Day 739 You're Welcome!

There is a particular writing voice I want to practice. Its one I have used before. Maybe it will help or maybe its effective. Let's see.

Clears my throat. Hi humanity/world, my name is Yogan. I am walking a process with my mind/self. To stop the mind/past, and reconfigure myself into expressions that are best for all, and applied in moments.

Right now I'm walking processes that are specific. I'm trying to understand specifically what is going on with certain mind points/personalities. Part of my conclusions as what I need to do is to try to live what is best for all more. To in moments where I am not sure what exactly to do or say, that I try my best anyway. And so I keep on trying. That is what I'm doing now with this blog. I don't know where its going exactly. I don't have some plan or outline. I suppose its like rambling. But I am trying. I am trying to find a way to speak what is best for all and put it out there.

I have walked a lot of mind, but the nature of what I have walked in the past was always of a more intense nature, and yes reactive nature, and also drove me to action with vigor/readiness and knowing what to do about it. So that has been the past.

In the present, I am dealing with something reactive but its more subtle. I don't know what to do with it. I am conflicted in some ways, I'm not sure about it. I mean it is reactive in nature because in some moments its here and its not. And I know I do want to change it. But I don't have that vigor/readiness, and I don't know exactly where to start/go like for sure.

I suppose that's why I need to just try. I need to try things out cause I don't know. I mean it is what I have been doing for sure, trying different things with it. And now part of my conclusions is that I need to live what is best for all more, especially in these moments where I don't know exactly what to do, I don't have that confidence. But I think this means something, this is a kind of lesson. Its a kind of practicing to live what is best for all, even when you don't know, even when its like I'm confronted with people doubting me, or at least it feels that way.

I feel vulnerable, I feel soft/supple/sensitive, and that's not bad. I also feel genuine and relaxed and kind of at peace very strangely. I also feel like I got a realistic grasp on things in the world, and in my life.

I suppose I look back on my past blogs where I have been super confident about things, where I knew what to do and what to say and where to stand. And I am comparing myself to back then. So yeah, I'm here now. I'm not back there. 

Change is good though, it means I am trying new things and I am exploring other parts of me. Who knows? Maybe if I walk this through I can gain access to more sensitive sides of myself that I can express more confidently.

Sometimes in life we have to be lost, and that doesn't mean I have to just sit around and not try to express myself or expose myself to the world. I am walking through something, this is real, this is what I'm really going through. Ideally I would walk it all within understanding with solutions in place for everyone else, but I don't. So I'm really walking this in real time. And again, part of the solution I am seeing is to walk it like this, to try to speak/live what is best for all and this includes writing blogs on what is here.

So there is no inspiring words in this blog, it is me really expressing what I am going through, and not having all the solutions/answers.

When I am in such a space within myself I do stick for and look for words or principles that I can hold onto. And I try to identify the problems/issues.

In some ways I feel like a novice, that I am incapable of doing some things. I feel weak. Its mostly in relation to the world out there, to this world system. And yeah its tough. Its about how to be in relation to the world, how to be in relation to people. It's about how I am alone in this world, in not having the advice or understanding from others to navigate it and also receiving bad advice as well. It's like I really have to depend on myself. I would rather have someone guide me, but there isn't any such person, even though I think there should be. And I also feel/sense that most people have went through or are going through the same thing. That people just stumble through the world not really knowing where they will end up.

What I am faced with is the reality of the world system we have today. It does divide us, it does classify us through many ways/rules/definitions. It does it through clothes and clothing, through religions and ideas, through money, through education. And for me its weird. For me I have been pushing to see everyone the same no matter their backgrounds, and so for me it wouldn't be strange being friends from a working background, an educated person, or religious, if you want to classify it as that. But I am seeing how in just a few words/moments people do judge. And for me its weird.

I mean when I think back to when I was 18, I would have said of course people judge! Of course everyone is wearing a mask and is pretending. Of course! So I guess in some ways I have changed. I have made many efforts to get to know various different people and it has worked. I have changed since back then, but at the same time its almost like I am a new person to the world and I am disturbed/shocked and I don't know how to navigate the world. One thing I know how to be for sure is myself.

And that's another thing, where being myself leads to others reacting. And then its like, I'm not sure how to be or what to do. And the lesson here is to do what's best for all. To try to say something or do something. I know that there is so much I can't control. And so I have to accept a lot of things that I can't change. But at the same time I need to try my best and keep trying and not give up. This world is like this, it will resist you, it will bring you down, it will find a way to mess things up. But I have to keep trying and going at it, and keeping being me, and keeping being what is best for all.

Something I am realizing for the sake of practicality is that with the word Welcoming I can see what people are welcoming to me. This can happen in a conversation or interaction, I can see if someone was indeed welcoming to me, and inviting me almost. It's definitely a sign/indication that I can continue to call this person or see them and have a really equal conversation with them. And I don't think its because of anything I did in particular, its really how they are responding, and almost like who they are, and maybe in relation to me specifically? Again, its not something I control, but its something natural. Natural in the sense that I didn't control it or manipulate it. Which when you are free of that burden I mean that is what natural is isn't it?

So this is what I am concluding, that to be welcoming to everyone is important, so I need to do that. Because when I was shy and quiet I didn't do that. And just like how I am being welcomed by others, then I need to welcome others too. So it works both ways. And so the idea is that I pursue the relationships with men and women that are welcoming in that particular sense. I suppose I am using a word here to refer to something which you as a reader can't really know. Because the other dimension to this is when people are not welcoming. And so I can divide it clearly between the two: welcoming and not welcoming. And its not a judgment but an observation based on what is here.

One point is that being welcoming to others is very important since I don't know who is going to welcome be back, but at the same time its not the idea of having to welcome others against their will or anything like that. So really its about pursuing those talks and interacts with people who are welcoming you!

