What does it mean to have fun?

So recently someone pointed out how I don't have fun in my daily life. So for the past three weeks I have been testing out what is fun for me. Today, though, I have reflected on the point of when did I have the most amount of fun? When was I mostly happy? The answer is when I was a child, before I was like 6 years old. So why is this? What is the difference between then and now when it comes to fun and enjoying myself?

At that age I didn't have the self-judgments I have now. I can see right now how I can potentially act and speak, where I would be oozing fun within me and completely enjoying this moment. But I know that if I do that, people make comments and say things about me. At least that is what happened, and why I stopped.

For example, I could go running in a zigzag snake movement in the part, throwing my hands in the air, jumping, frolicking, skipping, swinging on trees, laughing, rolling on the grass, tumbling, looking at the sky and clouds being completely still, climbing over a fence, standing on the swing seat, making a sand structure, making a house out of sticks and leaves like a wood cabin.

I could do that, I have done that. Though to be an adult male who does that in a public park. That draws eyes and attention. People may think you are crazy, they may fear for their children's safety. They may call the cops.

That is what I face here, now, within me, within this world.

I don't see anyone else doing what I would be doing, adult or child. That is what I see immediately here at the park by my house. It's like we have become organized in our fun, structured in our fun. Where we have fun only if we play baseball. Or only basketball, or you can only use the swing in one way, you can only play in the playground, you can only play tennis in the tennis court. It's like everything has become structured and placed in its perfect picture frame like we are acting out a movie script on how a park is supposed to look. The parents all sit in benches exhausted, and tirelessly watching for danger.

So if I do what I want to do, I would be the only one or the first one.

"Why can't you be normal?"
"Why can't you be relaxed and calm?"
"Why can't you be like the other kids?"

These words are within me.

I don't know where to go from here. I can secretly have my fun, hidden away from the eyes of people. That would be for me, and I could easily do that behind closed doors. At the very least I have to do this, for me, for my sake, for my sanity. I don't know about the world out there. I know what I have experienced. I know there are people pushing for the same thing. But its not normal, or the norm. I don't know. But for now, with me, this is what I will do by myself.