“…simply make things better for someone else, as if I were to be born again, and that someone else, and it doesn't have to be me, but it could be someone like me, that they would have a better life than I had, that everyone was better. There is something seriously wrong with everyone, and that is something I observed when I was very young. We are the problem, and we need to become better, because we are fucking everything up.”
“So this is who I am. There is something seriously wrong with everyone and we need to fix it, if not for us, then for the future generations."
"Everything I have done in this life, and everything I will do, is for this purpose.”

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Day130- This is about Me

So for me, I know that the number of blogs I write is unimportant. Well, from another perspective, even just writing out the shit out in my blogs, will help me to see the shit. However, what I am trying to say is that ultimately, what matters is what I write. I can write 1 million things, but if those things are not self-honest. Then it means nothing. However like I said, that even writing out 1 million things that are self-dishonest, will help for when I do ultimately stand up. Because for myself I can see when I am writing shit, and when I am writing honestly. That is why writing, with self-forgiveness, is always a benefit, even when it is self-dishonest. If you think I am supporting self-dishonesty, get a chill pill. Haha. When I write, I don't give a hoot about how I am affecting a person, because I know you are affecting yourself really. I do at times avoid leading to reactions, but I mean, if you have been reading my blog, it is to learn about yourself, so here you can learn what reactions you have, haha. Isn't that just stupendous? So that's what is amazing about Desteni, is that its about YOU. Not the others, but YOU. Who you are, and who you "want to be." I put "want to be" in quotations, because, there is obviously the mind thoughts of who you want to be, but there is always, who it is you in fact want to be. Probably only some of you can follow along to what I am saying. If so, read it again, until you get it. Because there is a "fake" you and a real you. One is real, one is fake. The hint, the fake one can be erased. The fake one also sucks, and really doesn't give a shit about you. The fake one is also making you feel negative. So join me in saying: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow any part of me to generate or cause friction within as me. That just the start of it, and then you continue. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I hate myself, or any other nasty insults, for example (...place yours here).
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing within and as myself (anything negative)
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to (allow anything positive because it is really hiding my negative points)
I realize who i am here is not a positive or negative reaction.
I realize who I am here is of life and I am one and equal to all parts of this existence, thus inferiority or superiority is a lie, since I am one and equal with all parts and inferiority and superiority cannot exist within oneness and equality.
I commit myself to never leave me again.
I commit myself to always stay here with me
I commit myself to never let a moment go by where I am not here with my physical body
I commit myself to never miss a heart beat, a movement, a pressure, or sensation within and as me as what is here as me.
I commit myself to never separate myself from my physical body again.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing separation between any part of me.
I commit myself to stop all separation within this existence.
I commit myself to stand and continue to stand until it is done.
I commit myself to never quit on me, or leave me alone again.
I commit myself to always move me.
I commit myself to fight to be here, until it is absolute and clear.
I commit to push myself to be here until there is no doubt or faltering that I am here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to separate myself from some physical action or movement by judging said action or movement as "bad" "improper" "immature" "stupid" "a waste of time"
I realize that whatever I judge as bad, improper, immature etc... I am in fact judging the same about me.
I realize that judgement is an act of separation.
I realize separation is an act of inferiority
I realize separation is an act of perceived weakness and fear.
I realize fear and weakness does not really exist, they are just human conceptions.
I realize the mind has been a lie.
I realize I have been living a lie
I realize it is time to stop the lie.

Sunday, December 29, 2013

Day 129- The fear and desire of receiving attention on my blog

The fear and desire of receiving attention on my blog.
I feel fear and desire when I write on my blog, because I know or have seen in the past that people read, see, or visit my blog. Within a moment of seeing the statistics of the number of views on my blog posts, I feel excited and energetic. I feel happy, thrilled and enthused to see this. Within the moment of writing on my blog, I feel tired, resistance, fear, stressed, that I just don’t want to do this THOUGHT. I feel like running away and avoiding writing on my blog at all costs.

So I stop and I breathe
 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel fear when I write a blog post that will go on my blog, A Behaviorist’s Journey to Life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel desire when I write a blog post that will go on my blog, A Behaviorist’s Journey to Life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to receiving attention from people.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with fear when I receive attention from people.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with fear when I write on my blog because I know that people will read it, and thus I generate energy within the knowing that people are “Aware” of me and thus giving me attention.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel validated when I receive attention from people.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not receiving or losing validation from people who read my blogs and give me attention.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear receiving criticism from people who read my blogs.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire validation from people.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire validation because of how I feel when I believe I am validated.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel enthused, and thrilled when I believe I am validated.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire attention
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire attention from people
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire attention from people because of how I feel when receiving attention.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel happy and complete when I receive attention from people.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire attention from people because I desire to control the lives of other people through my words.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to have control of this reality, and myself, through having control of the lives of other people.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to control the lives of other people through influencing them and controlling them through my written and spoken word.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel validated and secured when I believe I am influencing other people through my written and spoken words, and thus believing I am in control of them.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I was seeking my own validation and security of myself through attempting to control others around me.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that because of my insecurity and my position/stance within myself of being invalidated, that I was seeking security and validation outside of me through attempting to control the world around me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from this world, through attempting to control it, by accepting and allowing the separation from security as myself and validation as myself.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to give myself security and validation.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear myself abusing the gift of  validation and security.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire, want, and need validation as an experience in separation from myself, instead of living validation as an act of expression, self-directed in a moment, with no energy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself by accepting and allowing energy within and as myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself, and even energy, by accepting and allowing energy within and as myself when I write on my blog.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like running away when I write on my blog.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing any resistance within and as myself when I am writing on my blog.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire control, and to feel high when I believe I am “in control”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear energy possessing me, and not being “in control.”
When and as I feel good while writing on my blog- I stop and I breathe- I realize that energy will only continue to exist while I participate in it, so I should focus on my task and moving myself – I realize that by moving me, I am already stopping participation in energy, since energy requires my participation and “lack of movement” by being absent from the physical and being complete attentive to the energy and mind thoughts- I realize through participating in thinking I am generating energy and thus the feel good experience- I realize that by focusing on the physical movement I am not participating in energy – I realize that energy only lasts so long, so by stop participation in the thoughts, the energy will die out- I realize that by standing in being steadfast, that the energy will run out- I realize that by breathing and being here, the energy of feeling good will stop- I realize that the physical has nothing to do with energy- I realize that real physical living has nothing to do with energy- I realize that energy is completely dependent on my absence from the physical – I realize that I hold the key to the existence of energy, and the existence of myself with and as the physical- I realize that through not being here with and as the physical, I compromise my expression of myself as words, and so my blog writing, which impacts whether individuals reading my blog do receive support in facing energy as well – I realize that who I am does have an effect on others, through whether I do or do not stand within and as energy or within and as the physical- I realize that if I stand within the position of supporting myself by stopping participation within and as energy, I am assisting and supporting others to walk the same support with themselves through my written word on this blog serving as an example- I realize that it is not what I write, but who I am within what I write, so that is not to say that I can write anything, instead it means according to who I am, I will write certain things, so it starts with who I am, and so that is my focus- I realize whether other people will read my blog is unimportant- I realize whether no one listens it is unimportant- I realize it is important the words of my blog are here online, available to all, so that the support is here and I have done my part- I realize that I did not reach this point alone, that I reached this point of supporting myself because of what was already walked by others, and shared by them online- I realize it is both for me and others that I write my blogs, so I hold a responsibility to myself and others to write these blogs in a supportive manner- I realize that there is no faking self-support, that I must actually walk the support self-honestly for myself- I realize that there is no faking process for others, since process is for yourself- I realize I must be the starting point of my process- I realize I must take responsibility of my starting point within process- I realize there is no faking process – I realize what I walk in process is for myself, and I will benefit- I realize the fact that others benefit, is in addition to me benefiting myself, since I am gifting myself process, and others can see, realize and understand what process is by reading my blog.

