Parties, people, noise, commotion 320

So in line with the recent posts and audio recordings, I am continuing with this topic of being overly agitated/activated/energetic. Now, like I had shared, many thing throughout my day activate/trigger me into this hyped up state. So on this topic alone I could write many blogs. Today's blog will be able social situations and gatherings, because today I faced this point. Now I have to be specific about the context here. So basically in a moment/middle of a conversation that is flowing, meaning that you speak and others respond to what you say, and in that moment you can respond to what they said in response. So this excludes moments where conversations don't flow or they drop flat, or they don't move. And in situations where there are no conversations, like everyone is sitting nearby one and another and not interacting. So that's the context.

So in this moment, I become energetic, excited, motivated. This turned on like a light switch and energetic state. I am becoming familiar with this now, as one tell tale sign is that I crave sugar then, or I could easily gobble up something tasty or delicious very quickly. And my thoughts, and words move very quickly. And this is on a physical level meaning that I feel it within my arms and legs, and general experience. It is a strain/stress on my body to move in this way, that is for sure. And so this one reliable trigger.

In my memories everytime I have been in a similar social situation, I do become this way, turned on like a light switch. The conversation is moving, they are responding to what I am saying, so I have things to say now! So those things I want to say then come up in this energetic/activated/adrenaline way. And of course, now that I am being so frank, that if the conversation turns into an argument, Man you got to watch out for me, because I will argue, intensely, and I will share my point of view. And yes in the past I have had held myself back, sometimes, other times not. And I feel the energy like a surge rising up within me, from the bottom depths into my upper body and head area, circulating now, ready for battle, ready to share my point of view. And ready to retaliate and respond to any objection.

Because in arguments too, people are responding to you, the conversation is flowing, just not really what is best, and not really in control and in awareness of what I am saying and how I am saying it, and whether the person is actually getting me, and I them.

Another dimension, a similar one, is the teacher talk, where you share your point of view as a preacher, educating the ignorant friends/people. That I have done, and it also becomes an excitement to share, to teach, to impart great and correct knowledge to those who lack it and they surely will be grateful. So that too can be imbalance, where even within my speech I make myself seem so right, and so knowing, and of course anyone can plainly see through that ruse. So it is like where you point of view becomes a fact, when its not, especially in this world where knowledge is limited to human error, opinion, belief, desires, emotions, etc... So, it's best to be honest, which means automatically humility.

So in the above ONE context, but with 3 different responses, being excited, argumentative, or preaching, which intermingle and are similar, that it is interesting to observe how a physical change automatically happens, meaning that in the presence of this context, that without me doing or moving in any particular way or direction, that my heart rate increases, that I feel the energy rising, that I become fidgety and losing control of some movements where I find myself just moving in some certain ways, including in speech words, movements. I mean basically I am describing what someone goes through when they drink alcohol and get drunk, meaning that they lose the ability to stop, and so just keep going going going and moving moving moving, with whatever comes up. They get activated and turned on like a light switch. Now I don't stumble and fall, but I do have less awareness on my body. Another clear example is little kids on a sugar rush. So for me, this just happens in presence of this social situation. And yes for me, I have thought over and over again, since a very young age, how much i would like to engage socially with people to have best friends, friends to hangout with. So yes this was something I in my mind desired and thought about constantly, and fantasize about.

So when I am in that context, all those memories, and thoughts, and what I imagined and pictured would come up, I would get a range of feelings, and I would be high like on a drug, except without the drug. How I was, how I appeared, how I presented myself, what I did, changed in that moment in that context. And this I have observed and seen many times, especially in University where I had more chances to participate and engage with people in this way. And of course, I was never satisfied, my desire hasn't been satisfied. To tell you truth, I don't think its possible to have such a deep connection with any person where you truly understand them or know them. Because that would take so many years upon years that you would have to know levels of them and have access that is probably not even possible at least with our physical senses right now. We are limited mainly to words and interpretation. So really, honestly, there is only one person that you have complete access to, or at least have potential access to,  on all levels and that is yourself. So practically, the connection that I want with others, isn't possible. That same level of connection is possible, but with myself. That is the situation. And intuitively, you will have more access to and understanding of other people through getting to know yourself more and more deeply.

 The other side of the coin is that you learn more about yourself through other people. And while that deep and connection and understanding won't be with other people, they will be invaluable in getting access to and understanding of yourself. So things are not what they are expected to be... they are in reverse.