Reviewing Over My History with My Mom- "Learn for yourself" Day94
One of the hard things for me to
admit is that I am a product of my parents, both environmental factors and
biological factors such as genetics. My mom told me a story that I was an old
soul, so I would like to believe I am who I am because of being an old soul.
But I know that's not the case because everything that I learned or accepted
who I am to be was based on the choices that my parents or teachers gave me.
For example, my mom never paid me money to get straight A's. She instead told
me to learn for myself, or get good grades for myself. So I followed this
program, I listened to my mother. I never considered learning as a way to support
myself practically in this world or learning as a way to support others
practically in this world. It was something I did for me, to define me, that I
am someone who learns in the classroom and in the tests. I just did it, lol,
strange, huh? If I didn't do it, then I wouldn't have been me, which would have lead to a depression. I also forgot to mention
that I felt happy being me, which is a separate program that interacted with
the one we are talking about. So when I was doing the learning program, I was
also fulfilling the being me program.
My mom once told me to just be myself, be natural. I also observed my mom and
she appeared being happy, based on her facial expressions, and the sound of her
voice. So being yourself is supposed to be something happy, and it is natural
and if your not happy then you are not yourself and you are not natural, and
you start to feel depressed. I remember feeling sad for most of my life. And I
can see that it was because I was not fulfilling certain programs. So there is
something about not fulfilling a program that the mind says hey!!! Feel SAD. I wish it were that
simple. It may be. I would notice how the energy would shift from feeling sad
and go into happy. So some of the happiest people can become very sad, it only
takes a change in the situation.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to not realize that I am a product of my parents, in terms of
the environment and biology.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to beLIEve that I am who I am because I am an old soul, and so
believe that I am an old soul.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to not see, realize and understand that everything that I am is
influenced and determined by what my parents and teachers told me, and showed
me.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to accept the words that my mother spoke as myself "that
it is better to learn for yourself than for money or rewards", thinking
and believing that these two were the only choices that humans had, to learn
for money or rewards, or to learn for yourself, where one became the positive
and the other the negative, so in my mind there was only one right choice,
which was the good choice to "learn for yourself/myself."
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to immediately judge others as bad for picking the worse choice, when I
learned that they did not learn for themselves, but for money and rewards.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to not see, realize and understand, how by following this
program of learning for myself, I was limiting me to not consider the
possibility that there was a different choice that would have a more effective
outcome for living practically in this world.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to become distracted by the energy within me to not see,
realize and understand that by following the program of learning for myself, I
limited myself to the extent that energy existed within me, such that if I did
not receive the positive energy for learning or if I did not received the
negative energy for avoiding learning, I would completely change.
When and as I see myself experiencing a happiness for learning for myself- I stop and breathe- I realize that is it better to assist and support me to live practically and effectively in this existence through learning, than to support feeling good from having been successful at learning based on the standards that society has set forth.
I commit myself to learn as a tool that assist me to exist here effectively, and so support others as well.
When and as I see myself feeling sad for not having learned for myself - I stop and I breathe- I realize that learning is a tool I must apply to assist and support me to exist here effectively in this existence.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to enslave who I am, my expression and ability, and movement to
the presence or absence of energy that is generated when I learn or avoid
learning.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to allow myself to accept "learning for myself" as
myself and so become a slave to always learning for myself, also a slave to
energy for needing to learn for myself otherwise I would not receive a great
big prize as positive energy for having fulfilled the being myself program.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to separate myself from others by accepting and allowing the
"learning for myself" program as myself, because I alienate me from
being able to understand and accept other reasons for learning as equally
valid, and simply judge any other reason for learning as less than mine.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to alienate myself from the possibility of learning to
practically assist and support myself in this world, and so by assisting me, I
am better prepared to assist and support others.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to allow myself to define me according to whether I was
"being me" and so I would feel happy if I was fulfilling programs
that defined who I was, and I would feel sad if I was not fulfilling these
programs of who I am.
I am not happiness, and I am not sadness.
These are parts of me, but the parts do not define the whole. This is the lie I
have been living that the parts define the whole, when really they are only
parts, the parts are not the whole. The Parts altogether, as Equals and as One,
make up the Whole and so define the whole.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to live the words my mother spoke: "just be yourself, be
natural." and to observe my mother's behavior and judge/associate being
yourself and being natural as meaning to be happy and loud, and speaking in a
high voice, and smiling or whooping.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to define happiness as being loud, speaking in a high voice,
smiling and making whooping sounds.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to judge that being happy is natural and that you are supposed
to be happy.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to judge that naturally people are happy, and being unhappy is
unnatural
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to think that there is something wrong with me if I do not feel
happy.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to think I must feel happy.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to think that my mother had all the truth, that everything she
said is right, that I need to listen to my mother, that my mother was the ideal
person and that I should aspire to be like my mother, or find a partner
or friends like my mother, and that I was lucky or blessed to have her as a
mother, so that I would more easily accept what I was doing that is constantly
generating energy.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to feel depressed when I was quiet, shy, reserved around people
that I could talk to.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to think I have to talk to people, as a way to try and
brainwash me to go after the positive energy that would be made from being
happy like my mother.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to think I have to be happy like my mother that it is my purpose, to
feel happy, be happy, because who I really am is happy, but I am not happy so I
am not myself and so I need to fix me by meditating and becoming fearless or by
finding people with whom I can be happy with.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in sadness whenever I saw I am not fulfilling a certain mind program's desire for something to exist here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire absolute control of everything here, and that if I could not get this desire fulfilled I would be willing to destroy all life, out of spitefulness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the mind as myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear taking responsibility of the mind as myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear taking responsibility for fear.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to anything separate from myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire happiness above what is best for all.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to not see, realize, and understand that if I keep
participating in the mind that I will cause my own death, and become nothing
but a shadow.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to let the words of others define me.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to define myself according to what I believe others must be
thinking.
I forgive myself for not accepting and
allowing myself to take the perspective of others freely, as it supports me in
whatever endeavor.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to limit myself, who I am, and what I am capable of, because I
assumed that certain abilities that I had were wrong, when really the point of
process is who you are not what you do, and that what you do will change
according to who you are.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to judge another.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to judge myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to charge guilt with positive energy.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing imagination to move automatically, where all my attention goes into
the imagination, and I forget what I was doing.
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