“…simply make things better for someone else, as if I were to be born again, and that someone else, and it doesn't have to be me, but it could be someone like me, that they would have a better life than I had, that everyone was better. There is something seriously wrong with everyone, and that is something I observed when I was very young. We are the problem, and we need to become better, because we are fucking everything up.”
“So this is who I am. There is something seriously wrong with everyone and we need to fix it, if not for us, then for the future generations."
"Everything I have done in this life, and everything I will do, is for this purpose.”

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Resentment, Envy, Disempowerment, Desires, and childhood memories, and speaking forgiveness aloud with acceptance, without resistance, and with authority, and Day 167+168

disclaimer: This is a draft, that will get updated. 


Resentment, Envy, Disempowerment, Desires, and childhood memories

There is a fire within me...

Robot Virgins -- Fire (Official Music Video HD)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fcF2UgkKq18&index=3&list=UUzdqLahT5x_IlMky_v2TiUg


So I have been writing out a mind pattern within me, that is fairly extensive in the amount of levels it contains. This might be the most levels I have worked on in a single point. I am still going to keep deconstructing and opening up the point, and will post it in small subsections, and at the end, do a summary or outline of the point.

So the first dimension I will post on is Resentment and Envy. Resentment is the negative pole, and Envy is the positive pole. To even say I have resentment or envy is something novel, so I am uncovering something new in me. The most recent observation I had about this point was how destructive Resentment and Envy. A quick glance, there is no other expression that is as destructive as resentment/envy. All matters of violence begin from that point. But also, in  human relationships, how a person being resentful/envious destroys his relationships with people. So it is really a destruction on all levels. No one wants to hang around or be with a resentful or envious person. And I had made this observation right before the Robot Virgins song, Fire, which I was listening to the Timeless song by them at the time. Within myself I also feel destructive, like I am destroying myself and I am twising and pulling myself within myself. And I really need to take a moment and stop as I access this, suggesting how normal and addicted I am to it. Another dimension I notice about this point is how it is something I copied and received from my father, as I can clearly see this point within him in how he lived his life. How I saw this point for myself was by identifying feeling Powerless as a source point, and finding three early childhood memories, one following the other, where I experienced feeling Powerless. And from there I saw how I evolved a specific pattern.

Memories


I took a math test in Kindergarten, I did not finish. I felt powerless. I cried.

A friend moved to another country. I was in 1st grade. I felt powerless. I was quiet and didn’t expressed how I felt.

I sat in the lunch hall alone, in silence, not talking. I was in 2nd grade. I felt powerless. I just ate my lunch and only answered or responded to questions. 

I evolved into the person I am now, quiet, reserved, resentful towards everyone, fearful of losing people, seeking for people who won't leave me, feeling the need to be forceful. 

 Within feeling powerless, I created self-blame, and blaming others, to feel power. I also expressed resentment towards people and the situation for forcing me to change who I am, and I was envious to others who were different and could express things I couldn't. I adapted and evolved to not express how I feel or feel it, as sadness and frustration, and held resentment towards the situation and people around me, blaming them for me having to be this way, and envying them being able to be different, expressing themselves openly, clearly, easily, how they feel. 

What I am expressing on the surface is resentment and envy, what I am experiencing deeper down is sadness, and frustration, towards things that are in my environment and in my past.  

I felt sad and frustrated that I couldn't do well in my math test. 
I feel sad and frustrated that I am often and always alone as no one enjoys my company. 

i feel sad and frustrated that people don't understand me when I speak. 

I feel sad and frustrated that most people disagree with me or don't listen to me. 

I felt sad and frustrated that people judge me.
I felt sad and frustrated that people don't stop, be silent and listen what I have to say to see what is valuable within what I have to say, and simply say something back to make themselves feel better. 

I felt sad and frustrated when I express myself and no one hears me. 
Its like screaming in a dream but no one hears you. Like when your little and screaming for your mom's attention but she doesn't respond. 
When my brother and I would fight, sometimes I felt frustrated when I saw my brother was intentionally messing with me for fun and my mom wouldn't punish him or do something. 
I also felt frustrated in a dream where kids or people were stealing my things and I was screaming at them to stop. This frustration and sadness is linked to a situation of being powerless, which involves me taking an action but my intended effect is not realized. So I have an intention for something to happen, but it doesn't happen. 
So resentment and envy occurs after I feel sad and frustrated when I don't realize an intended result, and as I observe others and the situation and blame them and myself, where I feel envious that others achieve what I wanted to, and i feel resentment when I see things responsible for my sadness and resentment regarding not realizing what I intended. I am blaming because I see that what I intended to create was dependent on those people or the situation, to either "listen" to me or be the "right time and place."
I copied blame from my mother. I created dis-empowerment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear becoming a guy who only says this but does not live them, if I talk about empowering myself. 

When I achieve what I intended, I expect other people feel envious of me if they have not achieved the same. I feel high. This is something I copied from my mom.
 When I don't achieve what I intended, I feel sad and frustrated, and blame the people or situation involved in not achieving, and feel resentful towards them/it, and feel envious towards people who have achieved what I had intended to achieve. I will act out violently and aggressively when this resentment reaches a certain point. Envious leads to depression. 

What are my intentions?
I intended to make everyone join me in making themselves better, and therefore achieving perfection, and life-long happiness.
I intended to make everyone perfect so that they are able to understand me.
I intended to find one girl and marry her.
I intend to bring about a better life for everyone.
I intend to make my life better.
I intend to be free of my mind.
I intend to be perfect.