I commit myself to set aside time to write on my blog each day.
I commit myself to post each day, even if the blog is incomplete, however to have at least some self-forgiveness.

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

FEARS Day 128

Fear

Fear is deception. Anything you fear, is a deception. Fear is a deception. Fear is not real. Fear is your creation. Fear is something I have created in separation of myself, that I have come to define myself to. Fear does not protect me. Fear does not help me. Fear is a limitation. Fear can be removed/stop. I can stop participating within and as fear. I can live without fear and do what is best for all. Fear has never helped me. That is a lie that fear has helped me and protected me. If I was a fully directive being who took full responsibility for all his ability, then obviously fear would have no purpose, since the purpose of fear is to possess. If I am directing myself, then I don't need/require possession. Possession is incompatible with self-direction.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing fear within my life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing fear within me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear fear.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as fear to any degree.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to find fear ok.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see fear as acceptable in some circumstances.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing any justification or excuse for fear to continue to exist within me or anyone else.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing fear to be an excuse, justification or reason for me to not direct myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being self-honest, because I fear that I may be self-dishonest, and I may lose my self-honesty, so I have not been self-honest to protect self-honesty and so protect myself, who I am, how I exist, by being someone else, and existing differently.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear risking all of me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse fear by using fear as an excuse, reason, and justification, and so blame fear for the decision I took to hide something within to protect it.

I realize anything that is hidden, anything that is kept secret, cannot influence reality in any way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having power to influence and change this reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist and fear taking power, taking initiative, taking a real voiced statement of who I am through actual manifested action/movement.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can lose myself.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there is any set of circumstance that can force me to be a certain way, instead of realizing I always make a choice in whatever I do.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there is any force outside of me that can direct me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from all of the real physical power, through beliefs at the level of the mind.

When and as I see fear within me- I stop and breathe- I realize fear is my creation, and therefore my responsibility- I realize fear needs to end- I realize I need to take responsibility now for directing myself and that my creation as fear is no longer necessary, and I am grateful for the lesson that it embodies for me- I realize I must be responsible for all parts inside me and outside me - I realize there is no evil in the world, that fear is not evil- I realize that there is only me, myself, my creation - I realize I create myself entirely, and that no one can force me to be a certain way - I realize fear is a lie - I realize I have been living a lie as fear- I realize I have created myself as who I am, and I must take responsibility for who I am, and become the best person I can be - I realize that the mind is not real- I realize I hold the key and power to this reality- I realize the mind is teaching me to become a better creator - I realize that only I am standing in my way to be who I want to be and live a fulfilling life- I realize there are no obstacles that I can't overcome- I realize who I am is the most important thing there is - I realize that I am eternal, and I will always be here, because I care about me - I realize I create and place my own limitations - i realize limitations are unnecessary and were placed out of fear of who I am, what I can do, what I might do - I realize through standing up and taking care of this existence as myself, fear will be gone - I realize fear is our way of preventing ourselves from becoming monsters, yet we are already monsters, in the sense that we are not who we really are, which are creators- I realize I am a creator of this reality, and I am responsible to what happens- I realize I am only really responsible for who I am, and that being/standing as what is best for all, is the only real "hope" for humanity, because we each must stand up individually- I realize that by standing up I am in fact already creating this world into/as what is best for all- I realize that I can and will die happy if I live this way - I realize that doing this, standing up is all I ever wanted- I realize that anything other than standing up is a waste of time- I realize allowing any point in existence to direct me is a waste of time- i realize I have wasted time in allowing myself to move in reaction to things- I realize I am not a reaction, however I have been living as one - I realize I must become who I really am- I realize breathing alone is one point that if I implement, it will help me to be me - i realize that there is nothing in the physical I cannot direct, and so the physical is the key to who I am, being me - I realize that in the end, at my death, that nothing of what others have lived, will be important as what I have lived- I realize that in a way, how everyone else lives is irrelevant to who/how I am deciding myself to be- I realize everything I have walked in the process shared by desteni is my process- I realize everything that has been shared by desteni, I created, I used, I moved- I realize it was only ever me that moved myself to act/live and apply what was shared by Desteni, freely for anyone to use- I realize I am a being here that is creating himself in each moment - I realize I am not just a mind, that I am a being moving himself to perfection- I realize that everything I have walked has been real, and I have changed- I realize that fear has been a lie, and has been a point that has long deserved facing - I realize that fear is me, who I am, and have been throughout my whole life- I realize fear is me so completely and fully, and it has determined nearly every one of my decisions in this life- I realize to say I am fear, is a fairly accurate statement based on what I have shared- I realize that I am not just fear- I realize fear is my creation that I have accepted to live in separation of myself - I realize it is time for fear to come and stand within the principle of what is best for all, as myself - I realize fear as me will now stand as me, and change into what is best for all - I realize every point in existence wants to stand within what is best for all, even fear- I realize there is no point outside of oneness and equality, not even fear - I realize fear is not evil, bad, or stupid- i realize fear is me, and it is time for me to change- i realize fear is like an outdated way for me to be living.

I commit myself to stand here when I am experiencing fear, and state who I am, as standing within and as the principle of what is best for all, and thus convert fear within and as me, into me, standing as the principle, and so as fear as me, will stand within and as what is best for all
I commit myself to transform all fear into what is best for all (see above for clarification).
I commit myself to purposely live/test myself in such way as to do things which previously led to fear reactions.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from fear. 


Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Feeling good with the Power of Creation? Day127



Feeling good with the power of creation?

So something I went through and maybe some of you can relate, how when in a moment we have succeeded in creating ourselves to be a certain way, like we have moved certain actions or certain points in our lives so we can live a certain commitment we have made, that at that point of having walked the commitment or having walked what our goals were, for any length of time, we feel EMPOWERED. So by this I meant, you feel perhaps HIGH or maybe just Glittery or Good and it envelops you to such a degree that is almost in a sense, DOMINATES you and you in a way become UNAWARE of everything. 
So something I have walked that has been supportive for me to check whether I am being "real" or let's say "here"has been to be AWARE of everything. So I am going to describe this for you to give you a sense or idea of it, but as a warning, you really have to live it and apply it. It is not a knowledge thing, it is really an embodiment of who you are. Some may want to call it grounding. 
Ok so, sometimes I have walked being here, as in considering everything here as me. So it has been considering things, like desks, chairs, food, shelves, as me. So I sort of pretend I can see from their perspective and within that, let's say taking the perspective of the desk, I in a way become "aware" of something outside of me. Ok so that alone is already, I have found to be extremely beneficial. So its one cool thing to try out, to be aware that there are things outside of me, and try to take on their perspectives. Now within that, I remind you again, of a warning. Because obviously, one can become possessed by one's own mind and believe that this is something "real" as in WOW I can communicate with things, or WOW I can leave my body. So no, this is just something we can do, that is not spiritual or special. Just try it out. 

