“…simply make things better for someone else, as if I were to be born again, and that someone else, and it doesn't have to be me, but it could be someone like me, that they would have a better life than I had, that everyone was better. There is something seriously wrong with everyone, and that is something I observed when I was very young. We are the problem, and we need to become better, because we are fucking everything up.”
“So this is who I am. There is something seriously wrong with everyone and we need to fix it, if not for us, then for the future generations."
"Everything I have done in this life, and everything I will do, is for this purpose.”

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

BYE! 205

So there was a moment that revealed to me that I am not saying goodbye effectively. For most of my life, whenever I could, I would leave a social situation without saying goodbye. I notice that people notice this and, as in the case of last night, there is a weird or awkward appearance.

So I had a guilty and sad experience within this. In the case of last night, I had left the place, with the decision to leave. I changed my shoes, I got my stuff, and I got up and left. As I was walking out, I had this experience of thinking or awareness, (im not sure which), of other people expecting me say goodbye. This probably is me accessing all of my memories where my parents told me to say goodbye to their friends. So last night I just walked out. But when I got to the car, I forgot my jacket, so I went back. I felt nervous and embarrassed because now I will face people again, when I hadn't said goodbye to any of them. So I decided to just go in, get my jacket and go. So I felt nervous, as I went in and picked up my jacket. I saw one of the dance instructors and I told him that maybe I would see him at the next dance. I notice my voice was a bit low, and sounded confident. In his eyes, he seemed maybe hurt or insulted, I wasn't sure. So I just left, still thinking and perceiving I was rude, or I should have said goodbye.

So I have many questions. The first I ask is, well why do I prefer to not say goodbye? So I felt nervous and weird telling someone goodbye. So by not saying goodbye I avoid that experience. Partly, I feel guilty in leaving, and I secretly assess how much the person likes me or values me based on how they say goodbye to me. I also think to myself that its better to not say goodbye, like that would be a perfect world.

So I have had moments where I assessed myself as low value because of the way someone said goodbye to me. So I avoided saying goodbye to avoid that possibility. I also remind myself of how much better it is to not say goodbye, as a criticism of people's expectations and how they feel, so as to cover up this possibility of feeling inferior through my interpretations of someone's goodbye..  I also dominantly feel guilty because of experiences with my parents scolding me for not saying goodbye, and also how I imagine and believe that other people will feel emotionally hurt, as if I hurt them for not saying goodbye to them. I see that my projection of what others must feel if I don't say goodbye to them, is the same as what I feel as inferior if I receive a poor goodbye, because they both are about what I believe someone believes about me. So its finding value in what someone else says about you.

So from these realizations I see that the future potential creation is to say goodbye as an expression of simply saying goodbye to another person as you two part ways, or leave the immediate environment from one another, instead it being a statement of what value one person has or the other.

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