Saturday, May 11, 2019

Day 722 My Inner Voice


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not knowing what to do and so try to listen to others, and look to others to direct me, instead of listening to myself and who I am, and so living who I am, no matter the situation.

Time to listen to the voice Inside of me. Time to step out of the closet. Time to live Me, Yogan in everything I do, instead of Living someone else or something else.

So no matter the situation, apply the Me, the who I am, the Principles, and what I, Yogan, would do. Ask what would I do?

Standing/Existing as that Inner Voice



So I wrote the above this morning after doing self-forgiveness. I just uploaded a youtube video on this inner voice, and can be seen here:
https://youtu.be/WNEfqQCHH98


My Inner Voice... its funny that I saw Westworld and it came down to the point of the Inner Voice. The Robots in the end, found their inner voice. 

So what I saw this morning was how my being, my inner voice, is here always, except I haven't trusted it, I wasn't sure whether it was me or the mind. And whenever I would express it, and I wasn't sure the mind would have thoughts like: "I don't know what to do" "I can't do this" So literally bombarding me with self-doubt. And thoughts are like voice simulations. They are loud I suppose you could say. And my inner voice is just here, it is not a Thought, it is not really a VOICE at all like how thoughts are a simulation of a voice. My inner voice is just here as me, the truest deepest part of me. Inner voice though is still a cool reference for me, and it is my Being's Voice. It is what I, Yogan would do or say.

So the mind is a part of me, but its simulation is not my inner voice or my being. Just like my being is a part of me, and it is the inner voice of me. Like for example, I can go here and write with my inner voice, and it can SCAN or CHECK which words BEST convey what I am want to say. So this uses the Mind, as I am using LEARNED WORDS and checking to see what is the best word. Usually this flows easily and nicely, but sometimes it doesn't and so its very noticeably me stopping for a moment and finding the right word. 

So this above would be an example of me living with my Mind and Being, and applying both. 

So a moment or example where I am not expressing my inner voice and let my mind run rampant, is moments where I am saying something or about to say something, but then all these thoughts come up and memories come up, about what I am saying or would say. And so I edit/censor my words in the moment. I am UNSURE of what to say. I am UNSURE about what to do. And so I think things like I DON"T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!   

So in those moment it even goes to the extreme of LITERALLY one set of thought about what to say, followed immediately by another set of thoughts. So I already in such moments just gave in to the mind and let it decide what I should say. But even then, even the mind is like sending me multiple different thoughts at the same time! It's like even IT cannot decide, lol. But it looks like in those moments I was having multiple reactions on multiple different dimensions of myself at the same time, so each dimension was having their own say about what I should say.

And the emotional reactions I have been having of late, with the new environment and my future in my hands here, its been intense. Intense sadness, intense suffering, intense memories of my past, intensity all around. And it is noticeably and HERE within me, and I get caught up in it, and I don't know what to do.

Suffice to say, that this morning I did the only thing I know how to do, which is self-forgiveness. I walked it one point as a time. One thought at a time. One emotion at a time. I forgave and went on to the next moment. It is layered like an onion, so I only focused on the one Thought, and one Emotion that is here, that I can see when I check and look inside of me. 

This self-forgiveness did lead me to in essence FINALLY realize and see clearly who I am as my being's voice, which I called my inner voice, and who I am as the mind as the very vocal thoughts that have been accompanying me throughout my entire life. Finally can see the difference, and finally can see it and call it for what it is. Finally not having any doubts. Because I will be honest here, I have been here before. I have been here in the sense that I kind of knew I had an inner voice that was me, and my thoughts were the mind, BUT, I was always like: well is this REALLY the mind? Are thoughts REALLY the mind? Maybe it is Me as me being. Maybe it is me speaking. So never 100% SURE, never 100% willing to step off. So I had to walk a process.

Everything I have done so far has been my process. And this process has led me to this point. And I will be continuing my next process. So I had to walk the process. I had to see for myself and do the self-forgiveness NOW in the most difficult time in my life, with all these intense experiences, and this manifested and culminated as this clear seeing and understanding. That clarity is the gift, that trust is the gift, that history of what I walked is the gift.

And yet I have to walk it in real time. I have to walk the Trust and walk the Gift. It is merely a realization, one that can be lost if not applied. But what I do realize is that my inner voice and being can never be lost. It is always here. No doubt. And I know I can access it and live it whenever as it is right here in my chest. No matter the Noise of the Mind. No matter the Thoughts of the Mind. No matter the commotion or the chaos or the disruption of the Mind, this is Here, I am here, My who I am, my expression, the What I would do, is here.

 WWID: What would I do?

Even just now I had a sad thought/projection and I went into the emotion. So that is going to happen, I know it is, me going into the emotion, but then I immediately remembered and saw that that is not my voice, that is not Me, my being. So what I would EXPRESS and say in such a moment that is sad is NOT the emotion as sadness, but me, as who I am, the principle and ME as what and who I care about, and what I stand as. My Inner voice is always here, I just need to live it, and BE it, no matter the situation. No matter how strong it feels or how tough it feels. 

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