So, this thing that I do sometimes, has helped me to be aware of when I am not myself. So what do I mean when I say, not myself?
When I am not myself I am the mind. When I am the mind, I am thinking or moving automatically as a pattern. So this does not mean one cannot move according to schedules, no. This means that even within schedules one does not move as a unaware pattern. If you live a pattern, you actually live it as a conscious decision and movement of yourself to do things in a predictable fashion. Remember, the problem with the mind is not that it is predictable or patterned. The problem is only that we have not been here, and thus we have not been creating a world that we would actually want to live in, because we have not been here. Are you following so far? The solution is simplistic, be here, change yourself, or create yourself FOR THE FIRST TIME, and make you into something great. Too simplistic? Haha. 

Ok, so the last point I am going to touch in with this blog, is the point of, well the question: How will I know what to create myself as?  OR How do I decide who I will be? 
So one thing one must remember is that YOU must come to this decision. No one can make this decision for you. And if you try and find someone to tell you what you should do, then you will fall into a trap where you will NEVER be able to direct yourself- until you decide to change of course- hahaha. Secondly, you ALREADY KNOW what it is you want to be. So stop kidding yourself, and realize the bullshittiness of your question.

Ok, so I don't write these posts for fun, though it is fun. I do this for myself, meaning, I do this for people just like me, in who/how I was before, because I have been there, and in some ways still there, because there that point, has never left me, because it is here, as my memory/rememberance, and I can live it again, and see it again, and I understand what it meant to be in that point of just complete shittiness, and confusion and lostness. And so I am giving the solution, which was given to me, and I know it real, because it works, and it also is not a mind game. You feel it in the core of your cells, because you are actually be here with your cells. So the reason why its not a mind game is because it is physical. And the fact that we have been ignoring the physical, has in a way meant that this is the solution- remove ignorance, become aware, be here. Join me, even if its not for your benefit, maybe because its fun? No? no, you mean you care about yourself, really? Well, the fun- is like a fulfillment or realization in who you are, which is a decision you make, and thus live- so really it is who you are- fun. Remember everything is you, one and equal- both the positive and negative. So when you change- it is about redirecting who you are- into a being that considers all. So that redirecting is the point of change. In a way nothing will change- yet everything will change. Be the change. Be everything. Be nothing? Hahaha.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be ignorant and unaware that there exists things other than just me as this ego in this body.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignorant and unaware of this body here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore what is here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore my truth here of who I am, within how I am acting, in my environment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow any singular point in existence to direct me, instead of me taking all points in existence into consideration, and base my decisions on all points and thus choose what is most beneficial to all points.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be less, do less, than what I am capable of.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place anything first before who I am, and establishing who I am, within everything I do, in position with and as what is best for all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid the truth of who I am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid anything in existence.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowng myself to fear anything in existence.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire anything in existence.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to direct everything I do.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist anything.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be a mind, and thus to not be who I really am, who/how I really want to be.

When and as I am feeling good while having accomplished something- I stop and I breathe- I realize feeling good is a point that is existing in separation of myself- I realize that feeling good has become conditioned to be here when I have accomplished something- I realize that this conditioning as a memory or learned pattern is an unnecessary limitation- I realize I can direct myself to the fullest extent possible with the physical and thus I do not need any feeling good to move me or for me to live or for me to have a reason to live or to have purpose or to feel reassured or even to FEEL- I realize I am constantly feeling the physical in every moment of every breath- I realize I feel the breath- i realize I feel the physical body- I realize that the physical is real, because it is here and stable and consistent- I realize there has never been any excuse for anyone for not to stand, there is none, because you give up nothing for everything.

I commit myself to never give up, to never give in, to stand and move myself, always, no matter what I do, or what situation I am in.
I commit myself to drop all excuses and disbelief that I cannot move and direct myself completely in any situation.
I commit myself to once again move in complete awareness of all points in existence as myself, in every moment, until it becomes naturally who I am.

I commit myself to be everyone's worst nightmare and tell the truth of who/how we are capable of living.

Thursday, December 19, 2013

Day126 - Self-forgiveness for Day125's writing

This is Self-forgiveness for yesterday's writing. For your convenience, the link is provided for yesterday's writing in case you want to follow the progression of the Self-forgiveness as it goes line by line, in order of the words, http://yoganjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/12/walking-some-supportive-words-walking.html



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel stuck for a long time.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be living the principle of what is best for all for a long time.
I forgive myself ofr accepting and allowing myself to not simply write and express myself through and as the principle of what is best for all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not simply be direct and plain.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate experiments and resist experiments.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate risks and to resist risks.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sick when I take a risk
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear taking risks.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being different.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be different
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself desire to be the same.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself fear being the same.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ever write in any way that does not consider all points and perspectives, and thus what is best for all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be in a sticky rut.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not apply the principles that I already know work and have tested and applied for myself to cross reference with myself and others, and so have already seen, yes, they are best for all!!!
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stop asking, what is best for all?
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stop answering, what is best is best for all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not write what is best for all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not assist and support myself by taking a point I am having difficulty with, a reaction, and simply write about it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take what I write and take it through what is best for all, the principle that consider all points.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prove to myself that I can take anything, I mean ANYTHING, through writing and thus through what is best for all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe another, instead of seeing for myself whether what they say is true by testing it for myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that anything is insignificant.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that anything is farfetched.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from any point in existence, Aluminum, atoms, dog hair, sex thoughts, bacteria, etc…
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to whether other beings stand as the principle what is best for all.
Thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to whether other beings fall as the principle of what is best for all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to whether I stand as the principle of what is best for all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to whether I fall as the principle of what is best for all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear stating who I am in words, and in words that I am willing to state as who I am, and so is me, as me, and completely is who I choose to stand as and be, for all to read and see, that this is me, the words I speak.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that there is anything irrelevant.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize and understand how everything is relevant.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not choose to be relevance, by choosing to give relevance to everything else.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ever consider for any moment of time, separation and limitation.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to consider within myself that to choose my life and everything I am and have lived has come to nothing, is acceptable.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear easy, to fear the easy life or easy choice.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be dubious, fearful, concerned over having an easy choice to make.

