“…simply make things better for someone else, as if I were to be born again, and that someone else, and it doesn't have to be me, but it could be someone like me, that they would have a better life than I had, that everyone was better. There is something seriously wrong with everyone, and that is something I observed when I was very young. We are the problem, and we need to become better, because we are fucking everything up.”
“So this is who I am. There is something seriously wrong with everyone and we need to fix it, if not for us, then for the future generations."
"Everything I have done in this life, and everything I will do, is for this purpose.”

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

From Reacting to Myself to Knowing Myself 314

I was listening to someone's story about a situation and it reminded me of a mistake I did. Now, there is no way for me to know whether the person is making the same mistake as me. Why that is is because it really has to do with self-honesty, which requires the person seeing/assessing what her situation and who she is within that. So what she shared with me could be completely the case. And that case is that she is facing resistance to doing something. But there is a reactive response that I faced with resistance, throughout my life. That is that I have placed myself in the situations that I would face the most resistance, or that were very difficult and challenging. So this mentality and idea, belief, and desire that it is always good and best to put myself in a situation where I will face resistance, challenge and difficulty, is false. Why that is I can explain with examples.

So the first example is that I wanted to be a philosophy major. I had different reasons why I wanted to study philosophy. What I found though that when I took the classes, is that they were too difficult for me. I couldn't keep up. The reading material was too much for my reading ability, and so I was constantly behind and in the dark. I was stubborn and stuck to it. English and writing isn't my specialty, mathematics and logic was my strengths. But thanks to who I accepted and allowed myself to be, I threw my whole life into the most challenging points, into my weaknesses. Thankfully I did switch to psychology when I was honest with myself that it is too difficult and that it wouldn't practically serve my life. Now psychology too, isn't aligned with my strengths, it is like philosophy, more aligned with my interests. So what I lived as seeking out the most challenging situations and placing myself where I faced resistance is an interest of mine. It wasn't a decision on what is best for me and everyone, or what will produce results.

My second example is when relationships. I wanted to be someone who was my opposite. I believed that opposites attract. So I looked for a girl that was loud, talkative, expressive. The more differences that we had the better. This was the same point, of wanting to grow, of facing resistance, and learning from another. I am not like this as a person. I am what people considered introverted. I would observe people, and I did have fears about social situations, but most people have that. I would like to talk about deep subjects, and analyze the word in an attempt to understand it. I wasn't into superficial points at all. So instead of finding someone who was similar to me, I was attracted to people the opposite of me. There was always a disconnect in my relationship. There was an excitement and a rush, but when it came to deep points, like having deep conversation, there was a mismatch. If I would have been with someone who was like me, that we could have enjoyable conversations, share perspectives, look at the world, analyze it together, and come up with solutions. Instead I had an emotional mess with silly arguments that I know were just a waste of my time.

So we have covered relationships, and education/career. What else is there? So I mean, in my life, even though I was really smart and had a lot of success, I had also severely limited myself. I could have achieved so much more, and had so much more, if I had focused on what I was good at, and going very far with that, and as well as who I am as a person. I mean, I can see clearly that the reason why I placed myself in situations where I had the most resistance was because I felt inferior in the things I was good at and how I was. I was mostly different than everyone around me. No one was good at math, I was the best in my classes, and that's a fact. Almost no one was organized, or cared about grades, or school or learning.  I actually enjoyed following everything. What I didn't like was being alone and the only one and being seen as strange/weird. And also not being able to relate to anyone else. I ended up not liking myself and wanting to be the complete opposite of who I am. And this was also thanks to everyone's comments about me, which I took personally. So I did develop a hate towards everyone and a superiority complex. I mean yes, with all reactions aside, there is something wrong with everyone else, because they can't see something as different and simply accept it for what it is. They instead place either a positive or negative label, whichever suits them within their self-definition.

So everything I have lived and done so far was to match those labels, to become whatever information I received from my outside world about what the perfect human being is. Something that is sociable, smart, capable, fearless, perfect, beautiful, friendly, kind, nice etc... In reality, is there anyone on the planet right now that is always like this and always will be like this, in any moment or situation? I mean fear alone would disprove that. And no one is capable at ALL things. And there are different ways to relate to other socially. And we all will make mistakes. And the appearance about the body will change, and what is considered as beautiful would change. And there are moments where yes you may be friendly, nice or kind, but there are plenty of other moments where you take on completely different expressions. So what is considered perfect is false.

So this tendency of simply placing yourself in difficult, challenging situations, to face resistance in an attempt to become one idea of perfection that is false when you look at it with self-honesty, is compromising you. Trying to change who you are so completely and drastically is one flag point that you are not self-honest about who you are as a person, what you are good at, what you can give to others, the world with your talents and abilities, and presence. The who you are as a person, has been suppressed by you. So this desire to change into someone else that is basically the opposite of you, isn't a decision about becoming better or more, but instead a reaction to who you are, and in a way trying to erase the past, erase who you are, and trying to become someone else in a new life. But the point that is missed is that you are one person, and you have only one life. And as that person, yes you do have faults, evidently, as you are believing that all of you is invalid and worthless. But you do have things that you can give to others. The problem in my life is that I gave up too early, where the people around me, yes were reacting to me, and were not ready for the gifts I have, but there are many more people out there in the world, and things change with time. So to essence, never give up, because there will always be someone new that you will meet. In a planet this large, you can bet on that. And even if no one out there can relate or understand you, then at least be true to myself by stop the reaction to myself.

So we are essentially in this blog clarifying what it means to face resistance/challenges. That simply facing a resistance/challenge does not indicate anything. The same with change and becoming more/better. These points can both be a self-dishonest or self-honest movement. The key is really whether you are reacting to yourself or have accepted yourself. That one point will determine your experience.

So this would mean that you could look at yourself in the mirror, in your memories, and not react. That would be acceptance. That when you are moving, talking, living that you don't react to yourself.

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