“…simply make things better for someone else, as if I were to be born again, and that someone else, and it doesn't have to be me, but it could be someone like me, that they would have a better life than I had, that everyone was better. There is something seriously wrong with everyone, and that is something I observed when I was very young. We are the problem, and we need to become better, because we are fucking everything up.”
“So this is who I am. There is something seriously wrong with everyone and we need to fix it, if not for us, then for the future generations."
"Everything I have done in this life, and everything I will do, is for this purpose.”

Thursday, March 21, 2013

day60- Stop- and Change- (possible song title??)

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So I made a mistake in not standing as what I trusted, as good. I immediately went into a fear of not being good, when I received feedback that I was not good. I went into the mind instead of standing up for myself. I fear knowledge, and I granted knowledge equal value to reality. But knowledge can be false- while reality is real/here. Knowledge can reflect reality, however it can also not. So this proves knowledge itself cannot distinguish reality from false lies (misinformation, disinformation). WE, need to see for ourselves directly reality by being here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see the mind as separate from me and that I was not responsible for what happens in my mind.
When and as I see the mind as separate from me, I stop and breathe, I bring myself back here, I stop the separation, and I stop the mind either immediately by saying "stop" or by applying self-forgiveness.

I imagined telling this specific girl the following: “I want to marry you, I want to have kids with you, and I want to have sex with you”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine telling this girl “I want to marry you, I want to have kids with you, and I want to have sex with you”
             I don't know this girl very well. Her eyes are bug-eyes. I like her eyes alot, and her smile. It is attractive for me. I can imagine dating her. She seems desperate for a relationship.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to find desperateness attractive/ a turn on.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge energy in my solar plexus when I see a girl that i have judged as desperately needing/wanting a relationship/sex. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge energy within my solar plexus when I imagine having sex with her and placing my semen inside her.
When and as I see myself feeling turned on by the sight of a girl or that I have to look at a specific girl, I stop and I breathe, I treat the girls equally, and I continue about my day.
I commit myself to treat girls as equals.
I commit myself to stop fantasizing about girls. 

I imagined posting this online, I imagined my mom warning me about posting online, that it could hurt my chances of getting a job. I then went into a reaction and started thinking about companies/work places googling my name- and how I could perhaps disguise my name from my blog. Also that companies may check my facebook- and how I could disguise my facebook to prevent companies from finding me. I then considered that they could use super high technology to track my information regardless of my privacy settings and maybe keep track of even my old names. So I then considered shutting down my facebook for the time when I apply for a job- and I simply say that I do not participate in facebook- which seemed reasonable. I also thought that because I would be applying for small psychology labs- they may not check my online information. 

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