Day 11 A little word called Love
This blog post may not be so great. The thing I worked on today involves my relationship with my mom, at an early age. She was my root, my connection to this world. She was my world, my sun, my everything. I felt like I connected to her, I felt understood, I felt I received attention. And when I was not with her I noticed the difference. When I started school, I notice most people, or really no one gave me that same attention and treated me that way. What I can observe now is that as I met people that actually in some way did give me attention and was nice and kind to me, I started really liking those people, having crushes on them, or just wanted to hug them. You have to understand that I felt so much love for my mom, then I would love to go up to her and hug her. And I related to some of my teachers this way.
But why is this?
Why feel this way?
Because what happens later is the relationship falls apart, where I start talking about things where she doesn't understand. I start seeing a future in places that she doesn't accept. And then the relationship is no more. Yet, I still continue to look for that same level of relationship with someone else. Hence all my crushes, and people I am attracted to, etc... I go after that same level of relationship, of closesness and connection.
Again, why?
Why do I like this or enjoy this?
What am I really living or contributing? Who am I within this?
As a child I didn't really understand points of justice, responsibility, and best for all. I only knew my mom. But points like justice, responsibility and best for all are more important than what you feel with a person or any person. If that person is not living responsibility, justice and best for all, then how can you really feel positive/good? Yet you do.
Our feelings are not tied to points like justice, responsibility and best for all. We don't, for example see a person who is doing what is best for all, and living what is responsible, and then all of a sudden swoon over them, and fall in love. We don't do that.
Instead what we do is that when we receive attention, when we become the center of someone else's world do we start swooning and falling in love. So right now, love, falling in love, and just love in general with anyone, is stupid. Stupid like it really leads to stupid outcomes that are harmful and not best for all outcome. It is a stupidity.
Does it feel good? Yes. Do you want to feel this way? Yes. Is it best for all? No.
I mean its pretty funny imagining people falling in love with other people because a person is living what is best for all. That actually may be little better. But at the same time, we get pretty stupid when we feel love, and we also are not being the creator of our lives or directors when feeling take over. I do suspect though that you can fuck with your own programming by point out all the ways what is best for all is not here within your supposed perfect partner.
It's like the mind wants to say, BUT look at all the wonderful things they do FOR ME!!! I mean yes that is how you get someone to fall in love, you serve them, and make them the center of your world. That is what parents do!
But that is not equality. In equality, there is no love. There is no specialness. There is you and them. Each equally living and being alive.
So in a real ideal world, there is Justice, Responsibility and what is best for all. Love is not a part of that picture.
Funny how Signmund Freud was sort of right. In how we look for partners like our parents. Because our parents is our first connection/relationship to the word Love.
The word love is a sham though because of all the harm and suffering caused because of Love. If you are really honest with yourself you will see it.
So what I am in the process doing is letting go of this layer of Love within me, which is like all these memories from childhood where I lived love intensely and also with some partners. I also notice that I am super depressed when I don't have that connection with someone, even as a child, just when I was not with my mom. So Love, actually shaped my entire life, where I have been mostly depressed me entire life, except moments where I spend with love ones. This is the true face of love, depression. Without love, you can just be yourself.
Love is not a solution it is actually creating the harm.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel love even though I can see it causes me harm.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel love even though it leads to depression.
I forgiv emyself for accepting and allowing myself to feel love even though I ignore all the bad, harmful things people do that I love.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make love okay and acceptable.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to harm others in the name of love.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to waste time pursing love.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Kill in the name of Love.
I forgive myself for Not accepting and allowing myself to see that love is Evol.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not care that I feel depressed most of the time as long as I get to feel love sometimes.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not care all the harms and troubles I cause myself for the sake of feeling love.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value Love over my Life.
