A Rod in the Ground, Day 171

Two or more in my name,
the last two characters I wrote, the Justice Character and the Mourning Character, along with the Prideful character that I wrote in my personal writings (not published), are interconnected in some way (I "know" what this is but Im holding it back to give background first)

"the mind suppresses my being"
When I am with a particular someone, a sibling, I react and trigger a certain way. I recognize I react in a similar way to a Buddy I was working with.

I listened to the Sibling Rivalry interview, which assisted me in understand some dimensions.

I recognize that I am suppressing my being or that my being is suppressed by the mind. I am reacting in a particular way, a suppression. I describe this suppression in the following way, everything is quiet, but like a forced quiet, maybe like a chocking. I need to focus on myself to experience what is actually here. Its like a withdrawal into a shell. I am a Cancer, in astrology. Someone explained to me, my mother I believe, that the Cancer animal is a Crab, and that people with that sign withdraw within themselves. Whether that I do that because of when I was born, is another question, but I recognize that I do do that. But more specifically it is a suppression of my being. I am beginning to recognize and see what "my being" is. I have been suppressing for much of my life so it is slightly difficult to see the moments where I am not suppressed. It just takes some time. I recognize I allow myself to be shocked by things and so that leading to a retreat within myself.

I recognize that my Justice character is a form of suppression. When I am acting for Justice, it is not who I would really act as, if I was not triggered. Perhaps all characters are just ways the mind suppresses us, it seems that it could be so. The prideful character, I am seeking validation so it is also someone I would not be, if I was not triggered. And the same person who I would be if I was not triggered in either of the two characters, is the same. I would just be here. I recognize that as this person I would express in different ways depending on what is here, but it is more on a practical point, like how could I express with this thing that is now here, not based on energy building up to acting the same way each time. This person is actually not completely predictable as characters are. You can't be spontaneous while experiencing energy, because you always seek for that which gives more energy which isn't spontaneity but is predictable.

My being, myself.
Me, who I am.
My being isn't a character, I can't define it like I would a character.

I suppress myself with energy.

So I sang some of the robot virgins and other desteni songs outloud on camera, to bring myself out. I saw myself in moments I was singing where I was really being here and singing, and that involved stopping/slowing down the energy and be aware of the physical, and stand within myself, and it in a way it was like pushing down on the mind or energy, to slow it down and give myself space to be here.

A fly was crawling on my eye lid, and looking back on what I wrote.... I wasn't really here in the act of writing. 

Im just focusing o myself right now. One reason I am writing this is because I listened to an interview by Bernard and reacted, and one thing he said was how resistance, pain, is a gift, and there is change about to happen if one pushes through. Right now I am pushing to see myself, my real self. I realize it is an assumption that this "real self" even exists, because isn't all that exist already here. So this that is me, that I have been working with this whole time is me, is the "real me", which real in this context is not something special or divine, it is what it is.

I notice I react quite frequently to the tonality of someone's voice.

When I see someone else, or my own memories, I am seeing just the potential of what I can be, not what I am now. But I can practice, live and push this change, which I have already started through singing, and in writing in the way I am now.

I realize that we are intuitively able to learn new words, such as self-honesty and self-forgiveness, granted it takes time, and there may be mistakes, but we are capable of that, living those words.

My being.

My brother said some things to me. And I felt bad. I don't want to look at the point, but it doesn't matter because I will. My brother was complaining to me about my breath smelled, and was talking to me as if I should have plan and seen the consequence of not brushing my teeth, and so I failed. Which, everything he said is true, but his attitude. You can tell he doesn't really care for me. That its really something for him, within getting angry and complaining. After listening to the sibling rivalry, I can say my brother holds resentment and anger towards me. He has been competing with me. I have feared him getting violent and angry, and I realize that the less I participate openly with his anger, the more angry he gets, to provoke a response. When I become quiet, I feel suppressed. This is a lie. I actually feel happy that he's angry with me. Because it is the endless war we have played since we were little. And with him getting angry is the objective. But this happiness I am participating in is suppressing my being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel happy that my brother expresses anger about my bad breath.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek to make my brother angry, because then I am fighting with him, and winning the war.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play the innocent one, by attacking my brother through passive means, through triggering him, and causing his anger, by pushing his buttons.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play the victim, and do so to hide when I cause my brother to get angry, because I secretly enjoy it, and feel good about it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enjoy bringing out reactions in other people.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek to bring out reactions in other people, because I feel happy doing so.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and bring out reactions in people who disagree with me, or with whom I am at war with, even if it means shouting and yelling.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to make playing tricks and little games, and scaring people, done within the starting point of feeling happy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fight with people from the starting point of energy or who is right, or who wins.

No more fighting,

When and as I see myself feeling happy within pushing someone's buttons to have them react openly, I stop and I breathe- I realize that no one enjoys reacting as it is not supportive for one's living and being, and causing them to react will just have them resent you and lead to war as now they will try to get you back - I realize fighting is always pointless as it is based in energy, which is pointless since its not even real or tangible.

I commit myself to get along with everyone and support everyone to stop their reactive habits, by remaining stable, here, and not engage and participate within another person's reaction, within reaction, but stand as a rod in the ground, to ground the situation to practicality and what is best for all.