The most important thing that I can offer existence is to show that its possible to live and exist without thought, emotion and feeling. To show what its like to no longer feel insulted, intimidated, scared, worried, love, hope, sadness, excitement. To show what it is like to smile for real, laugh real, spontaneously in the moment, unplanned.

Wednesday, February 20, 2019

day 697 Separation Anxiety

Separation Anxiety
There is someone I am separate from right now and its causing this separation anxiety. A commonly used word to describe this thing. Now, I immediately see it relates to me being a child, getting lost, separate from my mom in particular, and that fear of never seeing my mom again, and somehow being lost forever, whether that's due to being kidnapped, murdered, or dying accidentally while I am lost. I have had that moment as a kid where I am wandering in the supermarket and I try to find my mom, and have that thought and anxiety of never seeing her again, and then my heart starts racing, I start believing it, and I get scared and I start to frantically check all the aisles. Another was a memory at a carnival amusement park. Same thing.

So this is something physical. Its in my body. I can feel it sitting here in my body as me as my body. These memories and these reactions are here in my body as me. The emotions, the energies, the experiences are sitting here as me. And so this separation anxiety I am experiencing now as an adult is rooted in these past moments, just unleashed after years of waiting. Here it is.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear never seeing this person again, and want to frantically go find this person.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to die or the other person dying before finding them, seeing them again.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be anxious, scared, nervous.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not having control of my life, my destiny, my future, and being limited, being powerless, and unable to change things.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate myself for being powerless, for not being strong, for not being able to change things, for not being able to make things different, right or better.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being weak, fear being limited, fear being not strong enough, unable, incapable, not almighty.

I realize I only have so much power, and so much I can do and learn to do, and become stronger to do.

I realize my FEAR is what is keeping this in place, and that the solution isn't to wish I was stronger or focus on becoming stronger to manage my fears, but to actually just let go of the fears.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to focus on becoming stronger and more powerful as a solution to my anxiety and fears of the future, instead of just letting go of the fears and anxiety directly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing my fears and letting them go.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing this person, to fear losing people, to fear losing people I love, people I know, people in my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing groups, and results in reality, land, things, money, power.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to approach fear with strength instead of just gentleness, care, femininity and just letting go.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my plans not working out, to fear things not going out how I want, to fear things falling part, collapsing.

I accept and embrace what is here as it is.

My Strength is my ability to accept and embrace what is here.

I accept and embrace the fact that I'm separate in physical locations from this person. And that is my strength. I realize I don't have all the power and ability now to go to this person. I realize that patience is key sometimes. I realize that planning and preparation is what I can do in the meantime while I wait for things to move together and align. I realize that having faith that things can work out is important. I realize I accepting and embracing the limit in what I can do will make me much happier and relaxed. I embrace and accept what is here.

 So my redefinition of Strength is to accept and embrace what is here.
So with that starting point of strength as embracing, I can more readily and easily move me with ease, calm, and levelheadedness, to do what I can practically here and now.

I do find it difficult/non-natural to accept/embrace what is here as a starting point before moving/acting, especially in this context situation, where I just want to be frantically moving, in search of the person I'm separated from.

Thank you for reading my blog,
as a special note: Eqafe has launched Eqafe Unlimited, which allows you access to the entire library of Eqafe for a monthly subscription, just like Netflix. Its cheap and affordable. I have used eqafe to find and search for a point I had trouble with in process, such as anger, or fears. It always gave me that extra hint/clue to help me along in opening up a point in writing. Check it out! www.eqafe.com


Below I linked a Relevant Eqafe Interview on Anxiety/Fear:


In this Interview, a woman comes through sharing her process of how anxiety became fear and eventually petrification that she defined within the context of ‘Unpredictability’ – how unpredictability became a fear, and with human beings and this world being Unpredictable; how this Fear drove her into absolute separation and isolation and the consequences of this Fear on her human physical body.

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