Day 125- Walking some Supportive Words & walking a Mind Pattern of reacting while Communicating
So I have been noticing something, that some of us walking the JTL, may have been feeling stuck, for a long time. So when I have felt stuck in a rut before, well... one thing I know is that I am not living the principle(s) that are best for all. What do I mean by this? Well, in this writing, I am going to try to be very direct, and say things very plain. This is an experiment, because maybe how the mind works, it hates plain, it hates things being direct. So for those that really want a boost in there process or correction, this may work. I don't know, all I know is that I can write considering all points, all perspectives on this earth, and that is what I can do, and I can write in many many ways to express it, and here is one such way. HAHHAHAAH. Anyway,
So I guess I already said what I wanted to say to help those to get out of a sticky rut. To write by the principles you know already. Consider all points, ask yourself what is best for all, and well, write what is best for all. I guess I could just repeat myself. Write what is best for all. Maybe help yourself out, take something you faced, some reaction you had, and write about it. Now take it through what is best for all, the principles that consider all points. Hell, take anything through what is best for all. Take a famous television series through what is best for all. Take a movie, any movie through what is best for all. You can literally take ANYTHING through the principle of what is best for all. Don't believe me? Well let's take the remotest most seemingly insignificant or farfetched point through what is best for all. If this was a real time thing, I would take suggestions. I already thought of several things, and they all seem TOO EASY. Like Aluminum- that's easy. Or Sex thoughts that are possessing me- EASY. Bacteria? EASY!!!!! I mean how about the atom that is the last tip of the smallest hair on my dog Shadow? That seems hard, maybe- but its easy too, because its still an atom. Atoms are here within and throughout the physical, and thus everything. My dad would often speak about atoms in an amazing spiritual way. For me, an atom is a being, one and equal to me. An atom, just like myself has accepted and allowed the entire existence to be how it has become. Its just I am in more of a position (seemingly) to do something about it. And regardless whether or not the atom on my dog's tail is standing, I will stand. So you see, I have not even finished writing my blog yet, but I am stating who I am, which is what is important here. Who are you?... because you choose. Everything is relevant, there is nothing that is not relevant. You choose whether you are relevant, it is your choice. Its just a stupid choice, because the answer is clear. You would be stupid to choose separation and limitation. Because your greatest fear would be realized, that everything that you are and everything you have done has come to nothing. So there, I made it easy for you. HAHAHAHA.
So Im going to split this blog into two parts. The next part is where I write something perhaps I fear, or have great difficulty walking in my process.
So I might as well share now, one point that I am "weak" in is communicating with people. So I obviously could have more weaknesses, but right now I am bringing up this point. So I notice one thing, is that sometimes I feel like I am under attack, and I get defensive, when I have already shared/spoken something and someone is responding to me. However, this pattern starts even before I initially spoke. I starts when I am listening. So let's say you are talking to me, or I am talking to myself. So you say something. Dogs are cute. And within this statement I am immediately assessing already, OK THIS IS AN OPINION. And I react already and feel resistant to saying NOT ALL DOGS ARE CUTE. Because if I say that, then its like I could see or envision that person, you, Looking, appearing or expressing a sad demeanor. And for some reason I have resistance to that possible future moment. Ok so the first thing I notice is that this is something I did way back when I was in middle school. Like I specifically stated to myself a principle of not making anyone sad, because I did not like feeling sad at all. And I would feel angry towards those who made other people sad through making fun of them. So you, know, um, ok the first impression, on the very surface is that WOW that guy is MATURE, no??? So that's was how I initially saw things. Ok, but now, I question it. Let's see....... So something I already walked in Desteni is how my emotions are my responsibility. So the point here, seems, that there is an underlying principle or statement here. The underlying point seems to play out when I am the one who says something that upsets someone. I feel Nervous. Its like a fear that they will somehow reject me, through like ignoring me, or pretending like I do not exist, which has happened to some varying degrees in my life. So perhaps the most extreme case, was with my first real girlfriend, where after we broke up, she ignored me completely. And now that I have said that, my first (1 week) girlfriend also ignored me and I felt similar. I felt rejected. I felt like nothing. Worthless. Its as if relationship validated who I am, and whether I accept myself as enough or valid or worthy. Because I need someone else to validate me. Now, having said this, I am in the middle of walking such a point where you utilize practically others as a way to test yourself and improve yourself, and you do so deliberately. So that's the correction we are after. Um. So. The validation pattern seems to be playing out with everyday people, not just girlfriends. Which makes sense from what I know about myself since in my past I also had a very strong energetic emphasis on people, either negative or positive, or placing myself as superior to them (which happened very often), but having said that, I realize now that the reason why I was placing myself superior to pretty much everyone in my life, was because I was feeling inferior inside myself. That I was seeking for some validation, for some way out of this experience of myself as inferior, so I choose the one option I had, at the time, to be superior. So there is an interesting history within this alone, however, I won't go into it for now. So then, so this specific pattern, well... I feel afraid of feeling negative (weird because fear is negative, so I feel negative about feeling negative? Weird)
SUMMARY
so I felt bad when I am faced already with the possibility of saying something in response to what someone said to me, that could/maybe lead to an emotional reaction (negative) inside of them, and may cause them to blame me for what they are feeling and thus take physical action to avoid me on purpose so as to not speak to me, which THIS IS WHAT I AM REACTING TO :D
This possibility that they will avoid me, I am reacting to with fear of losing their presence. So I say presence here because I notice that when they are physically present I feel good, meaning they don't have to be talking to me directly or anything, its just that moment that I am with people, that I already feel good. So I had a flash moment, where a picture of myself standing in a field alone without anyone around me as a child, flashed before my eyes in a moment. So for me there feels like there could be a memory and situations, where that seems plenty, where I felt alone, and thought I am alone, and how I felt bad within that. So like the situation/memory of being the last one picked for teams. There are various situations that I have been in that have been like this, but I will just use one to represent all of them for now, and as I require to specify my process based on the feedback I get after I have walked the Self-forgiveness (SF) and the Corrective statements.
