Day 696 A Lone Wolf No More

Being a Loner, a Lone Wolf,

I should be able to be ALONE, not need anyone. I should be able to exist within ANYONE.

That is where I should go, develop and be...

All of the above is a LIE...

Its a lie.

The true way of living is the a mix of independence and dependence.

Even more so, hold dear and deep to my heart those that bring out the best in me, those who bring me the most joy, the most expression, the most creativity, the most love, the most fun. And hold them to my heart, remember them, call them, talk to them, keep them in my EVERYDAY Life. Even though they are not physically present. I can't hold them or hug them. They are very far away. But they are more real to me, and bring out the best in me. No fact can change that fact.

Except me. Just me that can take that away. Just me that won't fight for it. And I have to fight for it. Its not automatic or natural. But if I fight for it, I get it, and it is better than anything. It is real.

I have to fight being a loner, I have to change. I have to change being a Lone Wolf. I have to eradicate this idea that to be my best self means being alone, means being able to be alone. I have to erase this idea, get rid of it. It has been my natural tendency and whole hearted belief that being alone is being strong, that being without connections makes me strong. That's a lie.

I am more stronger now, having these alive connections with these living people far far away, than ever before. A piece of my heart is for each person. Neither is more or greater than the other, but each is fulfilling and unique, yet the same. The same because what unites us is the process point, is the physicality point, is the awareness point. You can't fake that or replicate that anywhere. That cannot be replaced or simulated. That is what it is. So utterly unique and beautiful.

So that in my self, I am not alone. I have many people I am a part of, that is a part of my life. Though physically I am alone without them. In my self I am not alone, we are together. I am living my life with them, a part of my life, a part of my self. They are a part of me.

A new way to live the phrase, Alone yet Together.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge being alone as good.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge together as bad, as weakness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge being alone as Strong.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge having someone here in the physical who supports me as process as me being weak.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as strong for not needing anyone in process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not admit that I need people, I need people who are walking process, I need to walk with people, socially, holding them here in my heart.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to push such people away.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be alone, to be a lone wolf, to handle things alone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear holding people in my heart that make me better, that make me stronger, that make me laugh more, see more, do more, be more, be better.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I love people more than I love my biological family, than that makes me bad, that that makes me a bad person, a bad son.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge and compare, instead of understanding, understanding the differences, understanding who we are as people.

You can't fake real love. The real love, is when the people you are with, are all supportive, all taking responsibility for themselves, all are cool, where you can say and do things, you can make a mistake, that you can openly share a point, openly talk about the mind, talk about taking responsibility for all of yourself.... that is paradise, that is heaven on earth. And that is real love. And all of this done by people with awareness, they are creating themselves to be this way, it wasn't preprogrammed, it is real, original, here in the moment, and created from a LONG period of self-application.

You can't fake that.

You can't lie about, lie to yourself about its existence, deny it, suppress it. Feel shameful of it, feel guilty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty that I don't love my father or mother as much as I love these people, as much as I enjoy these people.

I realize that love isn't up to me, its whether you are open to it or not. Its whether you recognize it or deny it.

I can't pretend to love some one as much as I can with these people who are specific in who they are, who have created themselves willingly, who have awareness, who pushed through trials and tribulations, who took risks, who gave up parts of their ego, of their mind willingly.

Why should love be a decision or an obligation, why can't it be what it is? True love, real love for someone. You love someone for who they are. Not because they are your son or daughter, or gave you this or that.

You can't fake that.

You either deny it or embrace it and live it openly.

This love is unlike any other. It is equally for each of these person's. It is not sexual or romantic at all. It Burns in my chest, it is passionate. It binds me to them across all distance. It is patient and it is kind. And it is for these specific people, flesh and blood. Its not an idea. And it is not Me ALONE.

This specific love cannot be me Alone. I'm sure there is another specific love just for me. But this one here is not me alone, it is for them. I love the space that is created with, i love the expressions and creativity that is possible in real time interactions with them. I love the absolute complete support with them and the respect of myself as an individual that I receive.

You can't fake that. You can't buy that.  You can only give yourself that through walking your process.

And then you have to be open to that, to receive that, to live that, which is what I'm busy working on now.