Day 702 Fear from my Past Relationships

From my past relationships with women...

I am afraid of saying or doing something in the heat of the moment and regretting it…

I am afraid of doing or saying something I can’t take back…

...I accept the worst of me and the worst that I can do. I accept that it can happen. I accept that it can happen that I do say something that makes the relationships irreparable, that ends it, I can that accept that I can be saying right now as I caught myself saying it. I can accept that I just said/done such a thing.I can accept that I just lived the worst of me. I can accept what is happening right now. I can forgive myself for doing that. I can forgive myself even though there is a consequence that no self-forgiveness or self-change can undo. I can forgive myself even though the consequence is permanent. I can forgive myself wholly/fully. I forgive myself not for the purpose of undoing consequence, but because I did that, I created that consequence, and I accept that I did that.... I take responsibility.

Accepting that I did something, the worst of me, is the first step in taking self-responsibility and self-change, and accepting that in the face of irreparable consequence is the first step to freedom. And forgiving myself for doing the worst of me, I do that for me, I really forgive me for doing that no matter what may be transpiring now as a consequence to what I did.

I can accept that in some future moment I can do such a thing, it is possible, and if I do, I do accept that I just did it and/or doing it now, and I can forgive myself for that, and I do it wholly for me. I can accept that I can create irreparable consequence, permanent consequence in the future with my words and actions. I won't live in fear of that...

From my past relationships with women...

I am afraid of saying or doing something in the heat of the moment and regretting it…

I am afraid of doing or saying something I can’t take back…

I can accept what is here. I can accept the worst of me, and work with what is here, and what the consequence is. I accept it. I accept what I can do in the future. I accept what I did in the past. 

I take responsibility for whatever I say or do, or will say or will do. And I accept any consequence/result. I obviously won't be trying to create consequence.... but I accept any/all that do and will happen.

As long as I stick to this, then I have nothing to fear in what I might say, or might do and any consequences of that.  

I accept the reality of the moment and all that is in it. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear saying something stupid.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear accepting that I said something stupid.  

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear accepting the consequence from doing something stupid. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in fear of starting a new relationship, to fear saying something stupid in the most intimate and vulnerable of moments.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear saying or doing something that causes a person to break up with me. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the potential of starting a relationship because it opens up the potential to be broken up with. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to at very beginning of a real possibility of a relationship, to expect rejection, expect failure, expect difficulty, an uphill battle, resistance and just not being wanted around.... all because of holding onto my past within me. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel doomed to repeat my past.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be naturally me, not naturally expressive, and to exist within suppression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel embarrassed talking about such points as a potential of a new relationship.

And I change me here, now so that I won't freakout with the potential of any new relationship that may come my way. I change for me and others.

I am not bound my past. I choose to live here, be here, and be who I am, and see where life leads me. If life leads me to a potential partner then I will explore the point. If it doesn't then it doesn't. But I won't be defined by my past any longer.