So a lot has been happening the last few days in terms of myself and my process. I would like to talk about each point, which will serve as a recap for me. So I wanted to write about conditioning, because for me its about that raw point of how we associate our emotions basically to things that are of course not emotional in nature. And so after looking at this, I also was pushing within myself to stop participating in any punishment and reward inside myself, which would mean that I would be sort of rewarding myself or punishing myself with a thought followed with an experience. That became all of my focus, but for some reason that was not working very well. Eventually I came to the point where I just dropped that and I went to the basics of self-forgiveness, self-trust, self-honesty, and self-responsibility. With that I could properly navigate what was going on within me. Something interesting happened today, where I was helping my aunt and grandma by painting one of their rooms, and I saw this more as a point of volunteer service, in the sense I am not doing this for the money, but just to help them. While I was painting, I was looking at this point of how when I did something for money how i felt this sort of resistance come up within me, and how when I did something like a volunteer to help others, I felt fine and there was no resistance. I also notice I was more productive, I had better ideas, and I was more relaxed when I was this way, both in my past memories and in that moment. I also saw that I could work quickly but that I would have a higher chance of making a mistake, but also that if I take things slow and then speed up as I felt more comfortable I was sort of learning how I can have the same good results but work faster, which I verified with many memories that were like that. I also saw how this way of being was similar to some memories I have in school where I would say I like to learn, and how I was enjoying myself in class and in learning thing. Within my memories, I had made I statement that I will enjoy learning, and so I did. I notice that I was much more calmer in those memories and I would sometimes sit in silence to see what my next move is. So I would want to be this way always in whatever I do, and I just have to make the decision to be this way in all that I do. I realize its not that simple because there are some areas in my life, you could say, that I have made forbidden, or in other words, really hard to overcome and to stand as who I say I am or who I commit myself to be, or who I choose to be. One such area is the social area or in communication with other people. I have been pushing myself to not let the resistance determine what I say, recently. And it requires a definite pushing. One cool thing that I would like to share from tonight was how I have been saying in a very adament voice, (warning this may be funny) that Get the F&*% out, to some particular thoughts in my mind that are just so blanantly unacceptable. To translate what I am saying, I am saying that I really won't accept and allow this thought anymore, and Im just stating that but just really strong. I also when saying this looked at the door, so I had the image of actually leaving as in "get out". So yeah, hope that makes sense, if not message me and I can explain that differently.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept and allow the mind to interefere in my speech and communication with other beings and with myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow distracting and inconsequential thoughts about meaning, when especially I am simply talking to myself, and I know what I mean, because I am the one speaking.
I forgive myself for accepting and allow self-sabotage thoughts that simply distract and interrupt my presence here, standing by what i have said.
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