Part 2

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I am under attack sometimes, and become automatically defensive, when I have said something in response to what another person said to me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react and feel resistance to saying something that disagrees with what another person said.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear causing another person to feel sad, based on what I said.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid making anyone sad ever.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish evil upon those that make other people sad.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a little voice, reacting to how I stated a principle of not making anyone sad when I was in middle school, that says I am mature for my age, in a positive manner.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel special and different for having a voice say to me, I am mature for my age!
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear upsetting someone.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel nervous when I say something that upsets/makes sad another person.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that people that I have made sad/upset will reject/avoid/ignore me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my ex-girlfriend ignoring me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being ignored by my ex-girlfriends
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my self-value according to whether my ex-girlfriends ignore me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my self-value according to whether people ignore me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide and avoid people, so that I am not ignored or avoided by other people
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide and avoid other people, within video games.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from my feeling of rejection by playing video games.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from my feeling of nothingness by playing video games.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from my feeling of worthlessness by playing video games.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing and confronting my emotions of rejection, nothingness, and worthlessness of/as myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel happy, and so not face, confront and deal with my emotions of rejection, nothingness and worthless within and as me, when I play video games.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to find it acceptable or ok, to make oneself happy, by doing something, and so ignore one’s negative emotions, and simply suppress them for another time, which they will activate once again.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not finally face, to not finally confront my emotions of emptiness, worthlessness, nothingness, rejection within and as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to validate who I am, and whether I accept and validate myself, based on who I am in a relationship with, and who is willing to spend time with me, and whether I keep people in my life within a social circle.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to the people I keep in my social circle, those who I surround myself with.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear and have resistance to forgiving myself for having defined myself according to the people I surround myself with, because I fear that people will now not be able to judge me or assess me at all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire, want and need to have people judge me and tell me who I am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire, want and need someone to validate me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire want and need to have my self-value be determined by the thoughts I have about other people’s judgments.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want, need and desire to feel valid
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want, need and desire to feel cared for and loved.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want, need and desire to be wanted and desired by another.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want, need and desire to be in a relationship
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want, need and desire to be surrounded by people.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want, need and desire to be accepted by others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want, need and desire, my own stability
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being instable.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be stable.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being stable.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want, need, and desire to control everyone in my life to like and accept me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want, need and desire for everyone to think positive thoughts about me.  
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want need and desire everyone to react positively to me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear people reacting negatively to me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not having any control over what people think and perceive of/about me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to generate energy within myself based on the people around me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel good when I like the people around me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bad when I dislike the people around me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel good or bad based on the people around me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself desire, want and need to feel good.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear feeling bad.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear feeling good.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire, want and need to feel bad.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to choose to feel superior to others, when I felt inferior to others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to choose to believe and perceive myself as superior to others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bad when I am faced with the possibility that I may say something in response to what someone said to me, that could/maybe lead to an emotional reaction inside him/her, that may cause him/her to blame me for what he/she is feeling and thus take physical action to avoid me on purpose so as to not speak to me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing the presence of someone.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel good with the presence of a person.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the thought/picture of myself as a child standing alone in a field without anyone around me, within and as me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the thought/picture of myself as a child standing alone in a field without anyone around me, to be connected to the moment that I feel good with the presence of someone.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with inferiority when I am faced with the possibility of Not being validated by someone, because they have chosen to react and thus ignore me, and thus leave me, and thus no longer provide me through their presence, my energy fix of feel good energy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel nervous because I might say something that will “mess things up” and "drive the person away,"

So I will finish up tomorrow, if I have the time, and my other priorities allow me. 

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Day 125- Walking some Supportive Words & walking a Mind Pattern of reacting while Communicating

So I have been noticing something, that some of us walking the JTL, may have been feeling stuck, for a long time. So when I have felt stuck in a rut before, well... one thing I know is that I am not living the principle(s) that are best for all. What do I mean by this? Well, in this writing, I am going to try to be very direct, and say things very plain. This is an experiment, because maybe how the mind works, it hates plain, it hates things being direct. So for those that really want a boost in there process or correction, this may work. I don't know, all I know is that I can write considering all points, all perspectives on this earth, and that is what I can do, and I can write in many many ways to express it, and here is one such way. HAHHAHAAH. Anyway,
So I guess I already said what I wanted to say to help those to get out of a sticky rut. To write by the principles you know already. Consider all points, ask yourself what is best for all, and well, write what is best for all. I guess I could just repeat myself. Write what is best for all. Maybe help yourself out, take something you faced, some reaction you had, and write about it. Now take it through what is best for all, the principles that consider all points. Hell, take anything through what is best for all. Take a famous television series through what is best for all. Take a movie, any movie through what is best for all. You can literally take ANYTHING through the principle of what is best for all. Don't believe me? Well let's take the remotest most seemingly insignificant or farfetched point through what is best for all. If this was a real time thing, I would take suggestions. I already thought of several things, and they all seem TOO EASY. Like Aluminum- that's easy. Or Sex thoughts that are possessing me- EASY.  Bacteria? EASY!!!!! I mean how about the atom that is the last tip of the smallest hair on my dog Shadow? That seems hard, maybe- but its easy too, because its still an atom. Atoms are here within and throughout the physical, and thus everything. My dad would often speak about atoms in an amazing spiritual way. For me, an atom is a being, one and equal to me. An atom, just like myself has accepted and allowed the entire existence to be how it has become. Its just I am in more of a position (seemingly) to do something about it. And regardless whether or not the atom on my dog's tail is standing, I will stand. So you see, I have not even finished writing my blog yet, but I am stating who I am, which is what is important here. Who are you?... because you choose. Everything is relevant, there is nothing that is not relevant. You choose whether you are relevant, it is your choice. Its just a stupid choice, because the answer is clear. You would be stupid to choose separation and limitation. Because your greatest fear would be realized, that everything that you are and everything you have done has come to nothing. So there, I made it easy for you. HAHAHAHA.
So Im going to split this blog into two parts. The next part is where I write something perhaps I fear, or have great difficulty walking in my process.

So I might as well share now, one point that I am "weak" in is communicating with people. So I obviously could have more weaknesses, but right now I am bringing up this point. So I notice one thing, is that sometimes I feel like I am under attack, and I get defensive, when I have already shared/spoken something and someone is responding to me. However, this pattern starts even before I initially spoke. I starts when I am listening. So let's say you are talking to me, or I am talking to myself. So you say something. Dogs are cute. And within this statement I am immediately assessing already, OK THIS IS AN OPINION. And I react already and feel resistant to saying NOT ALL DOGS ARE CUTE. Because if I say that, then its like I could see or envision that person, you, Looking, appearing or expressing a sad demeanor. And for some reason I have resistance to that possible future moment. Ok so the first thing I notice is that this is something I did way back when I was in middle school. Like I specifically stated to myself a principle of not making anyone sad, because I did not like feeling sad at all. And I would feel angry towards those who made other people sad through making fun of them. So you, know, um, ok the first impression, on the very surface is that WOW that guy is MATURE, no??? So that's was how I initially saw things. Ok, but now, I question it. Let's see....... So something I already walked in Desteni is how my emotions are my responsibility. So the point here, seems, that there is an underlying principle or statement here. The underlying point seems to play out when I am the one who says something that upsets someone. I feel Nervous. Its like a fear that they will somehow reject me, through like ignoring me, or pretending like I do not exist, which has happened to some varying degrees in my life. So perhaps the most extreme case, was with my first real girlfriend, where after we broke up, she ignored me completely. And now that I have said that, my first (1 week) girlfriend also ignored me and I felt similar. I felt rejected. I felt like nothing. Worthless. Its as if relationship validated who I am, and whether I accept myself as enough or valid or worthy. Because I need someone else to validate me. Now, having said this, I am in the middle of walking such a point where you utilize practically others as a way to test yourself and improve yourself, and you do so deliberately. So that's the correction we are after. Um. So. The validation pattern seems to be playing out with everyday people, not just girlfriends. Which makes sense from what I know about myself since in my past I also had a very strong energetic emphasis on people, either negative or positive, or placing myself as superior to them (which happened very often), but having said that, I realize now that the reason why I was placing myself superior to pretty much everyone in my life, was because I was feeling inferior inside myself. That I was seeking for some validation, for some way out of this experience of myself as inferior, so I choose the one option I had, at the time, to be superior. So there is an interesting history within this alone, however, I won't go into it for now. So then, so this specific pattern, well... I feel afraid of feeling negative (weird because fear is negative, so I feel negative about feeling negative? Weird)