So to rephrase my current pattern
I am reacting with inferiority when I am faced with the possibility of NOT being validated by someone, because they have chosen to react and thus ignore me, and thus leave me, and thus no longer provide me, through their presence, my energetic fix of feel good energy.
So I feel nervous because I might say something that will "mess things up" and "drive the person away," and well the point of the pattern is to protect my current supply of energy through the relationships I have to all the people.
So the final dimension I will check in this current post is how when i have "chosen" to purposely share something that I had already generated the idea that if I were to share this it may lead to an emotional reaction in the other person. So from a practical perspective, its cool to see what things I will say will probably lead to an emotional reaction in another person, however it is not cool to feel upset or worried or nervous when I share something, anything, whether it leads to an actual emotional reaction in another person, or whether I truly believe that it is very likely that what I said will lead to an emotional reaction, that this is completely unacceptable. If I am directing myself and I choose to act then I am making a commitment to act this way, so I shouldn't second guess myself, I shouldn't be reacting within myself, instead I should just be completing the action that I sought out to do. Clear, complete inside myself, stable.
So what normally happens is, let's say I share something based on what another just said. Well, what I say is already distorted, because of the reactions I was participating within and as in the moment of writing/expressing and I am already expecting that the people I am communicating with will point out the confusion in my writing/expression or that they will be confused or misinterpret what I say because of the distortion. And within that expectation, I am generating again, nervousness and fear, but this time fear that they won't understand what I said, and fear that they will criticize what I said. So the fear is essentially an invitation for me to generate energy within myself with the exact thing I am expecting most to happen since I was writing in a reactive state, which involved moving quickly, second guessing, last minute decisions, and not being completely here within my body while writing.
So, I would say that is the end of the pattern. It is laid out for the most part. The next step is taking all of this through self-forgiveness. I will do this in the next 12-18 hours. See ya.
Link for day 126- Self-forgiveness http://yoganjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/12/day126-self-forgiveness-for-day125s.html
So I guess I already said what I wanted to say to help those to get out of a sticky rut. To write by the principles you know already. Consider all points, ask yourself what is best for all, and well, write what is best for all. I guess I could just repeat myself. Write what is best for all. Maybe help yourself out, take something you faced, some reaction you had, and write about it. Now take it through what is best for all, the principles that consider all points. Hell, take anything through what is best for all. Take a famous television series through what is best for all. Take a movie, any movie through what is best for all. You can literally take ANYTHING through the principle of what is best for all. Don't believe me? Well let's take the remotest most seemingly insignificant or farfetched point through what is best for all. If this was a real time thing, I would take suggestions. I already thought of several things, and they all seem TOO EASY. Like Aluminum- that's easy. Or Sex thoughts that are possessing me- EASY. Bacteria? EASY!!!!! I mean how about the atom that is the last tip of the smallest hair on my dog Shadow? That seems hard, maybe- but its easy too, because its still an atom. Atoms are here within and throughout the physical, and thus everything. My dad would often speak about atoms in an amazing spiritual way. For me, an atom is a being, one and equal to me. An atom, just like myself has accepted and allowed the entire existence to be how it has become. Its just I am in more of a position (seemingly) to do something about it. And regardless whether or not the atom on my dog's tail is standing, I will stand. So you see, I have not even finished writing my blog yet, but I am stating who I am, which is what is important here. Who are you?... because you choose. Everything is relevant, there is nothing that is not relevant. You choose whether you are relevant, it is your choice. Its just a stupid choice, because the answer is clear. You would be stupid to choose separation and limitation. Because your greatest fear would be realized, that everything that you are and everything you have done has come to nothing. So there, I made it easy for you. HAHAHAHA.
So Im going to split this blog into two parts. The next part is where I write something perhaps I fear, or have great difficulty walking in my process.
