Tuesday, March 24, 2020

Day 814 Let it be Me

So yesterdays blog was the intro for these series of blog covering this mind personality. https://yoganjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2020/03/day-813-dastardly-secret.html
Today I'm going to start with the walking through the detail of the programming. So less fun description and more breaking down the exact programming.

The overarching theme here is enjoyment that is bad. Like laughing at someone else's pain. Bullying others. Being happy when others lose.

So the following memories are such moments:

Stealing a bottle of bubbles from a fellow student in the 1st grade who won it for some achievement. I saw he was quite happy receiving it. I grabbed it and placed it in my bag. I could see he was sad/upset about it missing. The teacher tasked some students to search the desks/room for it. When they approached my desk, I said go ahead and search everything I have nothing to hide, and kind of did this motion of raising my arms and then crossing it over my chest. I felt a sense of joy/pride in saying that, even a sense of excitement to be lying and being so bold and over the top with my statement. I had no idea that they wouldn't search my bag, I don't know how or why I thought I would have gotten away with it, I just acted in that instant.

Later at home I showed my brother the bottle and told him that I stole it. I feel fear now in telling this story, which is the point of suppression. I hid the memory away and especially the point that I felt happy, excitement in doing something I am not supposed to. I similarly stole something else in a summer camp. I only stole a few times, but that doesn't excuse what I did. Though because it was so infrequent, it wasn't a point I considered a pattern or a big deal. Because I wasn't stealing now or in my adult life. It felt like something took over that moment and it was very specific to those moments. I can't explain it.

There is a story my parent told me that my brother and cousin were annoying me and I had taken their heads and hit them together. And they told me that story with pride of me. Though now I can see the remants of that memory from my perspective, and I see I did it just because. I walked up behind them, grabbed their heads and hit them together. They were not provoking me in that moment. I did it out of the blue. They started to cry. We were quite young, maybe 4-5. I didn't feel bad at all, I felt good, right, and fun to get away with it. I feel like I did it because I knew I would get away with it. This is a similar themes in a lot of things I did like this: bad things that I could get away with.

When I was in the elementary school, our music teacher had us sing happy birthday as an audition to the choir. I sang it, and he said it was very good, and he asked me if I would like to join the choir and I said no. And I remember how I was smiling or happy in saying no. Like the act of turning him down, and the thought that he wanted me to join. Logically and rationally I was telling myself that I couldn't join because I had to study and get good grades, but emotionally I could see that I felt good. So that was my secret reason and motivation. And it is a point of self-sabotage, because I am turning down opportunities while feeling good doing so because I like turning people down.

There was a crush I had for like 2-3 years in middle school and she called me telling that she knew that I liked her and I basically rejected her. She said she knew I liked her and I cut her off in mid-sentence and said that I thought that in a few years she would mature and that we could go out. Rationally in my head I told myself and kept telling myself over the last years of my life that I did it because I was too scared of her rejection, which may be partly a factor, but here I can see I did enjoy rejecting her. I enjoyed being the one to tell her no.

I remember when I long time friend had called me, I was 14 or 15 and we hadn't talked in a few years, and I was very rude, he said something and I just responded out of the blue in this nasty way. I liked it. It sounded like a character, it sounded like it wasn't me.

I could keep going for a while with these memories. So I am going to work with these first.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to steal something from someone else cause I could see how happy it makes them, and I knew if I took it they will be upset.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enjoy stealing something and getting away with it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enjoy abusing other's belief that i am a good boy and so they wouldn't suspect me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enjoy having the power over others emotions/feelings by knowing what will trigger them, and then doing it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear speaking the truth of what I felt and what I did, and seeing and living the truth here with me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress the past and the memories of what I did and what I felt.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel excitement and fun from triggering someone else's emotions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel pride in being regarded as an angel and a good boy by my parent.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hurt my brother and cousin because I knew I would get away with it, and my caregivers would see me as defending myself out of retaliation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel good, right, and fun as energy when I hit the heads of my brother and cousin together, and get away with it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to smile when I told my music teacher that no, when he asked me if I would join the choir.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel happy and important when I am offered something and to feel even happier when I reject it/turn it down.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel happy/exhilarated to think they want me to join and that they will sad if I don't, and that I turn them down anyway.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use rationality and reasons to hide that what i am feeling and what my motivations are in rejecting others and opportunities, and so creating a pattern of self-abuse.

Why do I feel good doing these things?
Why do I feel good telling my music teacher no?
Why do I feel good in stealing the bubbles?
Why do I feel good hitting the heads of my brother and cousin?
I remember liking showing my brother the bubbles I stole. I felt pride in acquiring it, getting it and using it. I liked bubbles. I didn't want to change my schedule of my life by joining the choir, I wanted everything to stay the same. I like hurting my brother and cousin and getting revenge on them from the past. I acted on my desires. I followed my heart's desire. I didn't compromise. I wasn't doing something I didn't want to. I did exactly what I wanted to.

There is something pure and real there, because my smile and happiness is in a sense, real. 

So what I have to sort out is what I want. And honor that point.

So what I am thinkign here is I do have like this desire system or want sysem where its all the stuff I want, right? So I then go after it and do it. SO that doing it is a system. ANd so I have been suppressing that entire point, so I have suppressing as well going after what I want.

And instead I should have just been editing and focusing on what I want and editing that and changing that, not just suppressing the entire thing out of guilt. And so I basically been caring around the desires of a 7 year old or whatever, of a child.

That is my theory.

I took a break from writing for an hour, and I attempted to access and live my desires that I had from 7 years old. To play around, to enjoy life, to prank, to laugh, to enjoy the moment, and I was able to do it. I haven't been happy for the last year. And so being able to do that means something to me. So I think this is it. And when I looked into my eyes they look normal. So I need to access and live my happiness, and sort out this point. Remove the point where happiness is basically corrupted, and feeling happy about the wrong things or abusive things. I need to reclaim myself.

So I think my theory was right, sort of. It is important to have happiness in your life, that is part of living, having fun is part of the balance of Life. And it showed in my eyes.

This system I have been living with has corrupted happiness. Its my job to fix it. Its my job to own it. Its my job to create balance again. No more secrets, no more suppression. Just let it only be me.

I want a world where every child is completely supported and empowered. I want a world where we can step outside and every person you meet is living their full expression and you can join with them in expression. I want a world where everyone is taking responsibility for themselves and we can join together in both work/responsibility and in play/fun expression. I want to have those who are willing and ready to work towards this goal, towards creating this world by being the example themselves of people willing to give/work and willing to play/express. To be that responsible adult as well as be a playful/expressive child, because that is what is needed= balance, because how else are you going to lead others into balance.

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