SUMMARY


so I felt bad when I am faced already with the possibility of saying something in response to what someone said to me, that could/maybe lead to an emotional reaction (negative) inside of them, and may cause them to blame me for what they are feeling and thus take physical action to avoid me on purpose so as to not speak to me, which THIS IS WHAT I AM REACTING TO  :D
This possibility that they will avoid me, I am reacting to with fear of losing their presence. So I say presence here because I notice that when they are physically present I feel good, meaning they don't have to be talking to me directly or anything, its just that moment that I am with people, that I already feel good. So I had a flash moment, where a picture of myself standing in a field alone without anyone around me as a child, flashed before my eyes in a moment. So for me there feels like there could be a memory and situations, where that seems plenty, where I felt alone, and thought I am alone, and how I felt bad within that. So like the situation/memory of being the last one picked for teams. There are various situations that I have been in that have been like this, but I will just use one to represent all of them for now, and as I require to specify my process based on the feedback I get after I have walked the Self-forgiveness (SF) and the Corrective statements.

So to rephrase my current pattern
I am reacting with inferiority when I am faced with the possibility of NOT being validated by someone, because they have chosen to react and thus ignore me, and thus leave me, and thus no longer provide me, through their presence, my energetic fix of feel good energy.

So I feel nervous because I might say something that will "mess things up" and "drive the person away," and well the point of the pattern is to protect my current supply of energy through the relationships I have to all the people.

So the final dimension I will check in this current post is how when i have "chosen" to purposely share something that I had already generated the idea that if I were to share this it may lead to an emotional reaction in the other person. So from a practical perspective, its cool to see what things I will say will probably lead to an emotional reaction in another person, however it is not cool to feel upset or worried or nervous when I share something, anything, whether it leads to an actual emotional reaction in another person, or whether I truly believe that it is very likely that what I said will lead to an emotional reaction, that this is completely unacceptable. If I am directing myself and I choose to act then I am making a commitment to act this way, so I shouldn't second guess myself, I shouldn't be reacting within myself, instead I should just be completing the action that I sought out to do. Clear, complete inside myself, stable.

So what normally happens is, let's say I share something based on what another just said. Well, what I say is already distorted, because of the reactions I was participating within and as in the moment of writing/expressing and I am already expecting that the people I am communicating with will point out the confusion in my writing/expression or that they will be confused or misinterpret what I say because of the distortion. And within that expectation, I am generating again, nervousness and fear, but this time fear that they won't understand what I said, and fear that they will criticize what I said. So the fear is essentially an invitation for me to generate energy within myself with the exact thing I am expecting most to happen since I was writing in a reactive state, which involved moving quickly, second guessing, last minute decisions, and not being completely here within my body while writing.

So, I would say that is the end of the pattern. It is laid out for the most part. The next step is taking all of this through self-forgiveness. I will do this in the next 12-18 hours. See ya.
 Link for day 126- Self-forgiveness  http://yoganjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/12/day126-self-forgiveness-for-day125s.html

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Day124 -Needing, desiring, wanting to feel something

Feeling excited when I accomplish something. Needing, desiring, wanting to feel something.

Why can't I just do what I need to do? Why do I have to feel excited when I accompish something? Why do I need, want, and desire to feel something, and thus to then go after to accomplish something, since I feel excited by doing so.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel excited when I accomplish something.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to need, desire and want to feel something.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go after/ move myself, to accomplish something because I feel excited by doing so, and I have accepted and allowed the need, want and desire to feel something.

I accomplished sending a package in the mail today. I felt the need, want and desire to do so. I did not understand why in the moment it happened. With the need, want and desire, in that moment before I accomplished it and I was thinking of accomplishing it, I felt empty. Later when it was done, I felt full. This is not necessary.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel lacking, to feel empty.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel full, when I accomplished the thought of sending the package, and thus completed the cycle of the initial thought that led to the initial emptiness and lacking experience within me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to move according to thought.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about sending the package, and therefore receiving refunded money.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach energy to money, within and as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to need, want and desire money, within and as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not having money.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing the refunded money.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire, want and need to have the refunded money. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear feeling lack and emptiness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing the opportunity to experience fullness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire, need and want to avoid feeling empty and lacking. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire, want and need to feel full.
When and as I feel empty and lacking within and as myself, while having a thought about something to do or accomplish- i stop and I breathe- I realize that if I accept and allow myself to participate in this thought, I will be moving according to the mind, and thus be an outflow, and thus lead to consequence- I realize that by participating as the emotion known as emptiness and that of lacking, I am charging and validating the thought of doing something or accomplishing something, and thus I am participating one and equal with and as the thought and energy- I realize I will be more productive and more efficient if I were to direct myself and to manage my time, than if I were to think and follow thoughts about what I should/could be doing/accomplishing. 
I commit myself to manage my time so I can be productive and efficient.
When and as I feel full when i have completed a need/want/desire to do something or accomplish something- I stop and I breathe- I realize that the energy as the experience as fullness is killing me - I realize that I do not need to experience fullness- I realize I can only be experiencing fullness, if I have been experience lack and emptiness- I realize that feeling full is not a solution or answer for feeling emptiness and lacking within and as me- I realize that moving to accomplish a need/want/desire will not rid or end the experience of emptiness and lacking for good, as it is a cycle, and it starts firstly with my participation in the thought of desiring/wanting/needing something and participating in the experience of lack and emptiness. I realize that to end lack and emptiness, I need to end the experience of lack and emptiness, by stop participating within and as it, as myself, and by stopping participating within the thought and thinking of desiring/wanting/needing to accomplish/do something.

Sunday, December 15, 2013

Day 123 Making Eye Contact


Today, I woke up. I went to Ikea with my mom. We ate breakfast there. She bought some things. We came back home. I saw my dad a bit. I watched a hunger games movie with my sister.

