself to consider seriously whether bringing children into this world is something I would choose to do.
I commit myself to if I start a relationship to do it full out, to make it the best relationship ever, and hold nothing back.


So i saw a photo of two people. I felt, love, or a good feeling. It reminds me of a memory, where I was like that way with another person myself. It reminds me of how I used to feel when hugging people. Of the physical touch, warm, feel of the fabric, hearing their chest move with breathing, and feeling my own muscles relaxed yet steady. I could describe it many ways, feeling trust, security, comfort, at ease, relaxed, safe, protected, like everything is alright or perfect. But now having written these words, I begin to feel sad. I remember when my relationship ended. I am reminded of how it is not actually here, now. How it is lost. One of the realizations that I wrote in my previous blogs was how emotions and feelings are not separate from me, so they can never really be lost. I see that in my memory, this good feeling expects that there be someone I am hugging, someone I am loving, for it to exist, be here, and not be lost. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect that there be someone here in order for me to love and experience love as a feeling. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define love as a feeling as requiring another person, other than myself, for it to be present, here, and exist. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define love according to a hug. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define love according to a relationship. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit my definition of love, since, supposedely love is such a great thing, why limit it to something, and instead to include everything, every action, every thing. When and as I see myself experiencing love and so fear of loss - I stop and I breathe- i realize that love exists because i have limited love, or myself, to just a few things or actions, instead of all things and actions - I realize that limiting myself to a few things or actions creates fear - I realize that having a fixed perception, or name, or definition, or who I am, who YOgan, is limits me - I realize that I create myself with the definitions I have for myself, which creates a feeling and thought about who I am- I realize that I want to live without desires or expectations of me that are limited, instead of with desires that are unlimited, boundless, outside space and time- I commit myself to eliminate love by loving every action and thing I commit myself to include all things and actions into consideration I commit myself to eliminate fear by including all actions and things into consideration I xommit myself to be flexible, adaptable, and unfixed. I commit myself to not limit the definition of who I am, to limitations. I commit myself to have the highest expectations for me. - See more at: http://yoganjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2014/08/a-quest-for-understanding-part-1.html#.dpuf
So i saw a photo of two people. I felt, love, or a good feeling. It reminds me of a memory, where I was like that way with another person myself. It reminds me of how I used to feel when hugging people. Of the physical touch, warm, feel of the fabric, hearing their chest move with breathing, and feeling my own muscles relaxed yet steady. I could describe it many ways, feeling trust, security, comfort, at ease, relaxed, safe, protected, like everything is alright or perfect. But now having written these words, I begin to feel sad. I remember when my relationship ended. I am reminded of how it is not actually here, now. How it is lost. One of the realizations that I wrote in my previous blogs was how emotions and feelings are not separate from me, so they can never really be lost. I see that in my memory, this good feeling expects that there be someone I am hugging, someone I am loving, for it to exist, be here, and not be lost. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect that there be someone here in order for me to love and experience love as a feeling. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define love as a feeling as requiring another person, other than myself, for it to be present, here, and exist. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define love according to a hug. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define love according to a relationship. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit my definition of love, since, supposedely love is such a great thing, why limit it to something, and instead to include everything, every action, every thing. When and as I see myself experiencing love and so fear of loss - I stop and I breathe- i realize that love exists because i have limited love, or myself, to just a few things or actions, instead of all things and actions - I realize that limiting myself to a few things or actions creates fear - I realize that having a fixed perception, or name, or definition, or who I am, who YOgan, is limits me - I realize that I create myself with the definitions I have for myself, which creates a feeling and thought about who I am- I realize that I want to live without desires or expectations of me that are limited, instead of with desires that are unlimited, boundless, outside space and time- I commit myself to eliminate love by loving every action and thing I commit myself to include all things and actions into consideration I commit myself to eliminate fear by including all actions and things into consideration I xommit myself to be flexible, adaptable, and unfixed. I commit myself to not limit the definition of who I am, to limitations. I commit myself to have the highest expectations for me. - See more at: http://yoganjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2014/08/a-quest-for-understanding-part-1.html#.dpuf
So i saw a photo of two people. I felt, love, or a good feeling. It reminds me of a memory, where I was like that way with another person myself. It reminds me of how I used to feel when hugging people. Of the physical touch, warm, feel of the fabric, hearing their chest move with breathing, and feeling my own muscles relaxed yet steady. I could describe it many ways, feeling trust, security, comfort, at ease, relaxed, safe, protected, like everything is alright or perfect. But now having written these words, I begin to feel sad. I remember when my relationship ended. I am reminded of how it is not actually here, now. How it is lost. One of the realizations that I wrote in my previous blogs was how emotions and feelings are not separate from me, so they can never really be lost. I see that in my memory, this good feeling expects that there be someone I am hugging, someone I am loving, for it to exist, be here, and not be lost. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect that there be someone here in order for me to love and experience love as a feeling. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define love as a feeling as requiring another person, other than myself, for it to be present, here, and exist. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define love according to a hug. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define love according to a relationship. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit my definition of love, since, supposedely love is such a great thing, why limit it to something, and instead to include everything, every action, every thing. When and as I see myself experiencing love and so fear of loss - I stop and I breathe- i realize that love exists because i have limited love, or myself, to just a few things or actions, instead of all things and actions - I realize that limiting myself to a few things or actions creates fear - I realize that having a fixed perception, or name, or definition, or who I am, who YOgan, is limits me - I realize that I create myself with the definitions I have for myself, which creates a feeling and thought about who I am- I realize that I want to live without desires or expectations of me that are limited, instead of with desires that are unlimited, boundless, outside space and time- I commit myself to eliminate love by loving every action and thing I commit myself to include all things and actions into consideration I commit myself to eliminate fear by including all actions and things into consideration I xommit myself to be flexible, adaptable, and unfixed. I commit myself to not limit the definition of who I am, to limitations. I commit myself to have the highest expectations for me. - See more at: http://yoganjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2014/08/a-quest-for-understanding-part-1.html#.dpuf

