“…simply make things better for someone else, as if I were to be born again, and that someone else, and it doesn't have to be me, but it could be someone like me, that they would have a better life than I had, that everyone was better. There is something seriously wrong with everyone, and that is something I observed when I was very young. We are the problem, and we need to become better, because we are fucking everything up.”
“So this is who I am. There is something seriously wrong with everyone and we need to fix it, if not for us, then for the future generations."
"Everything I have done in this life, and everything I will do, is for this purpose.”

Friday, December 6, 2013

Applying what I learned today- incorporating memories.

So something interesting opened up with my chat with my buddy from DIP today.

Im just going to apply it now and then talk about it after.

So in the moment, sitting down in front of my computer, making a deep sigh, turning my eyes to the side, and thinking I don't know what to do and feeling stressed.

A memory of sitting the night before a paper is due for a college class. I need to work on it and I haven't been working on it. I feel stressed. I start thinking to myself that I can't do it that it is too late.

I forgive myself for accepting adn allowing myself to feel stressed when I have a ton of work to do.

I perceive the same thing towards the moment of sitting down, here to write this blog. That it is too late for some things, like some consequences. I am thinking of the death of a dog that I might have prevented if I were different.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to punish myself through use of this memory whenever I take responsibility adn move myself because I feel guilty for having led to a dog's death through not standing up in one moment.

A memory in regards, to thinking what do I do!!! I am sitting in my room in college, for my first year, and I am asking God what to do in a prayer. I feel lost, confused and hopeless.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sit and wait within my lostness, confusion and and hopelessness, instead of standing up and finding practical solutions to my problems.

The same waiting is happening now in the moment of sitting down, I am waiting for some answer to miraculously show up, for something for me to realize which I hadn't previously and everything would now be clear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wait for an answer to miraculously to show up.
 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel hopeless, and discouraged when I made a mistake through not standing up in one moment, instead of learning from my mistake and correcting it in how I live.

"Yogan, you don't know anything"
A memory of friends, where I tell them my point of view on something, and they disagree with me and tell me, that I don't know, that I am wrong, adn I feel inferior.

I forgive myself for accepting adn allowing myself to feel inferior when someone tells me I am wrong.
I forgive myself ofr accepting and allowing myself to take what negative statements that someone else makes at face value, instead of questioning everything, including the negative.

This point of sitting down here to write this blog, has this same element, acting as a punishment device for when I move myself, and thus I feel inferior if I move myself.
When and as I am sitting down to write in my blog, and I am reacting- I stop and I breathe-
I realize that i must question this reaction-
I commit myself to question and investigate my reactions to writing.

So, what I applied here was seeing what memories I had of my experience that were attached or connected to or just came up when I was feeling or thinking something distinct, and to write that memory out, which gave me insight into the current moment in which I had these reactions.And through forgiveness I saw a whole pattern and this pattern made sense now.

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