“…simply make things better for someone else, as if I were to be born again, and that someone else, and it doesn't have to be me, but it could be someone like me, that they would have a better life than I had, that everyone was better. There is something seriously wrong with everyone, and that is something I observed when I was very young. We are the problem, and we need to become better, because we are fucking everything up.”
“So this is who I am. There is something seriously wrong with everyone and we need to fix it, if not for us, then for the future generations."
"Everything I have done in this life, and everything I will do, is for this purpose.”

Friday, September 12, 2014

Mourning character Day 169

Crying, mourning loss

Feeling sad that some people are gone/out of my life. I didn’t force them out, they chose to leave. I realize I don’t have any control to keep anyone. It’s a deep resonance, almost or on the edge of possession. I imagined having  a conversation with one of them telling her that “I miss her if that means anything to you.” So I'm calling this the missing persons character, which I can see being activated if someone close to me were to die, I would have imagined conversation with them.

I experience this emotion as regret. I wished I could have told them something or did something that would have kept them here.  I notice I feel like crying and I rest my head on my hand. I notice too how I was almost possessed to call the friends who I haven’t talked to in a long time, to see if I can bring them into my life again, so as to not lose them.
When I reactive the energy experience, it is sorrow.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sorrow when I lose someone and they are no longer in my life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get droopy, and weak, and let me head sag, down and so use my arm as a rest to prop it up, when I lose someone, and they are no longer in my life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think to myself, “how could they leave me”, “I don’t want them to go!” “why did they have to go?”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine having a conversation with a person that has left me and no longer in my life.
When and as I see myself feeling sorrow within having lost someone- I stop and I breathe- I realize that crying about them, and feeling sorrow, or any emotion or action, won’t bring them back because they either made a choice to leave, or there is no choice in the matter for me –
I commit myself to release sorrow, and bring myself back to reality to what IS still here with me in this world instead of going in my head thinking and imagining what could have been, or what I wish what the situation to be.

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