I desire to rule the world, create the world exactly how I want.
I desire to not feel alone.


I desire to be liked by everyone.
I desire to be understood by everyone.
I desire to be good at conversation
I desire to have a best friend.
I desire to have a girlfriend.




I desire to be liked by everyone.

My family, I desired to be liked by my family. My first class and teacher, I desired to be liked by them. I remember stepping into a class full of strangers for the first time, I felt nervous, scared. I spent my whole life so far with my family, and now I have to meet these strangers. I want them to like me because my mom won't be around, and I get bored, I need someone to play with.

If someone likes me they will play with me, jokingly. They will make high pitch noises and make faces.
I need to do the same to others for them to do it to me.
The statement I desire to be liked by everyone translates to, I desire that everyone make high pitch noises with me and make faces, also give me things. Smile at me. and asks me if everything is ok. This is how my mom and dad raised me.


I desire to be understood by everyone.

in my family home we had our own language. I would even grunt or make physical gestures to express me. And I was always understood. And I could understand my siblings well too. Outside the home it is different. It was difficult to communicate using the same words and ways that we did at home.


I desire to be good at conversation

We didn't engage in small talk at home, or how to talk with new people. We had developed habits of speaking about things deeply, almost philosophically. We also had peculiar jokes. And we tended to point out the obvious but within astonishment. Needless to say, I could not get the same connection with people outside the home. I needed to learn how through school, but I never really did. 

I desire to have a best friend.

 My parents were my best friends, but that is something not socially acceptable, and also while in school, I spent very little time with them, and they were very busy. I did miss my parents and the time I spent with them, which used to be constant. I was expected to make and have a best friend.


I desire to have a girlfriend.

I expressed and experienced love and intimacy with my parents. It was expected of me, to fall in love, like it was supposed to happen, that that was one of the points in life. 

Memories


I took a math test in Kindergarten, I did not finish. I felt powerless. I cried.

Desire. I desire that I live in a world where I wont cry, feel sad, or suffer.

A friend moved to another country. I was in 1st grade. I felt powerless. I was quiet and didn’t expressed how I felt.

Desire,  I desire that I live in a world where no one leaves me.

I sat in the lunch hall alone, in silence, not talking. I was in 2nd grade. I felt powerless. I just ate my lunch and only answered or responded to questions. 

I desire to be liked by everyone.
I desire to be understood by everyone.
I desire to be good at conversation
I desire to have a best friend.
I desire to have a girlfriend.


Memory/observation
my earliest memories would include crying, reacting, in resistance to what is here, living within non-acceptance of what is here. I did not learn this outside the womb from any person, I spontaneously just cried and bawled as a baby, to "throw a tantrum." This reaction/response is preprogrammed. Who I am, was a person that did not accept certain people or situations. This determined when I would cry/react.


A violent memory, where some guy pulled down my pants, and there was a girl I liked, and I become furious, like I felt an energy rising up slowly but quickly, and I tried punching him. I blamed and resented this guy for pulling down my pants and for ruining my chances of being with this girl as she saw me with my pants down.


The act of crying as a baby, is an act of resistance, and violence. I would flail my arms around, and when I react I do the same. This is preprogrammed. We are babies in larger bodies.

I must stop resisting everything.
I must accept and allow what is here.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing this situation.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing people and their actions.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing the mind.

Not accepting what is here, does not help.

Speaking forgiveness aloud with acceptance, without resistance, and with authority


I applied self-forgiveness on feeling lustful when seeing a girl that smiles at me, flushed faced, their glasses fogging, talking in a high, weak, and frail voice, kissing me, caressing me, getting on top of me and making out.

I repeated this statement several times. I had to take it slow, to sound the words, within acceptance of everything, and without resistance. Forgiveness works because it is an act of no resistance. I forgive myself, for accepting and allowing myself to...  I notice that I got faster at it, and the energy that I called feeling lustful in my solar plexus, became loose, and began to feel like resistance, then I observed it move to my throat, where it disappeared.

I then focused on my throat region and said forgiveness aloud, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist what is here, and repeated this, until I spoke it in such a way that I would describe it as speaking it with no resistance in my voice tonality. It was like my vocal cords were not resisting or vibrating. It sounded smooth, like a young boy.

I repeated this self-forgiveness many times. I had a reference, a memory, of a young boy speaking in the Indiana Jones movie.

Later, I was in the bathroom and did self-forgiveness in this way. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist being in the bathroom. I had already identified that all emotions and feelings are actually resistance to what is here, and so is thinking. I would every time I am in the bathroom, think. I then repeated I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist being in the bathroom. I also remembered how being forceful is also an expression. I did not have complete success in removing the resistance. So I spoke self-forgiveness aloud, assertively with a deeper, clear, precise manner. With authority. After saying it both ways, I was standing there, and feeling the resistance, and after a while I started to explore and move throughout the bathroom. BEING in the bathroom. I touched the toilet paper, looked at a lighter. Just be in the bathroom, like if i had been locked in there and decided to stop resisting being locked and started exploring. I decided to sit down, and I remembered how I had been locked in the bathroom with my brother, because we had been fighting. We eventually decided to write a letter to my mom, saying we made peace, but I still resisted peace with my brother, I resisted my brother. So I said that self-forgiveness aloud. I notice this time I spoke in a way that was BOTH assertive, deep, and without resistance, smooth.

I forgive myself, for accepting and allowing myself to...







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