No More

I am a feminine man. I like to sit in the garden and just be there and watch. I like to dance while walking. I like moving in slow motion, gracefully. I like being happy while doing things. I like wearing clothes I like, that are soft for my skin. I like playing with my long hair. I wish it was sociably acceptable to wear skirts because I like the breeze between the legs. I like being gentle. I like being playful and soft. I like being attentive and careful. I like watching out for and watching over something or someone, caring for them particularly children, animals or plants. I like making the environment for them where they can expand and grow best. I like placing myself in their shoes to see what they would like, or pretending to be like them. I am very much like a woman in many ways of how I am. I notice my dad is similar too. As well as my brother and my cousin. That there is a gentleness in all of us males in our family. I can't speak for them of course, but in comparison to others this is what I see. I have been asked if I was gay by different people. I know for sure I am not attracted to males, and I am attracted to females. Though I am like a woman. I like my male body, I feel comfortable with it. I wouldn't mind being a female, at least I think so. More so because I like the ability to accessorize with the hair, the clothes, makeup which is much more colorful and varied than what men have. I can't say I know what having boobs or vagina would feel like.

If my responsibility was to only watch over animals, pets everyday for the rest of my life I would be happy. The same with kids and plants. If I had to be graceful, smooth, gentle everyday to everyone, it would difficult to the ones that I don't like: which are the ones that are harsh, mean, judgmental, attackative, aggressive. Though never yelling, getting angry or becoming aggressive: I can do that for sure. It's being kind to someone unkind that is difficult. Though with the people I like and enjoy I would gladly be soft, gentle, caring towards them.

I don't see any problem myself to be a man and speak softly gently. To say hi in a soft sweet kind way. To be gentle, to be caring, to be soft, to be friendly.

I know that there are words or rhetoric that would call a man that is feminine as weak, as having no backbone. Yet if this is true then it is calling all women weak for being feminine, which is idiotic to say the least. There is a power in the feminine, just as their is power in the masculine.

Personally, the masculine way is too harsh for me. This may be a judgment. My first instinctual view of masculine is that it is rough, tough, harsh, mean, aggressive, violent. I would instinctively stay away from that. I wouldn't associate myself with boy groups. The male friends I did have were gentle and kind. Any male that acted aggressively I would immediately not like. I would always hangout with female groups if possible. I wouldn't talk much, and being in their presence was nicer as they were accepting and kind.

I have trouble standing up for myself especially towards aggressive people. I usually don't say anything and just stay away if I can.

I have believed that I needed to become more male and more aggressive within my approach to life because I saw who I was as a problem, because I am not able to associate well with people for being too feminine. I found that being aggressive is just being aggressive and just sucks both for other people and myself. And I am finding that the best thing is to just be myself, which is feminine, and to more or less wait for the right people to hangout with, because I accept myself and other people need to too. Otherwise people will only be faced with a self that isn't me. If they end up accepting that, it's still not accepting me, so it doesn't matter.

I don't have any friends. I don't have anyone that knows me intimately, that knows my life, my history, my experiences. The only person I have like that is me. The closest people I have besides me would be my mother and father. Most people that I have associated with or talked too, the point of sharing deeply never happened. Even though I wanted to. I didn't accept who I am. I couldn't share or open myself up fully because I didn't accept myself. I was ashamed of being feminine, kind, caring, gentle. To be a male and to have feminine qualities. So I was quiet, reserved, "shy."  Yet I would try and I did try showing who I am, being myself which couldn't help but come through. Though to talk about it was a taboo for me. In my head, I didn't accept who I am. And this partly because I felt or believed others wouldn't accept me. So that's why I embarked on a great crusade to fix me and change me---- to change from being feminine, kind, soft, quiet, reserved. I didn't see until now, that this wasn't the change I needed to make. I needed to accept me, to stop the self-attack rhetoric, the self fighting, self judgment.

So no more harshness. No more self-fighting. No more fighting.