Day 755 Being Vulnerable

So I'm going to be describing something that may be very hard to understand. Even with the right words, if you read it too quickly, then you are already accessing the idea of it.

Being vulnerable in asking someone something:

Can I go with you?
Will you help me?
Can I have your number?
Can we hangout?
Do you want to go to...?
And here, imagine that you are truly saying these words as truly asking the person. Not putting up a facade, not trying to be cool, not trying to already shield/guard yourself and act like you don't care. Truly being vulnerable in truly asking for what you want and so you are declaring to the person what you want and you are in the same moment ready to hear them say Yes or No.

That moment is the one I fear. I fear vulnerability. And when I look at people in general, everyone does as well. And the common advice that I hear and have been told is to be STRONG and CONFIDENT and basically FUCK THEM if they say no. And this is what I see everyone giving as advice- to just move on.

What is interesting to see is how all males are expected to be unemotional. And females are also criticized for being over emotional. So has anyone ever considered that both males and females are encouraged to be unemotional and simply not care- simply blow things off, and be cool and stable all the time? males and females are both pressured to be the same way. I don't think I have ever heard anyone really point this out, in such this way, have you?

What I notice is that for some people they react to seeing someone being truly vulnerable- when they see someone being vulnerable in asking/saying what they want, it draws a negative reaction as a kind of aggression and desire to suppress that person. The reason why I think is because that person's fear of that very point of them actually being vulnerable and facing their own rejection is scary. So it reminds them of the point.

We are programmed, both males and females, to fear being vulnerable and real. And here vulnerable is truly saying and asking for what you want truly. So what I see as what's all too common is that everyone is just playing it cool, acting like they don't care- and trying to be Strong and Confident.

What's interesting though is the moment when someone says Yes, and really they respond to your vulnerability. Like we all can tell when someone is being vulnerable and real with us- we know it- we hear it in the voice. And we can all tell when we are being strong/confident as simply a reaction to feeling afraid of rejection. So having that real moment and having someone recognize it, and saying yes, that's like something real.

The practice then is being vulnerable and asking those vulnerable questions. Asking these questions already places you in a vulnerable position- you are saying what you want, and the other person is deciding- you are literally vulnerable here, you are powerless in that sense- you may face rejection- and trying to cover it up and react by pretending to be strong/confident is a lie to yourself. You are asking something vulnerable, you are being vulnerable, that is the truth of the moment.

And what I have noticed/learned about me is that I have spent a good deal of time trying to be confident and strong, and by doing so as following the advice of people and so following our collective programming- I haven't pursued or done vulnerable things or asked vulnerable questions. The only way to do such things is to be vulnerable- not being trying to react and be like strong/confident.

The programming I see is that we try to become confident/strong which is a reaction to feeling fear to moment of being vulnerable and open and so you can be told no. So you can look at how real strength is not in avoiding the fear/vulnerability- but true strength is actually being vulnerable, facing the fear by facing/doing the actual moment of asking the questions and so stating/asking for what you want- which by its nature/design is very vulnerable. This fact and this part of human life, and simply living is quite interesting- being vulnerable is being real.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be strong

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be confident

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to not feel scared

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to feeling fear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be unfeeling and just be tough

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be aggressive and judgmental

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be powerful in saying it is their loss

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enter into the idea from society
about what confidence is, about what security is, about what being stable is- as not feeling scared, and appearing unmoved.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see how being vulnerable and real in asking something is what vulnerability is, is what is being real, really saying and asking permission and really being told yes or no. That is real strength.

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