So when I was in the Ikea store, I saw this blond haired girl. She was with her family shopping. I felt a reaction. I felt nervous. I looked away, I avoided eye contact with her. And as she turned in another direction, I felt more comfortable: at peace, to now look. I saw she had black-rimmed glasses.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel nervous when seeing the blond haired girl.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid eye contact with this girl.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel nervous when I was in a position where I could look in her eyes and she could look back. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel comfortable when I was in a position to look at this girl without her being able to look back at me, and see me looking at her.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear looking at the girl knowing that I am looking at her.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being seen by the girl, and knowing that she is looking at me.
When and as I see myself feeling nervous, when I am approached with a girl face to face – I stop and breathe- I realize eye contact is important to be able to do with another person-
I commit myself to make eye contact with the people I meet.

Saturday, December 14, 2013

Day122 BackChat: You don't know ANYTHING!

                 BackChat: Yogan, you don’t Know anything.
                        -Crying
                        -Throat region choked.
-Memory, the moment when an ex girlfriend was upset with me, and she cried, while sat next to her, looking down, feeling that life wasn’t worth living, with her out of my life. “Yogan, you don’t know anything, you say that you are unconditional love, but really you mean you WANT to be it. I felt Depressed
-I lied to her. I presented a false self. I presented myself falsely in my words, in who I said I was. I did speak to her saying the way I wanted to be. Which was an idea, which was energy.
 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept and allow the backchat: Yogan, you don’t Know anything, within and as myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect crying as a physical response to the backchat Yogan you don’t Know anything, within and as myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the physical response of getting choked in the throat to the words “Yogan, you don’t know anything.”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the words: Yogan, you don’t know anything, to the memory of sitting in X's room when she was crying, and felt upset, and told me, Yogan, you don’t know anything, you say you are unconditional love, but really you mean to say that want to be it, within and as myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel depressed when I have memory of sitting in X’s room when she was crying, and felt upset, and told me, Yogan, you don’t know anything, you say you are unconditional love, but really you mean to say that want to be it, within and as myself.
When and as I see myself feeling depressed, when I have memory of of sitting in X’s room when she was crying, and felt upset, and told me, Yogan, you don’t know anything, you say you are unconditional love, but really you mean to say that want to be it – I stop  - and I  breathe -  I realize that I am accepting and allowing mind components to be fed energy through participating in depression and this memory. 
I commit myself to stop this feeling of depression, wherever it may be in life, by investigating what it is connected to  and doing self-forgiveness on it, and its connections.

Friday, December 13, 2013

Day121- Comparing oneself to others, based on HOW you write

I have an ego. I judge and compare myself automatically with others. I even judge on how I do self-forgiveness. I judge having more longer or complex self-forgiveness as better. I feel validated when I write longer and more complex self-forgiveness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have an ego.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself automatically with others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge how I do self-forgiveness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge that self-forgiveness that is longer more or more complex is better than a shorter or more simpler self-forgiveness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to write longer and more complex self-forgiveness, in order to feel validated.
When and as I see myself feeling validated when writing a long and complex in structure self-forgiveness- I realize that doing something that is more challenging, that takes more time and effort, does not mean it is even of value- I realize that worth of something that one creates, is found in the outflow - I realize I rather do a short simple self-forgiveness than a long and complex one, if the short one is self-honest -
I commit myself to write the self-forgiveness of each future blog post, from this day on, self-honestly.

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Self-consciousness Series P1

Note: I wrote this on Wednesday December 11, 2013, Im posting it today, and writing another post for today.
It seems unacceptable to me to allow certain thoughts about how I look or who I am, which I make from Another person's perspective. So this is the topic of feeling self-conscious and thinking about what others could be thinking about you.

Memory
It was orientation week in my college. On one of those days, I was meeting our Odyssey group with whom I would do volunteer work. So were told to form a circle and to step inside the circle if the counselor in the middle asked us a question that would apply to us. So he asked various questions. So on one question, one of the last, he asked us whether we felt nervous being in a new college. Everyone stepped in the circle except me. In that moment that he asked that question, I looked inside myself and I felt excited, not nervous. However in that moment, where I did feel nervous in not stepping in, yet at the same time happy because I was honest in my response, a guy next to me, an upperclassmen that was serving as a guide for the Odyssey whispered to my ear that I was an Asshole. In that moment I took it very personal, and felt withdrawn now inside myself, and in a way scared to tell the truth about how I am. I questioned myself whether I was lying and maybe I felt nervous and not scared. I questioned myself whether I just wanted to appear cool or better than everyone else.
LINKED Memory
I was attending the orientation night at my new high school. I was transferring to a new high school, and my brother was entering the same high school for his first year. We were accompanied by our mother and for part of the night we were seated in the gym for a presentation. I remember feeling happy, and liking the presentation and also being surrounded by all of these people. My brother said to me in one moment that I thought I was better than everyone else there. I know I was not thinking that or feeling that. I know that I was smiling softly. I know that my brother can't read my thoughts. So I was looking for an explanation, and I also feared actually maybe being what my brother said, which he said it as a bad thing, and even I judge people who think they are better than others as something bad, both for the individual person himself and for others as well.

Review
So both of my memories show me that I take what others say, and in these cases the negative things, as true. Like instantly in one moment, having this fear that maybe without me knowing, without me being aware, that I can be something that I really do not want to be. Before these moments where I was told by someone else, who I am according to these persons, I felt fine, ok. I felt comfortable in who I am and in how I was living. When they told me this, and for many years after, I feared I could be these things, even without me meaning to, even without my awareness. It seems ridiculous now that I have written this down, that my only source for this fear was based on what another person said to me. Because this is not really evidence. The evidence for who I am, is found in who I am, which only I have direct access to. Not someone else, who looks what I say or do for ONE MOMENT, ONE MOMENT. I mean that's ridiculous. I can't even, nor would I accept myself to say anything about a person, from one thing, one moment for how they were or acted. So I shouldn't accept the same for myself. I should rather treat myself the same way that I treat others.

Forgiveness and Correction in my Behavior
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to in the moment when this upperclassman told me that I was an asshole- to immediately react and assume it was because I did not step into the circle, instead of realizing and understanding that within each one of us, including this person, that we have a network of mind systems that together with our input from the surrounding environment, dictates who we are and how we act, and thus allows for abusive and non-supportive acts.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how I acted was just a single piece of information, that could potentially serve as a trigger for all the mind systems, and so each person or any person that still has mind systems will/can use my actions as a trigger to then act or do things, which can include a verbal attack, and not really a useful piece of information, or helpful, or informative, or even a point of communication from one being to another. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take the perspective of the other being and thus really see how perhaps he is not really in control of his own actions, otherwise he would not be placing such useless and unsupportive information such as "Your an Asshole" which is not a statement done in terms of showing one's willingness to walk with another being.

