“…simply make things better for someone else, as if I were to be born again, and that someone else, and it doesn't have to be me, but it could be someone like me, that they would have a better life than I had, that everyone was better. There is something seriously wrong with everyone, and that is something I observed when I was very young. We are the problem, and we need to become better, because we are fucking everything up.”
“So this is who I am. There is something seriously wrong with everyone and we need to fix it, if not for us, then for the future generations."
"Everything I have done in this life, and everything I will do, is for this purpose.”

Friday, December 19, 2014

A painful motivation (reminder) 210

So tonight I am writing, which is the end of the day. Early today, in the morning, I made a commitment to try out something painful, as a reminder. So I am assessing right now what I have found. However, because I am writing a public blog, I should explain what I mean.

So this morning, I was looking at something within me. I was firstly looking at how effective I have been in following my schedule. There was much improvement that can be done. I am also on the start making and executing a long plan, and in order for my plan to be effective I need to be consistent everyday. So I was looking into my past and seeing when I had been effective in living out a plan, or living consistently everyday. So I notice already in that moment as I looked back, that pain was something that motivated me. It was the pain of being where I was, that motivated me to seek out a better place to go, which was my college. I had to do much effort to make that happen, involving getting straight A's in high school. So the question is if this is an effective method, and are there any side effects.

To be honest with the reader, I have looked at this before, like years ago. Initially this was part of who I am, but it was painful, so I assumed it must be something harmful. Now I am reconsidering this point, because my first investigation was not very thorough. Now I will be thorough and really see and understand what is going on.

So currently, this motivation of pain I access, is accessed and reminding myself about the people, plants, and animals, and the earth as a whole, is in a point of suffering or pain. That gives me motivation. In the earlier parts of my life, I had motivation from my own pain, and that led to a empathy for other people's pain, where I would feel about the same way regarding another's persons pain, as if it were my own. What is interesting is that I am very specific in regards to this. So a person's ego, wouldn't count as a pain, but physical pain, would count.

So one question is whether this pain is energetic or emotional. From what I can tell, right now, no its not. But it could be. What I can say for sure is this. It is present as long as I am aware of it, and it is centered around my stomach. It is different from what I was describing in my recent blogs about the contraction of my solar plexus muscles. It is more like a general presence, and in a way physical. It is like a physical pain. It is not enjoyable. It is not distracting. It actually focuses my attention, and I feel stronger, more present and here, like I am ready to act, to end the real pain that is happening in the world, no matter how long or what it will take.

Right now, I don't have any expectations. Maybe for the moment it helps me be effective. Maybe later on it will be a limitation, or there will be a better way to do things. I can't say what the future will bring. But right now it works well, so my investigation will continue, and I will see how far I can push this and push myself with this.

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