So I might as well share now, one point that I am "weak" in is communicating with people. So I obviously could have more weaknesses, but right now I am bringing up this point. So I notice one thing, is that sometimes I feel like I am under attack, and I get defensive, when I have already shared/spoken something and someone is responding to me. However, this pattern starts even before I initially spoke. I starts when I am listening. So let's say you are talking to me, or I am talking to myself. So you say something. Dogs are cute. And within this statement I am immediately assessing already, OK THIS IS AN OPINION. And I react already and feel resistant to saying NOT ALL DOGS ARE CUTE. Because if I say that, then its like I could see or envision that person, you, Looking, appearing or expressing a sad demeanor. And for some reason I have resistance to that possible future moment. Ok so the first thing I notice is that this is something I did way back when I was in middle school. Like I specifically stated to myself a principle of not making anyone sad, because I did not like feeling sad at all. And I would feel angry towards those who made other people sad through making fun of them. So you, know, um, ok the first impression, on the very surface is that WOW that guy is MATURE, no??? So that's was how I initially saw things. Ok, but now, I question it. Let's see....... So something I already walked in Desteni is how my emotions are my responsibility. So the point here, seems, that there is an underlying principle or statement here. The underlying point seems to play out when I am the one who says something that upsets someone. I feel Nervous. Its like a fear that they will somehow reject me, through like ignoring me, or pretending like I do not exist, which has happened to some varying degrees in my life. So perhaps the most extreme case, was with my first real girlfriend, where after we broke up, she ignored me completely. And now that I have said that, my first (1 week) girlfriend also ignored me and I felt similar. I felt rejected. I felt like nothing. Worthless. Its as if relationship validated who I am, and whether I accept myself as enough or valid or worthy. Because I need someone else to validate me. Now, having said this, I am in the middle of walking such a point where you utilize practically others as a way to test yourself and improve yourself, and you do so deliberately. So that's the correction we are after. Um. So. The validation pattern seems to be playing out with everyday people, not just girlfriends. Which makes sense from what I know about myself since in my past I also had a very strong energetic emphasis on people, either negative or positive, or placing myself as superior to them (which happened very often), but having said that, I realize now that the reason why I was placing myself superior to pretty much everyone in my life, was because I was feeling inferior inside myself. That I was seeking for some validation, for some way out of this experience of myself as inferior, so I choose the one option I had, at the time, to be superior. So there is an interesting history within this alone, however, I won't go into it for now. So then, so this specific pattern, well... I feel afraid of feeling negative (weird because fear is negative, so I feel negative about feeling negative? Weird)
SUMMARY
so I felt bad when I am faced already with the possibility of saying something in response to what someone said to me, that could/maybe lead to an emotional reaction (negative) inside of them, and may cause them to blame me for what they are feeling and thus take physical action to avoid me on purpose so as to not speak to me, which THIS IS WHAT I AM REACTING TO :D
This possibility that they will avoid me, I am reacting to with fear of losing their presence. So I say presence here because I notice that when they are physically present I feel good, meaning they don't have to be talking to me directly or anything, its just that moment that I am with people, that I already feel good. So I had a flash moment, where a picture of myself standing in a field alone without anyone around me as a child, flashed before my eyes in a moment. So for me there feels like there could be a memory and situations, where that seems plenty, where I felt alone, and thought I am alone, and how I felt bad within that. So like the situation/memory of being the last one picked for teams. There are various situations that I have been in that have been like this, but I will just use one to represent all of them for now, and as I require to specify my process based on the feedback I get after I have walked the Self-forgiveness (SF) and the Corrective statements.
So to rephrase my current pattern
I am reacting with inferiority when I am faced with the possibility of NOT being validated by someone, because they have chosen to react and thus ignore me, and thus leave me, and thus no longer provide me, through their presence, my energetic fix of feel good energy.
So I feel nervous because I might say something that will "mess things up" and "drive the person away," and well the point of the pattern is to protect my current supply of energy through the relationships I have to all the people.
So the final dimension I will check in this current post is how when i have "chosen" to purposely share something that I had already generated the idea that if I were to share this it may lead to an emotional reaction in the other person. So from a practical perspective, its cool to see what things I will say will probably lead to an emotional reaction in another person, however it is not cool to feel upset or worried or nervous when I share something, anything, whether it leads to an actual emotional reaction in another person, or whether I truly believe that it is very likely that what I said will lead to an emotional reaction, that this is completely unacceptable. If I am directing myself and I choose to act then I am making a commitment to act this way, so I shouldn't second guess myself, I shouldn't be reacting within myself, instead I should just be completing the action that I sought out to do. Clear, complete inside myself, stable.
So what normally happens is, let's say I share something based on what another just said. Well, what I say is already distorted, because of the reactions I was participating within and as in the moment of writing/expressing and I am already expecting that the people I am communicating with will point out the confusion in my writing/expression or that they will be confused or misinterpret what I say because of the distortion. And within that expectation, I am generating again, nervousness and fear, but this time fear that they won't understand what I said, and fear that they will criticize what I said. So the fear is essentially an invitation for me to generate energy within myself with the exact thing I am expecting most to happen since I was writing in a reactive state, which involved moving quickly, second guessing, last minute decisions, and not being completely here within my body while writing.
So, I would say that is the end of the pattern. It is laid out for the most part. The next step is taking all of this through self-forgiveness. I will do this in the next 12-18 hours. See ya.
Link for day 126- Self-forgiveness http://yoganjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/12/day126-self-forgiveness-for-day125s.html
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