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Mother and Father series P2- Momma's Boy

So I am a momma's boy. By that, I fear things, just as how my momma taught me. By its not just my mother, it is all of society, and how all mothers are currently accepting and allowing themselves to be. So its in the teachers, and educators, both paid and unpaid- hell, its in all of the adults. We educate fear and we all for some reason have the same rough approximation of what is SUCCESS. And for me I lived that to the T, while growing up. I lived what it was that I believed to be right, to be successful, that will give me a good life, that was what I should be doing. But who was it that decided all of this, like what I should be doing? was it me? really? or was it something I learned, and accepted so totally and unconditionally as myself? And I remember feeling a burning sensation within me, that I was right, that I was living the righteous path. And I would judge harshly those who were not living the right way. But, hell, I didn't even have a clue, how I worked, how my mind worked, how we worked. You know, I never once, really sat down and question what was the right thing to do, like really, question, it was as if I already knew. Now that can't be trusted, because no effort went into understanding how I should be, how we should be. It was only until someone told me, a different point of view from the usual list of excuses of how we should be, that I realized hey there is one answer, and it is simple and straightforward. WITHOUT ambiguous Bullshit!!! wow. That's amazing. So here I am. Still have programs of a momma's boy. I still have fear. Because I need to specifically question myself and call myself out when ever i accept such a fear as myself. Remember, no one, not your educators, nor your parents, know what it is that you really, actually, whole-heartedly, the god's honest truth should be or do with your life. If they say they do, then that's just bull. If you want to be free, join us. lite.desteniiprocess.com It only takes your time and effort.

Monday, December 9, 2013

Mother and Father Series P1

So to further strengthen who I am and my position, I will be writing out the programs that my mother and father have given me as a child. Each program I can already guarantee, do not assist and expression of Life as who I am here, as all as one and equal. The closest my parents ever got was to oneness, and this oneness was not equal in all parts, it was still a hierarchy of specialness.

So I will start with writing out all the programs first, I mean shit, within me, and in subsequent blog posts I will walk each program from start to end, with self-forgiveness, until its done.

Ok, so one program is the "your just a child, you don't know anything program."

Your just a child, you don't know anything
So adults often think that they know more than children. Now this is mind-boggling to me because adults were children once. And I as a child remembered knowing more than the adults often in very basic living things. So its actually in reverse at the moment, children know more than adults on how to live. So if your an adult and especially a parent, remember this. And also if your a child. In fact everyone you better remember this! So one way that my parents expressed and imbued me with this program was/is whenever they did not listen to me. So please everyone, please listen and be here with everyone. So to clarify this point further, to listen is to be here in a point of oneness and equality with the person and to follow what they are saying, because they are you, a being here that is expressing him/her self.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on myself, because I am too far gone to be help, and thus give up on existence because existence is in deep shit.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to listen to the voices in the head, instead of listening to what is here, real, and relevant to us, Life, on this planet/home we call Earth.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow whims and fancies of the mind, and so compromise my children, and all the children on this planet because I was not willing to place the needs of another before my own for a moment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself to such an extent that I cannot see that all is in fact me one and equal.
I forgive myself for accepting adn allowing myself to not see beyone the mind, and see what is here.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow any form of abuse, whether it be verbal or physical.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept and allow abuse in the form of me being absent from what is here, and so allowing abuse to be committed by me onto me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to listen to my parents just because they are my parents, instead of considering my parents as all as one and equal and thus can be banished, can be forgotten and thus can be left behind, if they exclude themselves from the definition of Life as all as one and equal.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish that everyone I know will stand up, because wishing itself won't do anything.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow programs within me that were placed within me in childhood to determine who I am, and how I live.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to HONOR the parent for sacrificing so much to ensure the survival of the child, because the parent was the one that brought the child onto this planet in the first place thus it is their obligation and literally informs who the parent is as a creator.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow all the abuse of all the parents in this world that literally rape their children with fear, and limit and stunt their children so that they can be enslaved by the parent and become just another piece of property and ownership for the parent to use in their sick mind games.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself, my expression and what I am capable of because of what my parents told me about who I am, where they literally inform me who I supposedly am, when they obviously did not know who they were.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow my parent's idea of humility, which is slavery, to submit oneness to higher forces, to gods, to the mind and that their are things you can't understand, and so you must also submit and live within fear.
 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to as a child, to not stand up as all children and take our rightful place, and remove the point of greed, horror, and fear within existence.

We as everyone, which includes the children, do not OWE anything to anyone. Abusers will receive their punishment, which will be in the form of their own separation. Because we stand for everyone, and if your not with us, you are literally against everyone, including yourself. This includes parents that do not hold a special place in our hearts. Because we are all one and equal, and no one can escape that, not even parents. The solution is self-forgiveness parents, so apply that fervently. But, CHANGE!!!!!!!

 

Friday, December 6, 2013

Applying what I learned today- incorporating memories.

So something interesting opened up with my chat with my buddy from DIP today.

Im just going to apply it now and then talk about it after.

So in the moment, sitting down in front of my computer, making a deep sigh, turning my eyes to the side, and thinking I don't know what to do and feeling stressed.

A memory of sitting the night before a paper is due for a college class. I need to work on it and I haven't been working on it. I feel stressed. I start thinking to myself that I can't do it that it is too late.

I forgive myself for accepting adn allowing myself to feel stressed when I have a ton of work to do.

I perceive the same thing towards the moment of sitting down, here to write this blog. That it is too late for some things, like some consequences. I am thinking of the death of a dog that I might have prevented if I were different.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to punish myself through use of this memory whenever I take responsibility adn move myself because I feel guilty for having led to a dog's death through not standing up in one moment.

A memory in regards, to thinking what do I do!!! I am sitting in my room in college, for my first year, and I am asking God what to do in a prayer. I feel lost, confused and hopeless.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sit and wait within my lostness, confusion and and hopelessness, instead of standing up and finding practical solutions to my problems.

The same waiting is happening now in the moment of sitting down, I am waiting for some answer to miraculously show up, for something for me to realize which I hadn't previously and everything would now be clear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wait for an answer to miraculously to show up.
 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel hopeless, and discouraged when I made a mistake through not standing up in one moment, instead of learning from my mistake and correcting it in how I live.

"Yogan, you don't know anything"
A memory of friends, where I tell them my point of view on something, and they disagree with me and tell me, that I don't know, that I am wrong, adn I feel inferior.

I forgive myself for accepting adn allowing myself to feel inferior when someone tells me I am wrong.
I forgive myself ofr accepting and allowing myself to take what negative statements that someone else makes at face value, instead of questioning everything, including the negative.


This point of sitting down here to write this blog, has this same element, acting as a punishment device for when I move myself, and thus I feel inferior if I move myself.
When and as I am sitting down to write in my blog, and I am reacting- I stop and I breathe-
I realize that i must question this reaction-
I commit myself to question and investigate my reactions to writing.


So, what I applied here was seeing what memories I had of my experience that were attached or connected to or just came up when I was feeling or thinking something distinct, and to write that memory out, which gave me insight into the current moment in which I had these reactions.And through forgiveness I saw a whole pattern and this pattern made sense now.

