Your Darkest Secrets. Why everyone fears the dark... Day177

When I first saw her in Hume Class, she reminded me of me. Quiet, observing, making specific comments, within a slight fear or trepidation of what others would say.

I resist her, why?

Does she remind me of me, and I don’t like who/how I am? Do I have judgments towards people who are quiet, not outspoken? Yes, definitely. I always viewed quiet people as somewhat inferior or incapable, even though I was quiet. Because I wished to be more outspoken, I was attracted to people outspoken.

Every time  saw a quiet person I have a negative reaction. Fear. Fear of being friends and associating with a quiet person. Fear of being seen with a quiet person. Fear of people telling me and pointing out how we are both quiet. Fear of being labeled and judged. Fear of being labeled and judged as being quiet. “I don’t wish to be quiet anymore.”

Throughout my whole life people have called me quiet, and started to get to know me by asking me, as the first thing they said to me,

 why are you so quiet? ANd what could I say to that. “I don’t know,” which by saying that I am admitting and accepting that I am quiet, that quiet is part of who I am. 

Quiet is the state of no sound, not speaking. Am I always quiet? No of course not. But I choose to speak. It’s a choice, done consciously. I am conscious of what I say, and when I say it, and how I say it. I have been fighting being quiet, so I have in fact been fighting with speaking consciously. That is why I am having so much trouble in my life with everyone and having difficulty in all of my human relationships. Because of this judgment I am having of myself.

I choose to accept everyone’s statement, why are you so quiet, as a mere indication that they may be reacting, enjoying, or responding in some way to my silence, as they are obviously noting it. When a person is not speaking, that is the definition of being quiet. Furthermore, there is no human being on earth where the singular word ‘quiet’ describes the totality of who they are, as that would literally mean they make no sounds, not laughter, not words, not even a grunt. People may be laconic, which means speaking with few words, or be terse, though that doesn’t mean they are like that within every context. In fact, if you observe people, everyone reacts and responds according to the environment they are in, which changes readily and constantly. So calling myself or another person as quiet, would be the same as calling anyone “loud” “fat” “ugly” “energetic” “happy” “sad” “aware” “careful” “impatient” because all these things are usually contextual, as we all experience, and believe ourselves to live such words in one point or another during our lives. To call and believe something to be an absolute statement (or judgment) when its contextual, which most things are, is a lie, or a misrepresentation of reality. What I have learned growing up is that one must take time and make careful observations if one wishes to get to the truth. So any experience of emotion is often moving quickly to possess you and is accepted so readily, when really this is not living up to the principle of being aware of what is true or real, as no observations were made of one’s emotions, which does take time.  I see this as my key flaw and reason as to why this consequence occurred, because I accepted my emotion of inferiority within saying/responding “I don’t know why I am quiet.” If I had questioned that emotion I would be a radically different person. 

I honestly feel fine now, and see what is true, and no longer see and believe in the lies inherent within all judgements of men and women. I no longer accept such emotions of inferiority within when I speak or when I am making no audible sounds. I do forgiveness now because it feels great, to feel actually releasing, and forgiving myself for having done this to myself, instead of questioning originally. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing anything harmful within me, which feeling inferior, is a harmful feeling, which I felt in moments where I would be told that I am quiet, and where I responded I didn't know why I am quiet. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attack me, as being quiet, as something I saw inherent to who I am, and required to be radically changed, when really it didn't need to change, and I was in fact stronger for being quiet as I was more aware of everything. 

 I realize humans are not aware of the benefits of being quiet, because they themselves have not lived quiet sufficiently, or they already judged that part of themselves, like I did, and this is said within awareness that every person is capable of being silent, and aware of everything. So I need to take greater responsibility for I do have a greater awareness of what is happening, so as to not cast blame or expect people to understand as that would require an awareness that they have not yet achieved, and that if people respond negatively to me within judgment, it is because they did not know. Just like with Jesus on the cross, "forgive them father for they do not know what they do." I realize too how alone I am within this, and how absolute I must stand within what I am saying here, because when I speak, people judge, and have not acquired that patience to listen. So I cannot trust other people, unless they listen and have patience. Even then, I must always take what they say into myself, reflect on it, and see if it holds any truth according to my life experience. So that people never convince me of anything, only I take and test information within myself. I admit publicly, people have pushed onto me statements, which I accepted in trust of them, because of their position, and attention and respect received by other people. What is best for all is not determined by how popular it is, or who agrees with it. What is best for all is what is best for all. So,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to listen to another person because they are well respected, and well experienced, and have a position of authority. 

I realize too how I had questioned this person, and how the information didn't assimilate with her. In other words, she couldn't listen. So I realize too how I can't hold that against her, and that leaving her presence, was best as it only makes sense to work with people that can listen. Within this, I needed time as I had for too long been receiving her statements as truths. I of course could associate with her, but it wouldn't make sense because I wish to open up myself fully and if that involves another person, they need to be receptive and open to that. I see that I am stable enough within my awareness of myself to guide myself out, without a person reviewing everything I write. I realize that I might be much more aware than many people, and so I need to take a position of authority myself, so that I can correct where this person couldn't and show others the way.

A person reading this, who hasn't met me, may see this as strange. However, many people I have met have seen what I have to offer, I just didn't want to see it myself. It's ironic that the greatest thing I have to share with the world is the same thing I was trying to change, stop, or suppress. I see this reaction as a preprogramming, however I of course was present the whole time in each moment. It was a mistake, plain and simple. When we sin, we forgive, that's the only way forward for all of us.

There is no superiority, and there is no inferiority. We just experience sensations in our bodies that we have defined in polarities, and define ourselves by the words we give to these sensations. So again, there is no inferiority or superiority. Nothing and no one is superior or inferior to anyone else. Even a person that is evil, is not inferior, as evil also doesn't exist. Even a person that is pure good isn't superior, as good doesn't exist. All that exists are people, that's it. All one and all equal. The only thing we can aspire to be and live, is that which is best for each and every single one of us, for we are all that exist. There is nothing higher to aspire, for that is quantifiably the most one can do. 

I forgive myself to call, see, perceive, any part of me as evil or good, instead of just being what it is, itself, a part of me, that is here in this moment always. 

I forgive myself for cursing others, and wishing violence, and misfortune onto others.

I forgive myself for not accepting myself completely in this moment as how I exist as and who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist what any person says ever. 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to give myself freedom as a freedom from conditioning, which is the mind, which are learned habits and responded acted unconsciously, or without awareness, instead of living each moment, my whole physical body in awareness and direct movement.