So something I observed which is very important is how there are people who are not welcoming you but are making the effort to talk with you and respond, but in such interactions the person is having a secret agenda I suppose. What I am saying is that the welcoming point is not there, and its like an interaction with a person which is one you are soon to forget. Its not very memorable or impactful. Yet you could pursue the interaction if you wanted to. In the end though what I found was that that welcoming point was lacking and it didn't have that fulfillment or that sense that you are really with a person. It's odd. But its an important lesson. It shows/reveals something real in the world that can be found/encountered.

I mean, people are all different, and maybe someone is not welcoming to me because they are racist, because they don't like young people, or males, or whatever. So again, its a theme of not really having control/say over the person/moment. And its really about just putting yourself out there, being welcoming to everyone, and seeing who is welcoming to you in the conversation/interaction and then pursue that!

The idea is that it will be harmonious and natural. I suppose there are people that are doing exactly what I am saying in a very instinctual and intuitive sense. They just do it, they go after and pursue what is welcoming, harmonious, and they don't pursue what isn't it.

Obviously I am doing something different here, I am walking with it aloud in a very specific writing and sharing it online. But its something for me to learn and realize. Because we aren't all preprogrammed the same. If anything, I was preprogrammed to go after the interactions that are tough/unnatural and inharmonious. I can't say why I am like this, but I can say I have been disappointed many times.

The same goes with career/jobs. Obviously too, or at least it should be, its better to work with an employer who is welcoming to you. Now I was about to write: wants you to be there. I just did write it, but I deleted it, since there is a difference here between someone welcoming you and wanting you to be there. Again it comes down to ulterior motives or secret agendas. People are selfish, and so maybe they want you to be around so they can fill the position, but they don't REALLY want you there, does that make sense? So its odd but its like they are choosing you, but aren't welcoming to you. 

In the case of relationship, the analogous point would be someone who really wants a boyfriend but feels like they can't get who they want. And so when they see you then are like kinda of choosing you, but within that belief like they don't have other options and so they are kinda forced too. So that's why the interactions are all forced and unnatural. They aren't welcoming you, but are still pursuing that relationship anyway because they REALLY REALLY WANT IT.

So with an employer maybe they really want that position to be filled but they aren't welcoming you for some reason. Maybe its a judgment of your race, or your age or they don't like your personality or whatever. At the same time an employer maybe forced to pick you but they also are welcoming. So really it comes down to that dimension of welcoming. Let me define it.

Welcoming is like feeling like the person is there for you and has got your back. That you can go to them with your concerns and worries and they will listen to you. That they are responsive to you, that they are listening to you, that they are wanting to help you, and they sensitive to your needs/concerns. I mean yeah that's welcoming for sure. And with that definition I can easily classify people and my interactions with them into those two groups: welcoming or not welcoming. They either got it or they don't. And again, why that is? I don't know. But for now its not about understanding why. Its about respecting that I don't have control over others, and also to go after the opportunities presented to me. These are the people I can pursue interactions with and they are welcoming, so then DO IT!!!!!! And these people aren't welcoming, so don't pursue it. At the same time I see its practical to check in every now and then with people who aren't welcoming. Because I remember when I was 18 and I was so shy and I wasn't welcoming to others. I know people can change.

An important point is how stable the interactions are, meaning for people who are welcoming that they continue to be so seemingly endlessly, I mean for reals Im not joking. And every person who was not welcoming and for example also TRIED to be like interested, but obviously not really interested in me, then it always ended not well, it wasn't natural and they became reactive.

I suppose it can be considered a judgment to say they became reactive, but at the same time I know that throughout my interactions with such people, I always continued to be me and expressed me. So it really wasn't just the right fit. You could say that they were always reacting to me since the beginning but they had an ulterior motive, they wanted something so they suppressed their reactions. And its something that I can see clearly if I compare it to people who are welcoming and so are obviously expressive in an genuine natural sense and it is a stark difference.

For me what is odd is that I don't pursue the people who are welcoming. Its almost like I interact with them, but then I don't call them again, I don't pursue it at all, yet I pursue people who aren't welcoming. I know it sounds stupid, and it is. Its a pattern/system, and its one I can change.

So practically for jobs, its best to also apply to the positions/fields that you are welcomed in now. Meaning that they need you, and so they want you. I mean obviously within that you will have an interview and have a sense of what its like. But its one of those things that you will know intuitively. Just like how I am seeing all of this now, I do have that intuition, but I haven't been living it with awareness within my interactions and making my life better.

So I will be calling people who are welcoming and it doesn't feel natural AT ALL. I don't want to do it!!! But its good for me. I mean it sounds stupid but this is my reaction/resistance. I don't know why. But I know relationships with people are tough for me. Though having that interactions with people who are welcoming isn't like anything else, and it makes a big difference. i am not some almighty god who can just endlessly interact with people who are always resisting him and I can stand find within that. I do need the people who are welcoming and so are supportive and attentive to me. That interactions are so fucking good! i mean realy!! I have no idea why I don't go after it! But I should obviously. Let's just chalk this up to my preprogramming. Its a way for the system to control me and prevent me from expanding and growing and being Strong within me.

So this is the word welcoming. And how I am using it to help me divert my time and my choices for career, friendships, for places I live too. I mean its about all of my human relationships you can say. Obviously I may not be ABLE to control every situation and decide in a way that is best. But I mean the issue here isn't that, but that the fact that I am NOT PURSUING the really welcoming relationships when there is NOTHING stopping me or preventing me. I can do it. I can. But I am not. And why is that? Its resistance and its the mind. Its my pattern. So this is what I am faced with, and the point here is to always choose YES what is welcoming, I mean of course! Always choose it where all other things are equal. It is great, it is an important factor. Yes it is!