Follow up from yesterday & opening up a point of Fear

Ok so in my last post I made it clear what I was doing, so stopping any movement within me, which is not me directing it. So I have been applying this for the past 24-ish hours. So while I was applying it I had great success. And I have been able to sit with the reactions I have been having and simply be here with them, which already has become a point of release or stability, Im not sure how to describe it. Though I have to walk this each time with each set of thoughts I have. So with a new set of thoughts, by new I mean thoughts I have not yet sat with and walk with yet, it is that exact point of not having walked it yet, so it is that point of separation that makes it seems so big, but when I stop and walk with those thoughts, then everything is cool. So like right now for example when going to bed to go to sleep, there was a set I thoughts I had, which I did not stand one and equal to, and walk with, so it became overwhelming and I allowed it to direct me. I at some point took practical action of living how I want to live and not how I am thinking. One set of thoughts I have has been placed with the voice/memory of a particular being, which is already separation. So that's what I can walk now, as an example and same time support, since it is what I practically walk with each thought, so let's walk it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place a thought within the voice, or frame of reference of any being/person that I have encountered in my life, and so hold a recollection of.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take a memory of a person and place that within a thought as if the thought is speaking to me as this person, when it is of course not, its just a memory or imagination.
I realize now that we are all crazy because we do this all the time, and we act as if our thoughts are real and it is really this person that is talking with us, and we call that normal.
I realize now that parents all indoctrinate their children with their voices, and thus with the information stored/saved as memories, which become living memories as voices in the head as children, which end up being the support that children use, however, as my experience has shown to me, this is a paranoia and limitation, since the point of the physical is not the starting point of thought, since the starting point of all thought is self-interest of the thought, or interest of thought's survival.
Thus, there can never be a resolution or compromise with a point that does not take the interest of all, which includes the physical, which is what is real, not thought, which is only a point of information in relation to what is practical or not.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see it as ok and acceptable to keep thinking, when I really don't see it as ok, so in essence I have been accepting lies and things which I have been against, as thought within me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stand up for once and for all, and take directive power and responsibility to live, every part of me, and every aspect of life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think of excuses and accept excuses as ok, when there is no excuse or justification to what is happening on earth right now, or what is happening within us, which we are accepting and allowing. There is none.

So I realize I have only been waiting for me to stand up, for me to act. So in that sense we are perfect because we have the capability to correct our messes, to take responsibility for what we do, and how we live. We just need to live it, which would make it real, no? Living it?

So one constant fear I have is people taking what I say and reading something or perceiving something which is not what I meant. Particularly people getting hostile or angry or confused with what I said and then ignore me degrade me in value in their minds. And that's not something I can control, what people think. Heck, people in general can't control their own thoughts, haha. I mean look at me. So I really shouldn't be worried so much on what other people think of me, but more so the lack of responsibility and forgiveness in changing our thoughts and standing up together. So its never been about just me or just them; its always been about all of us, and our relationship to our individual thought, words and mind in total. To everything, really.
TBC.......

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Asking for Help- Reflections & Considerations

Asking for help
So asking for help is cool, however like with anything, we can take something which can be self-supportive, and actually use it in a way that it is not self-supportive. So for example, when asking for helping as a way to do better in something or expand oneself (so whatever that means in the context), in contrast to when asking for help and one does not actually expand or can be expressed as not doing one's best, but is retracting self and relying on others to do the supposed work that self would have done. So, each one knows already when one does this, so it is our responsibility to act. And if your really not sure whether you do this, then one thing that can be practiced is sitting with self and being honest with self about what happened, and who self was in a moment prior. That's what cool about self-honesty, you always have access to yourself, just be honest. After reading what I wrote, I realized something cool: you decide, to be self-supportive, and thus you are self-supportive, and you can express that within all domains/contexts. So its really about who you are. Self. So be with yourself, don't leave your self behind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not always stand in a stance of self-support, where I assist and support myself in every moment in whatever I do, and to also include others within this definition so that they may stand in a position of self-support and thus support themselves.
So to realize this, I commit myself to assist and support others so as that they may assist and support themselves, and thus stand within the position of self-support, which I realize now that the economic solutions of LIG and EMS apply this principle of self-support, since within each economic revision, the people are given the tools necessary to assist and support themselves in their lives to expand and grow.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing within myself, any movement of thought or energy, regardless of its content, since I understand after many years of investigation, that one thought can screw you if you allow it, since as someone once said to me, all thoughts is deception, because each thought has a self-interest, and interest that is not including all selves, but just one self- just that one thought's interest, and thus thoughts do not take my interest into account nor the interest of anyone else. This is why I say I am not my mind- because I am including all interests, and that is my goal/aim, and I realize that THAT is who I really am, because I have chosen such a fate for me- that is my destiny.

So whenever there is a voice speaking to me, that is not me- I stop it- I silence it- I stop it dead in its tracks- because it is not me- because I am not directing it- thus I must stop the separation or division within/of myself- to be one being- whole- that is me- that is I that directs me- completely. So whether it is positive, negative, of someone else's voice, of an imagintion, or whatever content imaginable- I stop it- it doesn't matter the content, nor the intelligence, nor the wisdom or stupidity of the thought- it must stop. The same goes for the emotional/feeling charge- that too must stop. Because I must direct me completely, which means directing how I feel- which should be a point of expression not something that happens to me, but something I do, I act, I speak. So the separation must stop between all points within me. I will become the one point that directs, which is not some great honor, but simply how it must be if I want to really exist, to truly existence for once and for all. So I do this, I give this to myself, with every act I take to stop the mind, and every act I take to express myself- thus I give myself life- thus I create myself- and thus I stop being outflow or reaction of my surroundings and my programming- I instead become something else entirely. So I have to live this for myself, not for anyone else, but me- because others can give this to them self, but its their choice- you do it, like I do it. And its not much of a choice, because its better in every way.

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Reflections of right now

So there comes a moment in your life where your presented with something you could not have even imagined. And with that I found myself wanting to rush, which is like in a way living in the mind. It is not here. There is a way to move where you move fast, however it is done with at the same time being slow, and importantly aware. I suppose words fail to capture what I mean. I could write this a hundred different ways, yet I am still sure that each one can understand or relate to what I am saying despite of all the reasons and justifications that one often has being spoken in the mind.

So one thing that we ALL have in common as beings, is this... being a creator. We are all equally hold this description, and strangely enough we are on this one planet, which makes this our own creation, everything. Everything you see, you have created. We create this reality together. At the same time, I have to recognize that some are aware, or maybe I shouldn't say that, because aren't we all aware, and just some choose to play "evil" or spiteful? Looking at my life, there was never a time I was unaware of what I was doing, and that there was another way. Sure, sometimes I would say there was no other way, but everyone knows that just saying is not the same as being, which is real. Saying can be a lie. The truth is within being, or who you are, which you constantly see, do you not? Aren't you with yourself in every moment?

So there are those who are better. Not because they are inherently better, but because they have chosen to be this way. And everyone makes their choice. I before had thought that everyone was inherently good. And im sure other people have thought people are inherently bad. But it doesn't matter what we believe. In fact, probably the only thing that matters is who YOU are. Because that is who you deal with in moment to moment. And it also matters who is in your life. Because it is like your environment, and how you take care of that environment, which is a relationship between you and each point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I know better than other people, instead of taking what everyone says and testing it within myself.