When and as I see myself feeling love, I stop and I breathe- I realize that love is a feeling and just energy and not real- I realize that love is actually evil, and suffering and harm and depression- I realize that I don't need love- I realize that there is an entire life waiting for me outside of love- I realize that for me to truly live I need to drop love completely - I realize the true value of a person is how responsible they are, how just they are and how well they live what is best for all, and so what I feel for them is irrelevant.
I commit myself to stop all love in my life and start living as responsibility, best for all, and justice for all.
But why is this?
Why feel this way?
Because what happens later is the relationship falls apart, where I start talking about things where she doesn't understand. I start seeing a future in places that she doesn't accept. And then the relationship is no more. Yet, I still continue to look for that same level of relationship with someone else. Hence all my crushes, and people I am attracted to, etc... I go after that same level of relationship, of closesness and connection.
Again, why?
Why do I like this or enjoy this?
What am I really living or contributing? Who am I within this?
As a child I didn't really understand points of justice, responsibility, and best for all. I only knew my mom. But points like justice, responsibility and best for all are more important than what you feel with a person or any person. If that person is not living responsibility, justice and best for all, then how can you really feel positive/good? Yet you do.
Our feelings are not tied to points like justice, responsibility and best for all. We don't, for example see a person who is doing what is best for all, and living what is responsible, and then all of a sudden swoon over them, and fall in love. We don't do that.
Instead what we do is that when we receive attention, when we become the center of someone else's world do we start swooning and falling in love. So right now, love, falling in love, and just love in general with anyone, is stupid. Stupid like it really leads to stupid outcomes that are harmful and not best for all outcome. It is a stupidity.
Does it feel good? Yes. Do you want to feel this way? Yes. Is it best for all? No.
I mean its pretty funny imagining people falling in love with other people because a person is living what is best for all. That actually may be little better. But at the same time, we get pretty stupid when we feel love, and we also are not being the creator of our lives or directors when feeling take over. I do suspect though that you can fuck with your own programming by point out all the ways what is best for all is not here within your supposed perfect partner.
It's like the mind wants to say, BUT look at all the wonderful things they do FOR ME!!! I mean yes that is how you get someone to fall in love, you serve them, and make them the center of your world. That is what parents do!
But that is not equality. In equality, there is no love. There is no specialness. There is you and them. Each equally living and being alive.
So in a real ideal world, there is Justice, Responsibility and what is best for all. Love is not a part of that picture.
Funny how Signmund Freud was sort of right. In how we look for partners like our parents. Because our parents is our first connection/relationship to the word Love.
The word love is a sham though because of all the harm and suffering caused because of Love. If you are really honest with yourself you will see it.
So what I am in the process doing is letting go of this layer of Love within me, which is like all these memories from childhood where I lived love intensely and also with some partners. I also notice that I am super depressed when I don't have that connection with someone, even as a child, just when I was not with my mom. So Love, actually shaped my entire life, where I have been mostly depressed me entire life, except moments where I spend with love ones. This is the true face of love, depression. Without love, you can just be yourself.
Love is not a solution it is actually creating the harm.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel love even though I can see it causes me harm.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel love even though it leads to depression.
I forgiv emyself for accepting and allowing myself to feel love even though I ignore all the bad, harmful things people do that I love.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make love okay and acceptable.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to harm others in the name of love.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to waste time pursing love.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Kill in the name of Love.
I forgive myself for Not accepting and allowing myself to see that love is Evol.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not care that I feel depressed most of the time as long as I get to feel love sometimes.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not care all the harms and troubles I cause myself for the sake of feeling love.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value Love over my Life.
When and as I see myself feeling love, I stop and I breathe- I realize that love is a feeling and just energy and not real- I realize that love is actually evil, and suffering and harm and depression- I realize that I don't need love- I realize that there is an entire life waiting for me outside of love- I realize that for me to truly live I need to drop love completely - I realize the true value of a person is how responsible they are, how just they are and how well they live what is best for all, and so what I feel for them is irrelevant.
I commit myself to stop all love in my life and start living as responsibility, best for all, and justice for all.
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