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

A quest for understanding Part 1 -emotions and feelings Day 160

I finished up a series of blogs on humility. I suggest to check that out before reading this, if you wish to have a greater understanding of the context and the changes that are happening on a larger scale. You will however will be able to follow along anyway.

I ended the previous series of blogs on a point. This point was being present with my emotions and feelings. The practical application, thereof, is opening up something interesting. And I have questions, and seek answers. That is why I write tonight.

So there are two different moments I am experiencing. One is when there is a distinct voice, or thought I have, and I experience a feeling or emotion along with the thought. Another moment is one where I just experience a feeling, and its silent in my head, no thought.

I am curious as to why they are different. I admit they are different. In one I am taking a position, and my perception of the world changes, like I am clouded. The second one, I perceive what is here, and what I feel, without feeling like I am being pushed out of the way. The first one is more forceful and forces its way in. The second is just here, not really moving or going anywhere, not forcing me to stay or go, just present.

This could be the nature of positivity and negativity.

As with everything, Self-forgiveness will make things clearer.

So i saw a photo of two people. I felt, love, or a good feeling. It reminds me of a memory, where I was like that way with another person myself. It reminds me of how I used to feel when hugging people. Of the physical touch, warm, feel of the fabric, hearing their chest move with breathing, and feeling my own muscles relaxed yet steady. I could describe it many ways, feeling trust, security, comfort, at ease, relaxed, safe, protected, like everything is alright or perfect. But now having written these words, I begin to feel sad. I remember when my relationship ended. I am reminded of how it is not actually here, now. How it is lost. One of the realizations that I wrote in my previous blogs was how emotions and feelings are not separate from me, so they can never really be lost. I see that in my memory, this good feeling expects that there be someone I am hugging, someone I am loving, for it to exist, be here, and not be lost.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect that there be someone here in order for me to love and experience love as a feeling.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define love as a feeling as requiring another person, other than myself, for it to be present, here, and exist.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define love according to a hug.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define love according to a relationship.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit my definition of love, since, supposedely love is such a great thing, why limit it to something, and instead to include everything, every action, every thing.
When and as I see myself experiencing love and so fear of loss - I stop and I breathe- i realize that love exists because i have limited love, or myself, to just a few things or actions, instead of all things and actions - I realize that limiting myself to a few things or actions creates fear - I realize that having a fixed perception, or name, or definition, or who I am, who YOgan, is limits me - I realize that I create myself with the definitions I have for myself, which creates a feeling and thought about who I am- I realize that I want to live without desires or expectations of me that are limited, instead of with desires that are unlimited, boundless, outside space and time-
I commit myself to eliminate love by loving every action and thing
I commit myself to include all things and actions into consideration
I commit myself to eliminate fear by including all actions and things into consideration
I xommit myself to be flexible, adaptable, and unfixed.
I commit myself to not limit the definition of who I am, to limitations.
I commit myself to have the highest expectations for me.


More self-forgiveness, and self-correction, to arrive tomorrow.